waiting for the end.

i need to focus on my growth but i also need to find something that i want to do with the rest of my life. i have no career goals. i just want to be a wife and a mommy. that's my career goal. the only goal that fully relies on the existence of another.
of course. 
it's funny.
i have always been taken care of and had to depend on others when it comes to my lively hood. the thing is, when it comes my mental state and my growth, i think i've forced myself to be very self-sufficient. i'm an independent stone.
with that, of course, all i want to do with the rest of my life is take care of others, BUT fully rely on one person to connect to and not have to be a stone towards.
ironic, i believe.

so now. i wait. i endure. i find something to do with my time that i enjoy and that i think would be beneficial for my life. i pray. i hope that something occurs that will bring me joy. i hope that i find the motivation to accomplish other things while i wait and hope for what i truly want. i hope i don't miss it. i'd like to say that i have faith that things will go well. i just hope i live a long enough life to experience the great life i want so badly. yes, i am happy and am having a generally good life. :) i am content. BUT i also know what i want from this life and i just hope i'm able to have it. 

we shall see. mumford and sons understands my will. my heart. my surprising patience.

linkin park understands my confusion.

Waiting for the end 
.-linkin park

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear