scatterbrained reality

so apparently all i am lately is a scatterbrained mess. excited about one part of life. confused about another. upset about another. a mess. probably not as much of a mess as i think, but the biggest mess i've ever felt like i was/am, so it's weird. never felt like more of a mess. it's rough.

i've come to a lot of realizations today, or at least, reminders.
1.  keep trying
2.  never give up on dreams, even if those dreams seem like something only tangible when asleep.
3. keep pursuing what you're good at. if you're pursuing something that you don't have a knack for, maybe it's not what you should be pursuing at all.
4. always focus on your own joy, and of course, others' joy as well, but to a point, you come first.
5. always try to keep a level head. your own sanity and the positive outcomes of your day to day life depend on that.

there's a reason i'm addressing all of these basic motivational statements.
i need to rework my life. my life is great. really. and i'm pretty sure most of my blogs have been about this, but apparently it's been on my mind. it's important.
as i said, my life is great. i have a job. i have great friends. i have a home. i don't have many loans. i have a car. i have a loving family. i have "it all," so why complain? right? complain because what i want in my life and what i have don't really match. they do to an extent, don't get me wrong, but not really.
i have a job that pays the bills. i have great friends that will probably not be in bowling green for the rest of their lives. i have a home that i can only fully call home because it's a roof over my head. my loans will be paid off soon enough, but in life, apparently there are always loans. i have a car that i fear trying to drive. i have a loving family that doesn't really get me and wants me to fit a mold that they made for me.
i do understand the idea that no one is ever satisfied. i believe that idea can be legitimate. who knows, maybe that's the only problem in my life. a never-ending lack of satisfaction. if that is the problem, then fine. i must pursue more. maybe not pursue something else, but something more. it depends on the moment, for sure. this moment, it's a bit of both. i want to pursue something more and something else.
 i need a change.

tonight i had some good well needed talks with a couple friends. both started out with the basic "what's new?" and "how are you?" and lead into deeper, really enlightening conversations. one friend and i realized we were dealing with the exact same frustrations, and therefore felt a connection. we saw the possibility of a deeper friendship occurring and acquired that "i am not alone in my hardship" mentality. we talked about how we both need to rework some things in our lives. how we need to look back on things and see what needs to be fixed. how we both need to try something new or try harder. basically, just keep trying. i mentioned the fact that it's hard to have hope after continual hardship and failure, and she responded, "always a next time tho" :) i'm an optimistic person, and she sounds more optimistic than i am. you wouldn't believe how exciting that is!
so i received her amazing bit of optimism and carried on a conversation with another friend who really made me think. he went right to the point in our conversation. he asked me, "so what would be your ideal situation?" and i realized what it would be. i said, "i think my ideal situation would be getting married, doing something with music whether it's booking bands(kinda like i do with cru but on a way bigger scale) or focusing on one band and being able to be a benefit to them in some way. and then paint and still do little shows and sell art on the side." i realized some things.
i realized how important a family is to me.
pretty sure my biological clock has been "ticking" since i was 20. it's been a rough wait. if i have a reason to wait, that will be my focus for my life. any other career or job i would have would be on the back burner. it wouldn't even come close to being as important as a family. until that possible day comes tho, i need to focus on these new hopes i have.
i realized how much i love booking bands for cru.
i like planning. i like making things happen. i like putting events together. i like putting things into motion. i adore music. i love hearing it come to life. i love seeing people happy. it makes me happy to do this. i can be happy by doing my part to make music known. i wish i could do more.
i realized that i still love making art.
for about a year now, i've questioned my degree. but lately, i'm seeing things happen with my art. nothing too fantastical, just a want for it. i am wanted. i am enjoyed. what i create is wanted and it's magnificent. i feel like my love of creating is not wasted on myself! i want to do art, at least a bit.
i realize that my goal in life is simple: to create and enjoy.
to create a family. to create life. enjoy. to create music(though i personally can't do that, but a girl can dream). to help create knowledge. to enjoy making things happen. to create art. to create beauty. to enjoy every moment i spend making all this happen!

SIDENOTE:
ok. so, my friends are moving to California. two brothers. great guys who really need to just take a big leap of faith for what they love!i bring this up because they have the balls to do what i would love to do, just pick up and leave. do something amazing, or at least pursue something great and hope for the best. i couldn't be more happy for them. their intense will has really taught me a lot about myself as well. they've shown me how easy it can be to pursue a dream.

i'd love to follow in the footsteps of such great and strong friends. to be seemingly fearless and just try no matter the consequences. until i know how to have courage like that and have the opportunity to take a big leap myself, i'm going to work, paint, build my etsy, book bands for cru, promote my friends, grow to be the most amazing me that i can, and try to enjoy the exponentially long 20 mile and hour road that is taking me that next destination. "there's always a next time tho"

people really helped me notice a lot about what i want. for a while, i felt lost and didn't know what i  wanted at all. i am not positive if what i want i right now will last forever when it comes to a career. but no matter what, the basic idea is the same. i will always want to create and enjoy. there is nothing better!
i'm excited for what's to come. i'm terrified, but i'm excited. i must strongly pursue a new, better future for myself. there will be failure, but i WILL manage.
-k