from revolutions to resolutions

i've never been one to participate in the act of making new years resolutions. never felt the need to change my life so intensely that i needed to document it any fashion or have a specific "starting point" for my endeavors. i guess, without really acknowledging that i had an opinion about resolutions, i had a strong opinion. i was anti-resolution. i found it arbitrary and never understood why so many people SUDDENLY had multiple things that they wanted to change about their lives every year around the 31st of December. i felt that people were forcing themselves into a ritual and i felt that to be...well, stupid.

this year i finally got it. i still don't understand how some people honestly have new years resolutions every year and i STILL believe that some people do force themselves into the ritual because they think it is what they are supposed to do. BUT, i also finally see the point. it's no longer arbitrary to me. at least, not this year.

2013 was a very difficult and wonderful year. i've talked about a great deal of my hardships and triumphs when it comes to my own personal growth over this year and i'm happy to say that i feel like i've accomplished a lot. it has gotten me to a point in life where bigger and better changes must be considered.
for example: i have an amazing boyfriend that i can't help but gush about.

 this, of course, develops thoughts of the future. im considering my monetary standing, my artistic career, my health and anything else that would be important to me anyone else in my life from here on out.

it is no longer arbitrary. i am at a point in my life where i need to start reevaluating and reworking a lot. i like the idea of picking the start to the new year to begin the changes. i understand why when January comes around, so do many new plans, hopes, and dreams for many people.

so...here it is.
my list of new years resolutions.
read, set, go...(also, it's in categories)
1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.
2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.
3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.
4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.
5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

so there's that.
now #5 is more of a personal challenge for me. it's addressing the fact that i have way more than i need. so many people have so little in this world and yet i have so much that don't even wear or use. this challenge will force me to actually wear what i seem to love too much to let go, but also show me what i can remove from my wardrobe and hopefully give away or sell.
 i don't want to go too much into that right now as that will officially begin on the first and there will be photo documentation to show my progress :) im excited for this challenge and my others as well.

happy new year and god bless.
-kr

punching bags, ice cream, and all the likes.

disclaimer: this may be a bit scatterbrained(or maybe kind of word-vomit-ty) and not really so "informative" but more of a diary of my happy thoughts. therefore, you will either read this and get nothing out of it but just a little bit of my brain and my heart, or there's some hidden little bit of guidance. i guess that's for you to decide, so this disclaimer may be unnecessary.

Google definition of anger:

an·ger

ˈaNGgər/

noun

noun: anger; plural noun: angers

1.

a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"

synonyms:

rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique

I felt this... all of this.

Today i felt the most intense anger i have felt in a long time. it did not last long and i didn't react as violently as i have in the past. afterwards, i didn't know what to feel. i didn't know what to do except talk and get slightly teary. today i felt unloved and disregarded and even abandoned. there's no detail to this story that is necessary. all that is required is that you that only about an hour ago, maybe less, i was LIVID. 

i was told to pray.

my boyfriend told me to pray.

***

prayer

-i'd put up the definition i found on google, but i found it ill-equipped

...i haven't prayed as much as i used in the last year. it's been rather sporadic and seemed to be only when i felt so at a lost that "oh i guess i will have to turn to God". i used to pray even in joy, but for a while, God angered me. praying just seemed pointless for a while. off and on for the last few months i've been falling in love with my faith again. it's been a slow and somewhat rocky fall, but only in the last month or so has it been less rocky and more smooth and even comforting. to actually take comfort in the lord, it's so choice. :) 

i prayed a bit before i wanted to type, but there will be more for me after. just being able to sit and think and talk and pray to God. being thankful for the greatness of life, asking for peace and understanding to come over, and talking about anything and everything. some my find that idea crazy, but as many have said, we are all snowflakes. i believe what i believe, and you believe what you believe, and if we happen to believe similar things, it seems we may have a bit more in common.

so i was told to pray, and what happened? i felt a sigh of relief. i felt calm, at least in comparison to the urge t throw things that i had only seconds before. so much peace. he said "pray" and it's like a lightbulb went off. lol i felt like a dope. a happy dope, at least. i didn't even think to pray at first, because i was so angry. the fact that all i needed was for someone so wonderful and caring to say "just pray" made things so much better. things arent perfect and i do intend to pray much more throughout the evening, but dang...

***

that wonderful man that told me to pray...he's pretty great. i went from being enraged and wanting to punch things and cry, to feeling at least 80% better JUST because of his comfort. it seems i am more and more thankful and excited each day for his existence in my life. it's kinda scary, but i like it. like like like like...yep. all the likes.

it seems i have notes about the awesomeness of relationships....who knew?

-never stop looking for something/someone that will make your life better.

-if he/she makes you smile when you should be crying...he/she just may be a keeper.

-if he/she helps you learn, helps you focus, and helps you grow, he/she is part magic.

-if he/she screeches like a velociraptor, he may just be part velociraptor.

-always feel loved. if you don't, there's a problem.

-hugs, even virtually, and kind of wonderful.

i'm not saying that i wouldn't pray if he wasn't around, i'm just saying, he helped.

find someone that helped. it's nice :)

-k/r

i don't do what i do for a reason.

i don't care.
not as i used to.
it was like breathing.

now it's just like jewelry.
just an accessory to my life.
i do love it.
it adds something to my everyday, but it's not something i yearn for.
                                                                   not something i can't live without.

sometimes i think i'm lucky.
sometimes i think i'm cursed.
to have little feeling towards this gift.
                                 towards something i once loved.
                                               something i once put all my heart and all my hours into.

now i sleep.
now i eat.
now i interact on a deeper level with people i find most dear.
now, life doesn't revolve around something that has the potential me nowhere.
now i'm growing more happy with that.
now, it feels right.

the idea of the curse is slowly passing.
the feeling of bliss is coming over me.
it's becoming another thing i am thankful to have a knack for.
                      a nice little talent i can pull out of the attic whenever it feels like the right time.
it's becoming that priceless heirloom that you only bring out to show people on special occasion.
                      an antiquity, almost.
                      such a delicate and beautiful part of my life that can only be out in the open for a small amount of time or it won't age well. it could rust or break. it will get very old very fast and instead of being something so magnificent, it will be that shotty old toy of your great great grandfather's that has little to no value now. it will be worthless to me.

some things age well and have a value that only grows.
this is not one of those things.
i keep it boxed up.
i keep it protected.
i keep it for the special occasions in life.

never- the things i want to tell you, but i'm not even good at telling myself.

haven't written in a while but i have a lot of thoughts and plans that i am so excited to write about. figured it start off with some fun thoughts.

ready, set, go.

i have some opinions, views, ideals. whatever you'd like to call them. they're a bunch of nevers. a bunch of random things i don't think should be done. they're silly. nothing too serious. it seemed like a good choice for my first blog since my emotional distress over the last year. once we feel any bit of "recovery" or some sort of closure, it only seems right to talk of something more surfacey. more fun.

i guess its like this:
you feel like you were in deep waters for a very long time(the time is circumstantial and based on your own personal view of hardship, of course). you finally pull yourself out or get pulled out. you've been saved or were actually able to save yourself or a mixture of the two. now, you're back on the shore. completely safe but only because you're not attempting to get back in the water, even the most shallow. eventually, when you're feeling prepared or comfortable, you put a toe in. this is my "toe in"

the silly, arbitrary acts and thoughts and well, nothing of depth or great importance. it could be important and meaningful, but not right now. right now it's just thought. soon there will be importance. soon there will be deeper thoughts and cares and beliefs. til then, here's some nevers...

-never apologize for being yourself unless yourself is an asshole.
-never be confused by your own fashion choices. if you like it, wear it (but stay classy).
-never feel uncomfortable around your closest friends. you should be able to dance naked holding a chicken and they should at least laugh. if they get you enough, they'll start dancing too.
-never overindulge. i may be wrong, but every time i have, in anything, it's gone poorly.
-never underestimate yourself. if you do, so will the world.
-never lesten to your heart and never listen to your head, but always listen to both.
-never think you're entitled to anything.
-never don't wear heels. i know that's a double negative, my apologies. but wear heels sometimes. i'm bad at it too but it just feels good. i personally feel more poised and put together and classy(depending on the heel) and come on, your ass looks great. unless you legit can't do it.
-never intensely follow fashion magazines when it says "looks to lose". if you follow shit like that so strongly, you have no style for yourself. but again, keep it classy.

that's all i got. there will be more tho. i know i will always have opinions.
-k

so much good!

About a year ago today i began to really feel lost. That quarter-life crisis had begun and there was so much more crisis-ing to come that i couldn't have been less prepared for. At this point, it had only been a summer since graduating from college and the plan i had since age 9 had ended. I crossed the finish line. All i knew that i wanted in life was to go to bg for art. Thats about as far as my life planning got other than marriage and babies. I never cared about a career. I never wanted to travel the world. I didnt really want to do anything. I wasnt even that rebellious until like 2 years ago and if there are levels for rebellion im like a trainee, and totally cool with it. really. I was living on my simple little cloud until it just disappeared when i was handed my empty diploma folder and told to smile for the camera. From that point, my plan was to look for a job and live with my friends. Check. Mini mission accomplished. And then i really realized how dreary and boring my world was and how scared i was to really embrace the bigger world. AND THEN i also realized i didnt give a shit. There was nothing that i wanted to do. I didnt really care about making a difference, being an artist, or pursuing anything. Didnt even want to help and love people as i always used to. I was sucked dry of my love for others and myself. Sounds rather emotional, and damn is that accurate. To add to the emotional distress over my fears and uncertainties, the only thing that i new i wanted for my life was something that i could not do alone. I wanted a legitimate healthy relationship that leads to marriage and children. Thats definitely still something i have on my "hope agenda" but thats another rant, entirely.
Anyhoo, instead i had a few minor romantic moments but nothing right. whether it was them, or me, or both, no dice. So i did what every lost single white female college graduate with an ART degree would do. I kinda just tried to ignore my sorrows and carry on with life until i finally had a meltdown or two. Kept doin what i was doin. Or "kept on truckin" as the young folks say. That didn't last long. instead, it formed a roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I was happy and blissfully blind to what was wrong and then id be a depressed about how lost i felt and then again and again and so on, and you trackin with me family?
So there you have it. the obligatory katie disclaimer. I know I've written about it before and i know I've probably said the same thing in every different way possible since i decided to give a shit about my struggles and try to do something BUT heres something new: i actually think there's change. Things are happening. I can feel it. I don't have any major life goal other than the same old hope as usual, but i feel purpose again. I feel more like myself. AND i feel like this is only the beginning. It feels so good. Yes, there will be some momentary setbacks, but that's to be expected.
God it's so nice.
So, want to hear my life possibilities and small goals that you're going to hear/ read whether you'd like to or not, considering you're reading this? K cool.
So...
-go to disney world with my friends possibly within the next year
-save up for a computer and a scanner
-learn more about photoshop and other editing tools. Figured i should probably finally get with the times especially since i may want to work with illustrating and graphics.
-look into illustration opportunities
-once i get a newer body of work put together, look for shows. Thats not really anything new but i know that i need to care about my work instead of just letting it chill in my closet and letting the ideas chill in my brain.
-possibly go to hair school (I'm still uncertain, but we shall just see).
-travel somewhere for the freedom and new experiences because i know i need to branch out! Ive never had the urge to travel, and yet all the wonderful movies about finding yourself and growing and getting through pain have to do with traveling so i'm thinking they may be on to something.
-feel even more like myself and be better than the katie i was yesterday. i know i don't need to change Anything about myself EXCEPT for finding comfort. I need to grow more confident with who i am and find strength. I want it, so i will make it happen and it'll be beautiful. I will feel beautiful.
And yeah, there are totally more but its 4 am so i can't think as well as i'd like.
So. There you have it. I feel like i have goals to reach and it feels good. I feel good. Things are good. Im a legally driving adult with a job and goals. Ive been a whirlwind of emotion for the last year and considering i've been a pretty balanced and level headed girl all of my life, it was do much tougher than it should have been.
There are a select group of people that i couldn't be more thankful for having in my life to go through this journey with. I Love them so much. They've dealt with shit and put me through shit and they've helped me to really see who is important and what's so important about me. Their existence in y life just adds to the joy!
Here's one more goal...
become emma stone. I know i am me and my own person and i shouldn't wish to be someone else, but i am pretty sure if you mix emma stone and every character she has played and sprinkle a little bit of juno mcguff on top, you have my spirit animal. They say and do what i wish i was ballsy and witty enough to say and do. Emma stone's confidence and balance of funny and beautiful is the most admirable thing and really, to be monumentally cheesy, she is what i feel like on the inside. Lol so there is that.

i usually add an image of some kind. i didn't last time i wrote. it felt weird. so here's a koala :)

hopefully soon

for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

***

i've felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy. that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy. usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.

***
A leads to B

A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.

the cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.

the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...

...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.

do i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.

do i allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine. that wall is difficult to break.

B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.

the cause: see A

the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"

i believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.

***

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
                                              by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"

this song sparked an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not by now, what good is this rant to you, really.

***

it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.

Reflex

i wrote this at work. not revised in any way, but i figured, why not. sok tho...i'm over it.


 Reflex:

it's just a cycle. it's what i'm used to. an automatic reflex.
it feels robotic. i didn't even realize that the path that i've taken is the path i've ALWAYS taken.
the familiarity. it doesn't even register until it's too late and i'm stuck in my pattern.
my reflexive state.
my cycle of "comfort."

finding comfort in what we know but not what is good.
it's a terrible addiction so many have.
turning towards the familiar darkness instead of embracing the light.
the new uncertain light.

it's just a reflex.

-k

FATES

What's to be shall be.
they know.
came and gone.
Come and go.
they know the secrets.
It must occur.
its meant to be.
Its fate.
They know.
he knows.
what's to be shall be.

 i haven't added anything in a while. been really preoccupied with my gorgeous house and some new experiences. happy to be to busy with life to sit down and write down my thoughts, but bummed i also don't feel the need. instead of spilling my guts out, as of late i've just wanted to write in cryptic metaphors of what i hope is considered beauty. so i guess that's what i'll keep doing until i really need to let it out.

-k

movin on up!

moved across town! it feels great! it's new and calm and it feels mature and just....right. you know?! it feels right! i'm hoping that it will bring me some motivation and keep me excited for new things. new beginnings. new life. i feel rejuvenated. 

there's nothing else i really feel like talking about. life feels good right now and i'm hoping things can only get better from here.

here's some joy :)

-k

time may change me but i can't trace time...

what's to come:
-one of my best friends, former roommate, girl who's been through so much with and without me is finally GETTING MARRIED to the man of her dreams. she's finally ready and it's finally time.
-i'm moving from my apartment to a house and don't have any intention of moving til i am asked to marry someone as well(if it could work out like that).
-i'm getting another tattoo reflecting my growth and intense changes i've been making. realizing my personality overhaul is a terrifying and crazy and beautiful thing. need to express the joy through ink/art.
-the minute i get the time and the money, i'm taking my driving test and getting my fucking license. it's been too long and i'm finally willing.
-i plan to get a new phone once i can afford that as well.
-my hair needs a change again.

with all the new crazy changes happening, im feeling happily influenced to pursue finally making an art page on facebook and an etsy account. it's going to be great!i'm going to use my new surroundings and what will feel almost like a new life to let everything else bloom from it.

i'm going to be even more consistent with this damn thing.

tangent:
a friend from church is also getting married this weekend. she talked of her journal to her future husband that she had been writing for a while now(even before she met her fiance). her fiance read it and the experience sounded beautiful. to be able to show that man  what your past and future hopes and dreams are and to let that man know that he is fulfilling all of these written dreams by just being himself. imagine how amazing he must feel and how nervous. hopefully it's the good kinda nervous that makes you always on your toes but ready to be amazing daily. i feel like it'd be the type of nervous the president feels every morning. so much responsibility and so much strength/power. it'll scare ya shitless but you'll feel like you're walking on air. i hope my future husband feels like that when he hears and sees my "journal". my friend made me want to start my own version. it sounds rejuvenating. i'm DOIN IT!

im hopeful for what's next. scared, but hopeful!

i've lost people and i've gained people in my life. it'd be great if we could only gain, but for some unexplained reason, balance is important. thankfully, the people i have gained are helping to make all of these wonderfully big-feeling changes happen. thanks to them, i am growing into more of me.
-k

xray.

it just feels right to post this :)


Look inside. 
Pass the layers of skin.
Pass the bones.
pass the veins.
Pass the muscle, the tissue, and then
view my heart.

Know that heart.
Every crack, every bruise, every rupture
And every stitch.
Every part that's been beaten and torn.
Every damaged artery.
Every mended and patched piece.
Study.
learn.
Know.

Peer inside.

know the reason for its pulsing beat.
the reason warm blood flows.
Find my soul.

thrive amongst a hive

hive:
    -a place swarming with activity.
    -a teeming crowd. a multitude.

i found a new tranquility. a new joy.
i realized i need to keep moving and keep being involved in the world to not only be happy, but also, so live. to have energy. to move. the more activity i am a part of, the more active and happy i feel.
alone time is good and all, but its not as good as the awesome energy of togetherness and activity.
in that energy. in that hive, i am calm. i am content. i am not anxious or fearful. i am happy.

i haven't been happy for a while. first i was slowly getting lower and lower and lower. then i hit what felt like the bottom. since that floor-hitting moment, i've been getting higher and higher again. high on life and happy again. regaining logic, perspective and optimism. feeling like someone that deserves love and that CAN love well. it feels great. i have a renewed hope. and it's all thanks to God, life and the "hive."

the hive. the energetic world of amazing people that i was once a part of, but was distant from for a while. that beautiful lively world. old friends and new friends. get-togethers. hookah. weddings. movie nights. dancing. parties. concerts. art shows. shopping. it's life. its great and it is what i need to focus on. the energy.

some of my favorite guys help me with the joy sometimes :)
https://www.facebook.com/EarthVersusTheHive?fref=ts

check'm out.

-k

norma jean

many women have admired marilyn. she's become an idol for her beauty and her shape and her style and her everything. she's beautiful and loved. hollywood has spilled as much of her story that they knew. they displayed her as raw as they could. she's so flawed and yet shes still so idolized. it took me a while to really see why. finally, about a year ago, i fell in love. i love with the idea of marilyn monroe.

i adore her! i want to be like her....sort of.
i don't love her for acting ability or her singing ability, or her smart choices, though i do love a few movies, especially The Misfits. i admire her for her vulnerability. she was a perfectly imperfect mess and she didnt care. i wish she was smarter. i wish she was treated better. i wish she loved herself and was more loved. but no matter what, she was always vulnerable. she bared all. the world knew her secrets, her real hair color, and every scar, dimple or freckle. she didnt give a shit about feminism or anti-feminism. she just didnt give a shit. and i dont think it was in a lazy way, though it may have been scared. i think it was because she was smarter than the world thought. she was smarter. you can be as smart as einstein and still be a moron at times. she has had her share of moronic moments, but i still think she was a genius.
playing an idiot, whether or not she was really playing at all.
living life and loving it as best as she could, despite her own demons.
knowing she is beautiful in her shape and being willing to strip down to the buck and not give a shit.
being who she wanted to be.
hell, even for using her look to her advantage. i do admire that, at least a bit. im for feminism but im also willing to notice that feminine whiles are a gift from God that we MUST use right. whether or not she always used it right, i plead the fifth.

either way, i know her beauty is something to be admired. yes, so many have done it already. now it's my turn.

i have som much that i want to paint about and draw about. why not focus on being me and woman and my admiration for someone who focused on the same thing. here we go.
-k

toxicity

TOXICITY 1
it drained.
it poisoned.
it destroyed.

such little time with so much weight.
a quarter-year deja vu
reminded of the past,
realizing that the pain can be regained.
it can resurface, but at light-speed.
four years of cyclical strife.
manipulation.
heart-ache.
brokenness.
all in one instant.
it seemed like a blink.
a piercing blink.

the deja vu in you.

that life was toxic,
and so was ours.

a drug.
addicting and destructive.
giving an intense high.
building you up and up and up;
tearing you down.

time to detox.

let go of the poison.

TOXICITY 2
leaving one damaged.
a substance that can either affect an entire organism or just a portion.
effects are dose-dependent.
the more one encounters the substance, the more one is hurt by it.
it is species-specific.

isn't that just so damn interesting....
-k

english breakfast tea

it's 8:30 am.
i am awake by choice.
this is FANTASTIC!

tomorrow i hope to do the same and wake up and even go running. it'd be so nice to feel like a real person and use the mornings wisely instead of sleeping through them like a dope. but here's what's up: sadly, i feel like shit. i feel bloated and achey. i believe it's because i started taking all of my vitamins again and i'm trying to get healthy. lol my body needs time to adjust.

here are my plans: when i'm finally adjusted to mornings and full days and vitamins and food i want to use mornings to run, read, connect with friends, paint, do laundry, sew, etc..
i need to be productive and balance my time. this is a BIG DEAL right now. i need to reconnect with people without losing myself. balance is key. before, i'd focus on learning who i was and think about my personal growth OR i focused on my friendships and focus on other people's growth. i realized not too long ago that there is just not enough time in the day for me to care like i should. but then i realized something else, there's probably enough time but i haven't actually used all of my time correctly. that may sound silly, but it's terribly important to me.

mornings are not for sleeping. they are accomplishment and growth and renewing one's self.

 

also...

wonderful thought: my roommates and i move into our new house in a bit more than a month. this new change will be so well needed. we will all have this feeling of being renewed and life will be awesome. :)

-k

 

adapting moths

ADAPTABLE

it's clear.
the unclear.
the new.
the world.
ever-uncertain and yet we must live it ever day.
day by day and note by note.
no clarity. no certainty.
just change.
the change.
accept the change.
accept the consequences.
accept the reality.
it is clear that nothing is clear.
nothing is certain.
nothing stays.

change.
we change.
we blend.
we learn.
we move.
we move on.
we grow.

THAT is clear.

that we must.
all of it.
change. blend. learn. move. grow.
fight.
fight the change.
only fight it with logic and heart.
think and consider.
use the change to your advantage.
make it yours.
accept it and approach it strong.
hard and fast.
tough and delicate.
kind and smart.
approach it.
accept it.
and adapt.

make life right.
use what's there.
embrace the change and grow.
grow with it til the days are done.
til there is silence.

so i keep looking into moths. not sure why. i feel a weird connection, but nothing easily explained. i used to hate moths. i found them creepy and little nerve-racking to find flitting around in my home. i think that changed when i was walking with a friend one night. i don't even remember what friend but i know it was a male and it was by rallys. doesn't matter. anyway, there was a moth. a HUGE light yellowing moth. it was following me. no joke. it'd flutter its almost too heavy to lift wings a bit, plop down right behind me or next to me and then if i moved forward it continued on the same path. this happened for only a bit as it liked being close to the street lights instead of my dark alley towards home. but it was weird. something in me changed that night. i felt at ease. at peace and lacking fear. i didn't just feel less fearful of moths. i just felt less fearful in general. it felt beautiful and i still don't why that even matters.
no, all my fears didn't just magically go a away forever, but for that moment, it felt like that. peace. perfection.
because i was reminded of that not too long ago, i looked up the symbolic meanings for moths. although, like any symbol, it didn't fit me to a T, but it sure as hell became something i felt even more connected to. it felt right.

random silly precious things about moths:
-a symbol for vulnerability, determination, concealment, attraction, subtlety, intuition and faith.
-navigates towards light because of the idea of the moon(relates to night owl people, like me)
-"Even at the risk of loosing its life, the moth is ever-vigilant in following its path of light. This may also serve as a moral to us to keep our own vigilance, but not fall victim of blind faith."
-addresses the idea of adjusting one's course as necessary to get to an end result.
-addresses the idea of wanting to pull someone out of the darkness(possibly fixer)
-A master of disguise, the moth can blend in to the point of invisibility. This is a metaphor for us to use our environment to our advantage, blend in when necessary, adjust and adapt when the situation requires it."

 here's my source.
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-moth.html

that was fun :)
-k

lucifer.

he's everywhere.
       unseen to the naive eye.
       talked of by worried mouths.

beautiful creature, fallen angel
no myth.

he's real.

we are broken and we are tainted. we all have our hypocritical moments. our moments where we should regret what we think, what we do, and what we feel, but we regret too late. we regret once the work has already been done. the tears have already been shed and the pain has been felt. we cause hurt and we destroy.

praise. it's not constant. there is redemption because there is remorse.
we are alive, we have hearts, and we feel.
we feel for others. we love.

but we are not alone.

amongst the "we" there is "he"
he who feels nothing.
he who hides in plain sight.
he's everywhere.
seeming to be Chaucer's lily to the naive eye.

beautiful.
alive.
attractive.
wanted.

the shining one.
the morning star.
the bringer of light.

his beauty blinds us.
the light is unseen.

he's corrupt and content.
       silently destructive and bitterly murderous.

it's true though.
the light does come.

one day.

today i truly felt that the devil walks among us. there are some people that say that they have good intentions, and really they may be honest. they are being true. the thing is, their views are so skewed that they lack love. they destroy and they manipulate. they torture and haunt. they ruin.

i wish i didn't feel like this. i wish it didn't seem like some people have no heart. i truly wish.

i AM thankful though.
once you deal with the heartless, you can see the beauty of the kind-hearted and loving people so much more than before. you can see how you, yourself can love more. and you can became stronger.

that is what I've learned in this.
-k

you. who are you? she is.

don't ask alice.
she has no answers.
she has no questions.
she is silent.
she is stagnant.
she is still.

this whirlwind.
this wonderland.
she is still, as the world circles around her.
         still, in hypnosis.
         still, unconscious and unaware.
         floating...
         falling.
         singular...
         alone.
         in this broken world.
         into the rabbit hole.
she hides...she wonders...she dreams.


she is lost.
she see's many paths but all are uncertain. all are foggy. all are dark.
she fears the dark.
she fears the lost.
she fears the loss.
she fears, but should embrace.
                                be lead by her dreams.
                                be lead by her love.
                                be lead by the wonder.

she should fight.
she should dance.
she should endure.
she should overcome.
she should question.
                 consider questioning.
                 be lost.
                 embrace the lost.
                 enjoy the dreams.
                 embrace the light.
                 embrace the life.
                 keep fighting.

she should find her way.
she should find her strength.
she should find her.
                 find herself.
                 find her way.

this whirlwind.
this wonderland.
this imaginarium.
she is not still.
she is continuing.
         floating...
         falling...
         flying...
         fighting...

ask alice.
she knows.

moth.

i knew.
i was told.
it was true.
it was bold.
i didn't care.
i swear.

"beware"

no shit.
this game i don't know how to quit.

i knew.
i flew.
fly back and renew.
regain that strength and fight that pain.
fly back to where it doesn't rain
it doesn't storm.
nothing need mourn.

i knew.
you knew.
it was so very true.
it was in my gut.
felt it ache.
forcing the heart to break.
sick if this rut, but i knew.
i flew.
to the flame.
felt the burn.
and in turn, i knew.
i flew.

fly back and renew.
regain the strength and fight the pain.
fly back to where it doesn't rain.
it doesn't storm.
nothing need mourn.

transient

nothing stays.

everybody dies.

what is lasting?
i once thought i knew, when really, i just hoped.
i want to hope again, but i worry to live a lie.
i worry to live nothing. live for nothing.
nothing to guide me.

nothing stays.

what stays is what matters.

we can be blind to what matters.

we can forget what matters when we got lost in what's transient.

transient.
also known as exciting. new. different.
a new hope when old hope is lost in a cloud of fear.
a new hope for something to last.
all we do is strive for joy and expect it to last.
long lasting joy can't be found in transience.
it can only be found in what lasts.
but what is lasting?

nothing stays.

we are blind to what stays.

we never want what stays.
only transience.
nothing stays when nothing is still.
only transience.
nothing stays when nothing is still.

be still.
how to be still when nothing is lasting?
what is lasting?
nothing stays.

everybody dies.
-k

relinquish your tragedy.

relinquish your tragedy.
let go of your frustrations.
give it all away.
never forget. just remember the good more often.
restart religiously and be better.
just be better.
be what you know you'd rather be and never give a crap about what you were again.
stop caring  about what was and what will be.
there is no "will be" and "what was" doesn't matter anymore.
it is only "what is."

we are destined for nothing but death.
to struggle with life is unnecessary.
stop fearing life and never hide again.
give it all away.
all that matters is what makes you better.
be better.
care, but only because it's right and right for you.
don't "care" because it's what you're used to doing.
it only causes pain.
to cause your own pain is unnecessary.
it's uncanny.
it's unrealistic.
crazy.
tragic.
don't be unnecessary tragic when nothing too tragic exists.
nothing too tragic really exists and yet everything seems like a tragedy.
let go.
give it all away.
relinquish your tragedy.
-k

miracles happen.

today i texted my friend in virginia whom i love and miss dearly! this lead to an attempted phone call and then lead to a bit of phone tag until we finally talked. well, i talked. she mostly listened. i updated her on the difficulties of my life right now. and i think, whether or not it matters, i wana update the world. update the internet. i want to write it down. i want to see everything typed in front of me. see the crazy mixed up mess that IS my life and my brain and my heart. i'm a mess. things are a mess. life is one big mess, and i WILL clean up my mess. i WILL.

just in the last few days i've come to a lot of realizations, thanks to some beautiful and strong friends. these are those realizations that i've mentioned before. the ones that you already kind of knew, but someone or something had fall out of the sky and hit you right in the head for you to really accept it and decide to do something about it.
so.
my life..a bit of babbling for ya..
right now i am lost. still lost. uncertain about where i am going and what i'm doing and even, who i am. i flip-flop back and forth every day about whether or not i even want to be in bg or even in ohio. i'm questioning what's here for me, but i also don't know what could be out there for me either. i am conflicted about everything that i do because i have grown into this timid, fearful, self-conscious and intimidated individual. it seems that i have lost my strength. at least, for myself. i can be the strongest rock in the world for others, but i cave for them as well. i can't stand up for myself. i can't say no very well. i care for others too much that i have lost myself. i have also lost myself because of all the hurt that i have dealt with and put myself through. because of my past, i have trouble letting people in, i focus all of my care on others rather than myself, i let everyone else be the center of attention, and i hide behind my peers.
some people would consider this a bad thing, and i would agree with them to an extent. you shouldn't give all of yourself to others. you'd think a girl would learn, but apparently it is difficult to break out of the cycle that i have been programmed to do. i was raised to always give and to love people. apparently something got skewed as i grew and this idea became: always be giving and love people(no matter the consequence). i believe i'm finally REALLY noticing the consequences of my actions. giving all of my love to others and none to myself has turned me into what i am today. it's crazy how much weight "loving too much" can have on one's growth.
i have trouble saying no to people, and people know it. i allow myself to be taken advantage of because i just want to help. over the years, i've let others take center stage. i've focused on other people and allowed them to take precedence. because of that, i don't talk about myself anymore and all i really do is listen. i don't really talk about what's going on in my life or what my opinions are because i assume no one wants to hear. i don't even really know what my opinions are anymore and i don't know how to talk about my thoughts. my attempted humility has turned into forgetting who i am and losing who i am. losing confidence. forgetting how to be me. forgetting who "me" is.
i fade into the background while around certain people with confident and overbearing personalities. i used to be stronger than that. i used to the confident personality. i believe there are still days where my confidence shines, but it's covered in a haze these days. ha, i rhymed.
i have lost my strength. i must learn to find it again.

this has lead to more realizations. because of the way i interact with people, i am not really close to anyone. i have a very small list of people i truly open up to and feel comfortable with. i have a lot of "friends" but not many friends. i love the people that are in my life, but i know that our relationships need to be stronger and the only reason why they aren't that strong is because i don't open up and actually talk about my true feelings and thoughts. that needs to change. i need to change it.

i noticed something else.
i open up easier to men than to women. i may be wrong, but i have a theory as to why.
my parents are happily married and have been for about 27 years now. they have friends but no one intensely close. they are each others' best friend. they are basically all each other has. it's what i was raised around. i was raised to love and care for as many people as possible and then come home to that one and only person that i would let in, my husband. i think, subconsciously, that is what i am constantly preparing myself for. i naturally open up more to my male friends than to my female friends because without realizing it, i am constantly pining for my hopeful future and marriage and babies and perfect and blah blah blah...anyway, that's just a theory. it could also be that i, being a woman, am completely aware of the dramatic, passive aggressive and emotional judgement that that come from a girl. in my mind, guys protect. therefore, they can hear anything and everything about you, and be willing to care for you despite it all. again, my thoughts.

so, there's a bit of babble.
here's a bit more.

yes, it's great that i became aware of so much. but now, i have to deal with it all. i want to change what's going on and change who i am. i'm worried it could only be  done by a miracle.
-k

where is my mind?

i've been awol. i don't exactly have a monumental amount of readers, but either way, i feel bad. i think i should update something and someone on how i'm doing because when things are rough and i don't disclose it somewhere, i'll probably implode. i do talk to people, but i still feel the need to bottle it up to an extent.

facebook asks "how are you doing today, katie?" well, facebook, if you must know, things are fabulous except for the fact that i cause my own hear ache and i never learn and because of that i wonder if i'm ever going to be happy with someone and if i'm even supposed to have someone in my life. right now, i feel deserving. such bullshit. i have no right. no one has a right. i don't think i will have that in my life. i don't want to lose hope, but i don't know how else to feel. right now, my name is hopeless. maybe this hopelessness won't last and maybe it's exactly what i need to get my mind off of what i worry could be an obsession. my romantic future should not be important to how i plan out every day. i should just live.
that is just so damn difficult.

sometimes we just need reminders of hope. cheesy as hell but yeah. and when i say "we" i mean i am selfishly putting up a list of hopeful little notes :)
-k

wristcutters: a love story

"most of the people that i knew before i got here were either half dead or completely dead already. completely dead."

random stream of consciousness views that may and probably do have flaws:
people are a mess.
we are either living life day by day and going through the motions like robotic drones with no real goals, or constantly trying to be more than what we are. or a mix. i feel like when we are a mix, we a re better off, but it's still such a mess. if we are robotic zombies just waiting for life to pass, we will just stay stagnant. if we keep striving to be more and do more and be better, then we will never be satisfied and content with just who we are and what we are doing. if we are a mix of the two, we can be going through motions while preparing for life and being better people and having amazing lives. maybe. i don't know.

though, if we are striving and never satisfied and preparing for the future, then we are planning. possibly planning too much. and therefore not allowing "whatever will be, will be." we need to be more willing to let life happen, instead of forcing it to happen.


"it only happens if it doesn't matter. it comes without effort."

waiting for the end.

i need to focus on my growth but i also need to find something that i want to do with the rest of my life. i have no career goals. i just want to be a wife and a mommy. that's my career goal. the only goal that fully relies on the existence of another.
of course. 
it's funny.
i have always been taken care of and had to depend on others when it comes to my lively hood. the thing is, when it comes my mental state and my growth, i think i've forced myself to be very self-sufficient. i'm an independent stone.
with that, of course, all i want to do with the rest of my life is take care of others, BUT fully rely on one person to connect to and not have to be a stone towards.
ironic, i believe.

so now. i wait. i endure. i find something to do with my time that i enjoy and that i think would be beneficial for my life. i pray. i hope that something occurs that will bring me joy. i hope that i find the motivation to accomplish other things while i wait and hope for what i truly want. i hope i don't miss it. i'd like to say that i have faith that things will go well. i just hope i live a long enough life to experience the great life i want so badly. yes, i am happy and am having a generally good life. :) i am content. BUT i also know what i want from this life and i just hope i'm able to have it. 

we shall see. mumford and sons understands my will. my heart. my surprising patience.

linkin park understands my confusion.

Waiting for the end 
.-linkin park

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear 

 

the rough road

my insanity explained:

so as claire colburn from elizabethtown says, "i can't help helping."

we all have personal opinions of our own selves. we have both positive and negative opinions. i have a few negative opinions. i'd like to consider them what makes up my "insanity."
-i focus on helping others more than i focus on helping myself
-i don't know how to deal with people. i can be "helpful"and i be "counselor-y" but i have trouble opening up to people and really being comfortable with them.
- i think i'm boring because even the most simple of interactions and the most quiet moments can be just fine, to me. with that, i don't feel like i offer much to relationships i have with anyone.
-i get caught up in the idea of a romantic relationship so much that i pine and pursue when i should not really have to and i have no fucking clue what i'm doing.

-i fall. i become the counselor-y friend who wants to be pursued but doesn't know how to show it correctly. i may or may not be pursued, but if so, only for a moment until i am instead preferred to be just the best friend.
-i allow myself to be the substitute for what/who a guy truly wanted.
-i become a band aid because i want to help. therefore i am helping them for the time but not usually forever and i can be ripped away from being close to the person at any time.

all of this describes my personal view of my own "insanity"
the sad thing is, these issues are ones i continually deal with. i never learn and i am always making the same mistakes. to purposely do something that causes yourself pain, and to do it continuously: that is insanity, according to BONES.

so right now i'm dealing with trying to fix my insanity, or cope with it. i'm trying to be less pursuing and more aloof, but still open and talkative. i want to experience new and different things and not be so fearful of everyday life. i don't want to pursue the "counseling" bestfriend name tag if romantic feelings exist in my heart. i will not be the substitute or the band-aid character I WILL NOT FALL.

what i must do is take a detour from this treacherous path i have. now i must figure out how to healthily detour. it's definitely difficult but hopefully i will learn and not need another detour again. we shall see if i learn how to succeed in not falling over time. ha pun.

this is what i'm so excited for in my future. because even though i feel like i keep making the same mistake over and over again, in the end i need to trust that life will be good as long as i'm happy.

i just need some change. need to prepare the detour and hopefully even start taking that detour, asap. who knows, maybe i already am considering i'm aware of the problem.

yep. here's hoping i'm right. i do feel smarter though. so that's cool. feel a little bit more prepared. :)
-k