you. who are you? she is.

don't ask alice.
she has no answers.
she has no questions.
she is silent.
she is stagnant.
she is still.

this whirlwind.
this wonderland.
she is still, as the world circles around her.
         still, in hypnosis.
         still, unconscious and unaware.
         floating...
         falling.
         singular...
         alone.
         in this broken world.
         into the rabbit hole.
she hides...she wonders...she dreams.


she is lost.
she see's many paths but all are uncertain. all are foggy. all are dark.
she fears the dark.
she fears the lost.
she fears the loss.
she fears, but should embrace.
                                be lead by her dreams.
                                be lead by her love.
                                be lead by the wonder.

she should fight.
she should dance.
she should endure.
she should overcome.
she should question.
                 consider questioning.
                 be lost.
                 embrace the lost.
                 enjoy the dreams.
                 embrace the light.
                 embrace the life.
                 keep fighting.

she should find her way.
she should find her strength.
she should find her.
                 find herself.
                 find her way.

this whirlwind.
this wonderland.
this imaginarium.
she is not still.
she is continuing.
         floating...
         falling...
         flying...
         fighting...

ask alice.
she knows.

moth.

i knew.
i was told.
it was true.
it was bold.
i didn't care.
i swear.

"beware"

no shit.
this game i don't know how to quit.

i knew.
i flew.
fly back and renew.
regain that strength and fight that pain.
fly back to where it doesn't rain
it doesn't storm.
nothing need mourn.

i knew.
you knew.
it was so very true.
it was in my gut.
felt it ache.
forcing the heart to break.
sick if this rut, but i knew.
i flew.
to the flame.
felt the burn.
and in turn, i knew.
i flew.

fly back and renew.
regain the strength and fight the pain.
fly back to where it doesn't rain.
it doesn't storm.
nothing need mourn.

transient

nothing stays.

everybody dies.

what is lasting?
i once thought i knew, when really, i just hoped.
i want to hope again, but i worry to live a lie.
i worry to live nothing. live for nothing.
nothing to guide me.

nothing stays.

what stays is what matters.

we can be blind to what matters.

we can forget what matters when we got lost in what's transient.

transient.
also known as exciting. new. different.
a new hope when old hope is lost in a cloud of fear.
a new hope for something to last.
all we do is strive for joy and expect it to last.
long lasting joy can't be found in transience.
it can only be found in what lasts.
but what is lasting?

nothing stays.

we are blind to what stays.

we never want what stays.
only transience.
nothing stays when nothing is still.
only transience.
nothing stays when nothing is still.

be still.
how to be still when nothing is lasting?
what is lasting?
nothing stays.

everybody dies.
-k

relinquish your tragedy.

relinquish your tragedy.
let go of your frustrations.
give it all away.
never forget. just remember the good more often.
restart religiously and be better.
just be better.
be what you know you'd rather be and never give a crap about what you were again.
stop caring  about what was and what will be.
there is no "will be" and "what was" doesn't matter anymore.
it is only "what is."

we are destined for nothing but death.
to struggle with life is unnecessary.
stop fearing life and never hide again.
give it all away.
all that matters is what makes you better.
be better.
care, but only because it's right and right for you.
don't "care" because it's what you're used to doing.
it only causes pain.
to cause your own pain is unnecessary.
it's uncanny.
it's unrealistic.
crazy.
tragic.
don't be unnecessary tragic when nothing too tragic exists.
nothing too tragic really exists and yet everything seems like a tragedy.
let go.
give it all away.
relinquish your tragedy.
-k

miracles happen.

today i texted my friend in virginia whom i love and miss dearly! this lead to an attempted phone call and then lead to a bit of phone tag until we finally talked. well, i talked. she mostly listened. i updated her on the difficulties of my life right now. and i think, whether or not it matters, i wana update the world. update the internet. i want to write it down. i want to see everything typed in front of me. see the crazy mixed up mess that IS my life and my brain and my heart. i'm a mess. things are a mess. life is one big mess, and i WILL clean up my mess. i WILL.

just in the last few days i've come to a lot of realizations, thanks to some beautiful and strong friends. these are those realizations that i've mentioned before. the ones that you already kind of knew, but someone or something had fall out of the sky and hit you right in the head for you to really accept it and decide to do something about it.
so.
my life..a bit of babbling for ya..
right now i am lost. still lost. uncertain about where i am going and what i'm doing and even, who i am. i flip-flop back and forth every day about whether or not i even want to be in bg or even in ohio. i'm questioning what's here for me, but i also don't know what could be out there for me either. i am conflicted about everything that i do because i have grown into this timid, fearful, self-conscious and intimidated individual. it seems that i have lost my strength. at least, for myself. i can be the strongest rock in the world for others, but i cave for them as well. i can't stand up for myself. i can't say no very well. i care for others too much that i have lost myself. i have also lost myself because of all the hurt that i have dealt with and put myself through. because of my past, i have trouble letting people in, i focus all of my care on others rather than myself, i let everyone else be the center of attention, and i hide behind my peers.
some people would consider this a bad thing, and i would agree with them to an extent. you shouldn't give all of yourself to others. you'd think a girl would learn, but apparently it is difficult to break out of the cycle that i have been programmed to do. i was raised to always give and to love people. apparently something got skewed as i grew and this idea became: always be giving and love people(no matter the consequence). i believe i'm finally REALLY noticing the consequences of my actions. giving all of my love to others and none to myself has turned me into what i am today. it's crazy how much weight "loving too much" can have on one's growth.
i have trouble saying no to people, and people know it. i allow myself to be taken advantage of because i just want to help. over the years, i've let others take center stage. i've focused on other people and allowed them to take precedence. because of that, i don't talk about myself anymore and all i really do is listen. i don't really talk about what's going on in my life or what my opinions are because i assume no one wants to hear. i don't even really know what my opinions are anymore and i don't know how to talk about my thoughts. my attempted humility has turned into forgetting who i am and losing who i am. losing confidence. forgetting how to be me. forgetting who "me" is.
i fade into the background while around certain people with confident and overbearing personalities. i used to be stronger than that. i used to the confident personality. i believe there are still days where my confidence shines, but it's covered in a haze these days. ha, i rhymed.
i have lost my strength. i must learn to find it again.

this has lead to more realizations. because of the way i interact with people, i am not really close to anyone. i have a very small list of people i truly open up to and feel comfortable with. i have a lot of "friends" but not many friends. i love the people that are in my life, but i know that our relationships need to be stronger and the only reason why they aren't that strong is because i don't open up and actually talk about my true feelings and thoughts. that needs to change. i need to change it.

i noticed something else.
i open up easier to men than to women. i may be wrong, but i have a theory as to why.
my parents are happily married and have been for about 27 years now. they have friends but no one intensely close. they are each others' best friend. they are basically all each other has. it's what i was raised around. i was raised to love and care for as many people as possible and then come home to that one and only person that i would let in, my husband. i think, subconsciously, that is what i am constantly preparing myself for. i naturally open up more to my male friends than to my female friends because without realizing it, i am constantly pining for my hopeful future and marriage and babies and perfect and blah blah blah...anyway, that's just a theory. it could also be that i, being a woman, am completely aware of the dramatic, passive aggressive and emotional judgement that that come from a girl. in my mind, guys protect. therefore, they can hear anything and everything about you, and be willing to care for you despite it all. again, my thoughts.

so, there's a bit of babble.
here's a bit more.

yes, it's great that i became aware of so much. but now, i have to deal with it all. i want to change what's going on and change who i am. i'm worried it could only be  done by a miracle.
-k

where is my mind?

i've been awol. i don't exactly have a monumental amount of readers, but either way, i feel bad. i think i should update something and someone on how i'm doing because when things are rough and i don't disclose it somewhere, i'll probably implode. i do talk to people, but i still feel the need to bottle it up to an extent.

facebook asks "how are you doing today, katie?" well, facebook, if you must know, things are fabulous except for the fact that i cause my own hear ache and i never learn and because of that i wonder if i'm ever going to be happy with someone and if i'm even supposed to have someone in my life. right now, i feel deserving. such bullshit. i have no right. no one has a right. i don't think i will have that in my life. i don't want to lose hope, but i don't know how else to feel. right now, my name is hopeless. maybe this hopelessness won't last and maybe it's exactly what i need to get my mind off of what i worry could be an obsession. my romantic future should not be important to how i plan out every day. i should just live.
that is just so damn difficult.

sometimes we just need reminders of hope. cheesy as hell but yeah. and when i say "we" i mean i am selfishly putting up a list of hopeful little notes :)
-k