out of lock down.

to incarcerate the mind is something i would never want to do, but to free it with no place for it to go....that seems rather unhelpful.

tonight i found myself in a quandary. i  felt this need to pursue knowledge. the thing is, nothing really sparked my interest. i thought it was one of those moments where i was thinking of everything and nothing all at once. but no. it's one of those moments where i have such an open and relaxed mind that nothing catches my attention and nothing is really affecting me. i'm not phased. i'm not worried. i'm calm and thoughtless. well, not thoughtless enough that i can't make this post. 

but it's a beautiful feeling.

i don't tend to feel this way very often. i never have a calm mind. it's usually filled with scenarios, hopes, fears, expectations, worries and unnecessary information. right now, it's as if it's empty. like, i'm shocked i'm not drooling as i stare at a blank wall. that empty.

i feel two things: joy and frustration. 

joy: i have a happy contentment about not over-thinking. i am ALWAYS over-thinking, so to have a day where nothing is really on my mind and i'm not acting like an unnecessary worry-wart, it's fantastic. so content. so happy, things are so simple right now. i don't have better words. maybe it's the thoughtless simple state that i am in. 

frustration: when i'm in this state and feeling like this, i have the awesome potential to pursue knew knowledge. i could start reading something new. i can study some new concept. dive deeper into something i already find interest in. i COULD do a lot. the thing is, i don't want to. all i can do is just sit and be relaxed. it should be a good thing, and really, it is. i guess my problem is just that i never really have a longing to learn. i'm not the most studious person in the world, so the fact that i could pursue learning something new and i still don't care enough to do so, it's frustrating.

but you know what's the most frustrating part? being frustrated at all. 

as i said, this is a beautiful feeling. it SHOULD be a beautiful feeling.

as a worrier and a tightly wound human being, i need to take every relaxing moment i can get. my body and brain finally decided to slow down and embrace the delicious melancholy of  the night, and i'm frustrated? well i can fucking get over that bullshit. i need to embrace relaxation and milk it for all i can. yep. enjoy the simple beauty of a simple mind.

let me leave you with this...
1. when your body forces relaxation upon you, never fight it. embrace it and enjoy, because apparently you need it.
2. if you have free time, use it to embrace the world around you.
3. don't be frustrated with your inability to care about learning. be thrilled with your ability to care at all.
4. watch elizabethtown. use your next free day to go to a coffee shop and just sit.

clear your head or it may clear its self.
some people don't allow themselves to really clear their heads. some people don't know how. i usually don't know how. it is as if my mind is locked up, but thankfully, it's been set free. out of jail. out of lock down. i don't know if i made bail or it broke out or what, but i'm free. my mind is clear and goodness, it's amazing.
-k