norma jean

many women have admired marilyn. she's become an idol for her beauty and her shape and her style and her everything. she's beautiful and loved. hollywood has spilled as much of her story that they knew. they displayed her as raw as they could. she's so flawed and yet shes still so idolized. it took me a while to really see why. finally, about a year ago, i fell in love. i love with the idea of marilyn monroe.

i adore her! i want to be like her....sort of.
i don't love her for acting ability or her singing ability, or her smart choices, though i do love a few movies, especially The Misfits. i admire her for her vulnerability. she was a perfectly imperfect mess and she didnt care. i wish she was smarter. i wish she was treated better. i wish she loved herself and was more loved. but no matter what, she was always vulnerable. she bared all. the world knew her secrets, her real hair color, and every scar, dimple or freckle. she didnt give a shit about feminism or anti-feminism. she just didnt give a shit. and i dont think it was in a lazy way, though it may have been scared. i think it was because she was smarter than the world thought. she was smarter. you can be as smart as einstein and still be a moron at times. she has had her share of moronic moments, but i still think she was a genius.
playing an idiot, whether or not she was really playing at all.
living life and loving it as best as she could, despite her own demons.
knowing she is beautiful in her shape and being willing to strip down to the buck and not give a shit.
being who she wanted to be.
hell, even for using her look to her advantage. i do admire that, at least a bit. im for feminism but im also willing to notice that feminine whiles are a gift from God that we MUST use right. whether or not she always used it right, i plead the fifth.

either way, i know her beauty is something to be admired. yes, so many have done it already. now it's my turn.

i have som much that i want to paint about and draw about. why not focus on being me and woman and my admiration for someone who focused on the same thing. here we go.
-k

toxicity

TOXICITY 1
it drained.
it poisoned.
it destroyed.

such little time with so much weight.
a quarter-year deja vu
reminded of the past,
realizing that the pain can be regained.
it can resurface, but at light-speed.
four years of cyclical strife.
manipulation.
heart-ache.
brokenness.
all in one instant.
it seemed like a blink.
a piercing blink.

the deja vu in you.

that life was toxic,
and so was ours.

a drug.
addicting and destructive.
giving an intense high.
building you up and up and up;
tearing you down.

time to detox.

let go of the poison.

TOXICITY 2
leaving one damaged.
a substance that can either affect an entire organism or just a portion.
effects are dose-dependent.
the more one encounters the substance, the more one is hurt by it.
it is species-specific.

isn't that just so damn interesting....
-k

english breakfast tea

it's 8:30 am.
i am awake by choice.
this is FANTASTIC!

tomorrow i hope to do the same and wake up and even go running. it'd be so nice to feel like a real person and use the mornings wisely instead of sleeping through them like a dope. but here's what's up: sadly, i feel like shit. i feel bloated and achey. i believe it's because i started taking all of my vitamins again and i'm trying to get healthy. lol my body needs time to adjust.

here are my plans: when i'm finally adjusted to mornings and full days and vitamins and food i want to use mornings to run, read, connect with friends, paint, do laundry, sew, etc..
i need to be productive and balance my time. this is a BIG DEAL right now. i need to reconnect with people without losing myself. balance is key. before, i'd focus on learning who i was and think about my personal growth OR i focused on my friendships and focus on other people's growth. i realized not too long ago that there is just not enough time in the day for me to care like i should. but then i realized something else, there's probably enough time but i haven't actually used all of my time correctly. that may sound silly, but it's terribly important to me.

mornings are not for sleeping. they are accomplishment and growth and renewing one's self.

 

also...

wonderful thought: my roommates and i move into our new house in a bit more than a month. this new change will be so well needed. we will all have this feeling of being renewed and life will be awesome. :)

-k

 

adapting moths

ADAPTABLE

it's clear.
the unclear.
the new.
the world.
ever-uncertain and yet we must live it ever day.
day by day and note by note.
no clarity. no certainty.
just change.
the change.
accept the change.
accept the consequences.
accept the reality.
it is clear that nothing is clear.
nothing is certain.
nothing stays.

change.
we change.
we blend.
we learn.
we move.
we move on.
we grow.

THAT is clear.

that we must.
all of it.
change. blend. learn. move. grow.
fight.
fight the change.
only fight it with logic and heart.
think and consider.
use the change to your advantage.
make it yours.
accept it and approach it strong.
hard and fast.
tough and delicate.
kind and smart.
approach it.
accept it.
and adapt.

make life right.
use what's there.
embrace the change and grow.
grow with it til the days are done.
til there is silence.

so i keep looking into moths. not sure why. i feel a weird connection, but nothing easily explained. i used to hate moths. i found them creepy and little nerve-racking to find flitting around in my home. i think that changed when i was walking with a friend one night. i don't even remember what friend but i know it was a male and it was by rallys. doesn't matter. anyway, there was a moth. a HUGE light yellowing moth. it was following me. no joke. it'd flutter its almost too heavy to lift wings a bit, plop down right behind me or next to me and then if i moved forward it continued on the same path. this happened for only a bit as it liked being close to the street lights instead of my dark alley towards home. but it was weird. something in me changed that night. i felt at ease. at peace and lacking fear. i didn't just feel less fearful of moths. i just felt less fearful in general. it felt beautiful and i still don't why that even matters.
no, all my fears didn't just magically go a away forever, but for that moment, it felt like that. peace. perfection.
because i was reminded of that not too long ago, i looked up the symbolic meanings for moths. although, like any symbol, it didn't fit me to a T, but it sure as hell became something i felt even more connected to. it felt right.

random silly precious things about moths:
-a symbol for vulnerability, determination, concealment, attraction, subtlety, intuition and faith.
-navigates towards light because of the idea of the moon(relates to night owl people, like me)
-"Even at the risk of loosing its life, the moth is ever-vigilant in following its path of light. This may also serve as a moral to us to keep our own vigilance, but not fall victim of blind faith."
-addresses the idea of adjusting one's course as necessary to get to an end result.
-addresses the idea of wanting to pull someone out of the darkness(possibly fixer)
-A master of disguise, the moth can blend in to the point of invisibility. This is a metaphor for us to use our environment to our advantage, blend in when necessary, adjust and adapt when the situation requires it."

 here's my source.
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-moth.html

that was fun :)
-k

lucifer.

he's everywhere.
       unseen to the naive eye.
       talked of by worried mouths.

beautiful creature, fallen angel
no myth.

he's real.

we are broken and we are tainted. we all have our hypocritical moments. our moments where we should regret what we think, what we do, and what we feel, but we regret too late. we regret once the work has already been done. the tears have already been shed and the pain has been felt. we cause hurt and we destroy.

praise. it's not constant. there is redemption because there is remorse.
we are alive, we have hearts, and we feel.
we feel for others. we love.

but we are not alone.

amongst the "we" there is "he"
he who feels nothing.
he who hides in plain sight.
he's everywhere.
seeming to be Chaucer's lily to the naive eye.

beautiful.
alive.
attractive.
wanted.

the shining one.
the morning star.
the bringer of light.

his beauty blinds us.
the light is unseen.

he's corrupt and content.
       silently destructive and bitterly murderous.

it's true though.
the light does come.

one day.

today i truly felt that the devil walks among us. there are some people that say that they have good intentions, and really they may be honest. they are being true. the thing is, their views are so skewed that they lack love. they destroy and they manipulate. they torture and haunt. they ruin.

i wish i didn't feel like this. i wish it didn't seem like some people have no heart. i truly wish.

i AM thankful though.
once you deal with the heartless, you can see the beauty of the kind-hearted and loving people so much more than before. you can see how you, yourself can love more. and you can became stronger.

that is what I've learned in this.
-k