wristcutters: a love story

"most of the people that i knew before i got here were either half dead or completely dead already. completely dead."

random stream of consciousness views that may and probably do have flaws:
people are a mess.
we are either living life day by day and going through the motions like robotic drones with no real goals, or constantly trying to be more than what we are. or a mix. i feel like when we are a mix, we a re better off, but it's still such a mess. if we are robotic zombies just waiting for life to pass, we will just stay stagnant. if we keep striving to be more and do more and be better, then we will never be satisfied and content with just who we are and what we are doing. if we are a mix of the two, we can be going through motions while preparing for life and being better people and having amazing lives. maybe. i don't know.

though, if we are striving and never satisfied and preparing for the future, then we are planning. possibly planning too much. and therefore not allowing "whatever will be, will be." we need to be more willing to let life happen, instead of forcing it to happen.


"it only happens if it doesn't matter. it comes without effort."

waiting for the end.

i need to focus on my growth but i also need to find something that i want to do with the rest of my life. i have no career goals. i just want to be a wife and a mommy. that's my career goal. the only goal that fully relies on the existence of another.
of course. 
it's funny.
i have always been taken care of and had to depend on others when it comes to my lively hood. the thing is, when it comes my mental state and my growth, i think i've forced myself to be very self-sufficient. i'm an independent stone.
with that, of course, all i want to do with the rest of my life is take care of others, BUT fully rely on one person to connect to and not have to be a stone towards.
ironic, i believe.

so now. i wait. i endure. i find something to do with my time that i enjoy and that i think would be beneficial for my life. i pray. i hope that something occurs that will bring me joy. i hope that i find the motivation to accomplish other things while i wait and hope for what i truly want. i hope i don't miss it. i'd like to say that i have faith that things will go well. i just hope i live a long enough life to experience the great life i want so badly. yes, i am happy and am having a generally good life. :) i am content. BUT i also know what i want from this life and i just hope i'm able to have it. 

we shall see. mumford and sons understands my will. my heart. my surprising patience.

linkin park understands my confusion.

Waiting for the end 
.-linkin park

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear 

 

the rough road

my insanity explained:

so as claire colburn from elizabethtown says, "i can't help helping."

we all have personal opinions of our own selves. we have both positive and negative opinions. i have a few negative opinions. i'd like to consider them what makes up my "insanity."
-i focus on helping others more than i focus on helping myself
-i don't know how to deal with people. i can be "helpful"and i be "counselor-y" but i have trouble opening up to people and really being comfortable with them.
- i think i'm boring because even the most simple of interactions and the most quiet moments can be just fine, to me. with that, i don't feel like i offer much to relationships i have with anyone.
-i get caught up in the idea of a romantic relationship so much that i pine and pursue when i should not really have to and i have no fucking clue what i'm doing.

-i fall. i become the counselor-y friend who wants to be pursued but doesn't know how to show it correctly. i may or may not be pursued, but if so, only for a moment until i am instead preferred to be just the best friend.
-i allow myself to be the substitute for what/who a guy truly wanted.
-i become a band aid because i want to help. therefore i am helping them for the time but not usually forever and i can be ripped away from being close to the person at any time.

all of this describes my personal view of my own "insanity"
the sad thing is, these issues are ones i continually deal with. i never learn and i am always making the same mistakes. to purposely do something that causes yourself pain, and to do it continuously: that is insanity, according to BONES.

so right now i'm dealing with trying to fix my insanity, or cope with it. i'm trying to be less pursuing and more aloof, but still open and talkative. i want to experience new and different things and not be so fearful of everyday life. i don't want to pursue the "counseling" bestfriend name tag if romantic feelings exist in my heart. i will not be the substitute or the band-aid character I WILL NOT FALL.

what i must do is take a detour from this treacherous path i have. now i must figure out how to healthily detour. it's definitely difficult but hopefully i will learn and not need another detour again. we shall see if i learn how to succeed in not falling over time. ha pun.

this is what i'm so excited for in my future. because even though i feel like i keep making the same mistake over and over again, in the end i need to trust that life will be good as long as i'm happy.

i just need some change. need to prepare the detour and hopefully even start taking that detour, asap. who knows, maybe i already am considering i'm aware of the problem.

yep. here's hoping i'm right. i do feel smarter though. so that's cool. feel a little bit more prepared. :)
-k

the fall.

i haven't known what to write about as of late. so much has happened and yet nothing has changed.

one thing. i wrote this:

i don't want to fall.
i keep falling, but at least i pick myself up.
that shows strength.

but to fall, pick yourself up, turn around and trip over the same bump in the road again and again... that shows insanity.

it's insane to take the same road over and over again when yo should finally take a different route.
a detour.
to not fall.
to fall less, at least.

i shall explain more later. but i realized a dilemma of mine. i've known of this insanity for a while now. i just haven't known how to correct it or at least, cope correctly.

too be continued.
-k 

BONE deep.

i'm obsessed with BONES. this television show is so weird because i feel like i connect to it so well. it's my show. i relate to the characters in such strong ways. i feel like there's so much to learn. the more i watch, the more i learn, even if i've seen the same episode at least 5 times. it seems like a show with such a basic storyline, and it is even a seemingly overdone storyline, at that. it's a crime drama that has a main character who writes books loosely based on her own life fighting  crime....how original. and yet, it's so different to me. it's so fantastically different than all of the rest.

this show gives me something new. it really helps me dive into the human psyche. helps me to dive into my own mind and even understand my life more. the show addresses anthropology, psychology, religion, belief, science, art, etc. the main characters have so much depth. they are so human. so off. every character is flawed. not as in they are poorly developed characters, but that they are so amazingly developed that they seem like someone that i would know, and want to know, and relate to. they aren't perfect. they are human. they are broken. they are constantly trying to figure out life. they are not average. i am not average. i always worry about being average and dull, but it's because i know i am no where near average, but still don't know how to really accept the odd duck that i am. i don't feel like i know how to be human and neither do these characters. it's comforting. this show.

i know i rambled. but i don't have a clue how to express my connection to this show. it may be odd, but sometimes it doesn't like anyone understands me. i feel alone amongst a community of loved ones. i feel alone, and yet i know there characters, there are "people" that make me feel a little bit less than alone.

some reasons why this show is such a comfort. it's almost medicinal.
-"every body has secrets." this tagline couldn't be more perfect.
-"anger is only fear turned inwards."-angela
-"Booth. I knew you'd back me up, I knew you wouldn't make me a liar. "-bones
  "Hm, how did you know?"-booth.
  "Because you want to go to heaven."-bones
  "But you don't believe in heaven."-booth
  " But you do"-bones.
-a foster/adopted child is someone that someone else chooses to love. <3
-"It was like we were both playing chicken and then we - we both swerved."-angela
 "What we should've done is crashed right into each other."-hodgins
 "At the speed of light."-angela
-She has enough pent-up sexual energy to power a small Midwestern city."-angela

there's definitely more to love, i'm just lazy and don't want to keep looking up my favorite parts.

this helps too.
-k

what i know.

there is SO MUCH happening lately. so much emotion. so many trials. so many challenges of the heart. so much wanting. so much pain. it's something i have never felt before, at least not at this scale. a depressive confused scared state that many people face on a regular basis. i, on the other hand, am new to this. i don't know what to do with this. who i am. what i'm doing. what i want. how to be. how to be happy.

there's a lot i don't know. some lack of knowledge i am willing to accept. others, i want answers NOW and am impatiently waiting for them.

here is what i do know:

1.  i am impatient. it is out of fear and a constant need to be productive. i lack this virtue. i wish it was something you could just purchase at a store somewhere. that'd simple and helpful. i'd like that.
2.  i believe in a god. i believe in the existence of  one creator and even the stories that are considered history that have come along side it. i do not like god right now. i do not worship god right now. things with me and god are difficult. i will always believe. that is all i know
3. i want to give up everything and move somewhere new. do something different. really see who i am on my own. i can do that in two years but i want to do it in two minutes and i don't know if i will stop feeling this way for another two years.
4. life is harder when you don't have a plan and 12 backup plans. graduation was the end cap to my plans and now i know nothing of what is next.
5. "love is one of those can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff"- marykate olsen from It Takes Two. i don't know if i've ever felt a romantic love such as this, but i believe she's right.
6. when it comes to my future, i want three things: to have a family, to be happy, and to make others happy. i'm pretty sure that's all i need.
7. i give more than i have. i've grown to care about my friends first and myself second and that's got to change. i don't think i can never fully put myself first, but i do want to try a little better, for own sanity and well being.
8. i have trouble relaxing. still working on that.

-k

scatterbrained reality

so apparently all i am lately is a scatterbrained mess. excited about one part of life. confused about another. upset about another. a mess. probably not as much of a mess as i think, but the biggest mess i've ever felt like i was/am, so it's weird. never felt like more of a mess. it's rough.

i've come to a lot of realizations today, or at least, reminders.
1.  keep trying
2.  never give up on dreams, even if those dreams seem like something only tangible when asleep.
3. keep pursuing what you're good at. if you're pursuing something that you don't have a knack for, maybe it's not what you should be pursuing at all.
4. always focus on your own joy, and of course, others' joy as well, but to a point, you come first.
5. always try to keep a level head. your own sanity and the positive outcomes of your day to day life depend on that.

there's a reason i'm addressing all of these basic motivational statements.
i need to rework my life. my life is great. really. and i'm pretty sure most of my blogs have been about this, but apparently it's been on my mind. it's important.
as i said, my life is great. i have a job. i have great friends. i have a home. i don't have many loans. i have a car. i have a loving family. i have "it all," so why complain? right? complain because what i want in my life and what i have don't really match. they do to an extent, don't get me wrong, but not really.
i have a job that pays the bills. i have great friends that will probably not be in bowling green for the rest of their lives. i have a home that i can only fully call home because it's a roof over my head. my loans will be paid off soon enough, but in life, apparently there are always loans. i have a car that i fear trying to drive. i have a loving family that doesn't really get me and wants me to fit a mold that they made for me.
i do understand the idea that no one is ever satisfied. i believe that idea can be legitimate. who knows, maybe that's the only problem in my life. a never-ending lack of satisfaction. if that is the problem, then fine. i must pursue more. maybe not pursue something else, but something more. it depends on the moment, for sure. this moment, it's a bit of both. i want to pursue something more and something else.
 i need a change.

tonight i had some good well needed talks with a couple friends. both started out with the basic "what's new?" and "how are you?" and lead into deeper, really enlightening conversations. one friend and i realized we were dealing with the exact same frustrations, and therefore felt a connection. we saw the possibility of a deeper friendship occurring and acquired that "i am not alone in my hardship" mentality. we talked about how we both need to rework some things in our lives. how we need to look back on things and see what needs to be fixed. how we both need to try something new or try harder. basically, just keep trying. i mentioned the fact that it's hard to have hope after continual hardship and failure, and she responded, "always a next time tho" :) i'm an optimistic person, and she sounds more optimistic than i am. you wouldn't believe how exciting that is!
so i received her amazing bit of optimism and carried on a conversation with another friend who really made me think. he went right to the point in our conversation. he asked me, "so what would be your ideal situation?" and i realized what it would be. i said, "i think my ideal situation would be getting married, doing something with music whether it's booking bands(kinda like i do with cru but on a way bigger scale) or focusing on one band and being able to be a benefit to them in some way. and then paint and still do little shows and sell art on the side." i realized some things.
i realized how important a family is to me.
pretty sure my biological clock has been "ticking" since i was 20. it's been a rough wait. if i have a reason to wait, that will be my focus for my life. any other career or job i would have would be on the back burner. it wouldn't even come close to being as important as a family. until that possible day comes tho, i need to focus on these new hopes i have.
i realized how much i love booking bands for cru.
i like planning. i like making things happen. i like putting events together. i like putting things into motion. i adore music. i love hearing it come to life. i love seeing people happy. it makes me happy to do this. i can be happy by doing my part to make music known. i wish i could do more.
i realized that i still love making art.
for about a year now, i've questioned my degree. but lately, i'm seeing things happen with my art. nothing too fantastical, just a want for it. i am wanted. i am enjoyed. what i create is wanted and it's magnificent. i feel like my love of creating is not wasted on myself! i want to do art, at least a bit.
i realize that my goal in life is simple: to create and enjoy.
to create a family. to create life. enjoy. to create music(though i personally can't do that, but a girl can dream). to help create knowledge. to enjoy making things happen. to create art. to create beauty. to enjoy every moment i spend making all this happen!

SIDENOTE:
ok. so, my friends are moving to California. two brothers. great guys who really need to just take a big leap of faith for what they love!i bring this up because they have the balls to do what i would love to do, just pick up and leave. do something amazing, or at least pursue something great and hope for the best. i couldn't be more happy for them. their intense will has really taught me a lot about myself as well. they've shown me how easy it can be to pursue a dream.

i'd love to follow in the footsteps of such great and strong friends. to be seemingly fearless and just try no matter the consequences. until i know how to have courage like that and have the opportunity to take a big leap myself, i'm going to work, paint, build my etsy, book bands for cru, promote my friends, grow to be the most amazing me that i can, and try to enjoy the exponentially long 20 mile and hour road that is taking me that next destination. "there's always a next time tho"

people really helped me notice a lot about what i want. for a while, i felt lost and didn't know what i  wanted at all. i am not positive if what i want i right now will last forever when it comes to a career. but no matter what, the basic idea is the same. i will always want to create and enjoy. there is nothing better!
i'm excited for what's to come. i'm terrified, but i'm excited. i must strongly pursue a new, better future for myself. there will be failure, but i WILL manage.
-k

style idols.

in order of notice, not importance.

1. audrey hepburn: i grew up learning about her and observing her. seeing her beauty. her simply elogant beauty and her "i don't give a shit" perfection. there's nothing more beautiful.

2. mary kate and ashley olsen: i legitimately grew with them. i watched them grow into style ninjas. always admiring them for their style knowledge, and i continue to do so.

3. marilyn monroe: her size. her shape. her style. her hair. her seduction. she's amazing and she's MY SIZE!!! seriously, there's nothing else i can really say.

4. jackie o: simple. class. oh shit, the class! also, we have similar facial features that i am told i look like her in the face. that's intensely awesome. constant blushing. seriously, i'm so honored.

5. alysha nett: she's a little bit of a different direction when it comes to style, but her edge and sex appeal and tattoos just make me so excited to be a woman who also loves tattoos. she makes them so beautiful! she's simple in style and even prissy at moments, but just SO COOL.

6. michelle williams: she not only played marilyn monroe in a movie, My Week With Marilyn, she also has FANTASTIC hair and has this nonchalant boyishly feminine style to her that i feel like i can relate to. she's no where near "butch" in style. she's got this beautiful androgyny to her. it's admirable.

7. ginnifer goodwin: her hair. it's just all i cared about for a while. it was her hair. she's great for a multitude of reasons, but her hair is what really got to me. like WOAH. like i went into the bathroom with a pair of scissors and emulated her haircut one random night before cru last year. happened.

8. zooey deschanel: she's the perfect mix of girl next door and chic. she's probably the least edgy of style icons that i have(maybe on the same level as audrey hepburn). she's just so damn cute!

9. lauren conrad: because she's just so chill. that's all. she's beautifully relaxed. it's wonderful.

i know there will be more lovely women to add to this list, but til then, this what i've got :)
-k

out of lock down.

to incarcerate the mind is something i would never want to do, but to free it with no place for it to go....that seems rather unhelpful.

tonight i found myself in a quandary. i  felt this need to pursue knowledge. the thing is, nothing really sparked my interest. i thought it was one of those moments where i was thinking of everything and nothing all at once. but no. it's one of those moments where i have such an open and relaxed mind that nothing catches my attention and nothing is really affecting me. i'm not phased. i'm not worried. i'm calm and thoughtless. well, not thoughtless enough that i can't make this post. 

but it's a beautiful feeling.

i don't tend to feel this way very often. i never have a calm mind. it's usually filled with scenarios, hopes, fears, expectations, worries and unnecessary information. right now, it's as if it's empty. like, i'm shocked i'm not drooling as i stare at a blank wall. that empty.

i feel two things: joy and frustration. 

joy: i have a happy contentment about not over-thinking. i am ALWAYS over-thinking, so to have a day where nothing is really on my mind and i'm not acting like an unnecessary worry-wart, it's fantastic. so content. so happy, things are so simple right now. i don't have better words. maybe it's the thoughtless simple state that i am in. 

frustration: when i'm in this state and feeling like this, i have the awesome potential to pursue knew knowledge. i could start reading something new. i can study some new concept. dive deeper into something i already find interest in. i COULD do a lot. the thing is, i don't want to. all i can do is just sit and be relaxed. it should be a good thing, and really, it is. i guess my problem is just that i never really have a longing to learn. i'm not the most studious person in the world, so the fact that i could pursue learning something new and i still don't care enough to do so, it's frustrating.

but you know what's the most frustrating part? being frustrated at all. 

as i said, this is a beautiful feeling. it SHOULD be a beautiful feeling.

as a worrier and a tightly wound human being, i need to take every relaxing moment i can get. my body and brain finally decided to slow down and embrace the delicious melancholy of  the night, and i'm frustrated? well i can fucking get over that bullshit. i need to embrace relaxation and milk it for all i can. yep. enjoy the simple beauty of a simple mind.

let me leave you with this...
1. when your body forces relaxation upon you, never fight it. embrace it and enjoy, because apparently you need it.
2. if you have free time, use it to embrace the world around you.
3. don't be frustrated with your inability to care about learning. be thrilled with your ability to care at all.
4. watch elizabethtown. use your next free day to go to a coffee shop and just sit.

clear your head or it may clear its self.
some people don't allow themselves to really clear their heads. some people don't know how. i usually don't know how. it is as if my mind is locked up, but thankfully, it's been set free. out of jail. out of lock down. i don't know if i made bail or it broke out or what, but i'm free. my mind is clear and goodness, it's amazing.
-k