melancholy toe tapping: AEA meetings?

"i am very thankful for the time God gives me to plan and prepare myself," said the girl impatiently waiting for her wedding in June while trying to find the upside of it only being march.

i say this and even though i really just want to be married already, i am honestly so happy with the time i have to grow. i am trying to focus on my personal growth as much as i can before i embark on a new adventure with an amazing man. with that, i would like to tell you about what i would like to call AEA or anxious, engaged anonymous. 
This is something i just thought of, so bare with me. lol.
here's some general information about the group.

• it's not a group. 
• we don't meet. 
• we mainly just sit and stew about all the things that give us anxiety.
• we happen to all be getting married soon
• by we, i mean i

i am a somewhat anxious person, especially if i have many things to dwell on. it seems that as of late, i dwell on almost everything. on top of that, i'm planning a wedding. i am constantly thinking about how i'm going to spend my life with another human being by my side. everything this one human does will affect me, and vice versa. being married is such a crazy amazing responsibility and before pursuing it, i want to make sure i am a mature adult(or as mature as i can be).

now that i have written that lovely disclaimer, i hope you enjoy the next portion...

nice segway. good job.

8 step program for emotional stability before marriage for katie witherell

1. i admit that i can not control time. that is not my job.
2. i accept that i can use this time to better myself for the future and i plan to focus on the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of my life.
3. i trust in god's plan, though some days i definitely don't like it because a long engagement on top of an already long distance relationship is very very difficult.
4. i have made a mental list of all the things/people that cause me to feel any anxiety or animosity, and have considered how to end those feelings and find peace.
5. i am slowly finding that peace by asking forgiveness and letting go of unnecessary grudges,
6. i truly believe that i am ready to pursue a better more mature life and am so overjoyed to continue maturing with a wonderful husband in just a few short months.
7. i am constantly asking for strength and serenity.
8. i will never stop trying to cut out the toxicity in my life and prevent any anxiety i can.

so, there you have it. the very spiritually centered steps to a better more prepared and calm katie.

i feel like they are kind of cryptic, but they definitely get the job done. i feel like i am already pursuing all of these steps at one time. but i tend to enjoy multi-tasking. lol

ps: i hope no-one takes offense that used the idea of a 12 step program as my template. i find it quite beneficial to personal and spiritual growth. 

thanks for reading.

<3 k/r

melancholy toe-tapping: migratory fears

music.
sometimes music really gets to me. mind you, i was pms-ing at the time, but still. the other night, i decided to play an old cd from college while driving home from work. the music is beautiful and melancholy, and really perfect when you need a good cry. once one song came on, i discovered, apparently i needed that good cry.
the entire 25 minute left of my drive was spent bawling my eyes out and listening to the song on repeat.

the song is called "long coat on" by the Cincinnati(i think)-based duo, Ellery.
as i said, it's beautiful. take a listen.

https://vimeo.com/11684112

 

now all of their music is potentially tear-worthy, but this one really hit home as of late.

as i've stated in past posts, i'm getting married and  probably moving to Canada. SUPER EXCITING!!! BUUUUT...

did i mention i've barely ever left ohio...and have only lived in one house(minus college) my whole life? and that i'm an only child with a very large extended family? and that i'm very close to both of my parents?

here are some lyrics do gie you a little idea of where i'm at(it's kind of ridiculous):

"it was a long winter for katie...one day katie'd finally go..."

"...she was waving her hat in her hand when she said goodbye..."

"mama stood there gawking by the doorway, she'd never guess she'd finally go..."

NOW, that's only a small portion of the water-work educing lyrics. the rest had to do with her really wanting to get out of where she was, finally experiencing the world, and leaving everyone behind.

 so yeah, it gets worse.

 every. single. line. of this song affected me. most of it felt like it was speaking to me, saying exactly how i've been feeling only because i want to move on with my life and be married and be with my favorite person every day for the rest of my life. the rest of it just brought all my fears to  my attention at the same time.

 

my fears post wedding: 

1. living in a new place(especially new country with a slight to complete language barrier)
2. not being able to find a job, especially with a language barrier getting in the way, and because of that, be an intense burden on my husband causing him to pull all the weight in the income department
3. being so far away from most friends and loved ones and not being able to make many new friends
4. making people feel like i'm abandoning them
5. feeling alone(i will have josh, which is such an intense blessing, but with his work schedule, it might be more lonely than lovely)
6. missing my parents
7. not being able to contribute and feeling quite worthless
8. feeling stupid for not understanding those around me like at least %60 of the time

so there's that.
lately, josh and i haven been talking about future travels and plans and every time we've talked, i've just gotten sad and scared and couldn't voice exactly why. this song played, and everything came to light. we talked things out through my tears and let me just say, no matter how terrified i am of the future, i couldn't be more excited for it! life is going to be scary. new things will happen and a lot will change, but i need to keep reminding myself that it is an adventure and i should trust in god and try not to be fearful when i have such a wonderful life ahead of me.

 

thanks for reading.

love, k/r

melancholy toe-tapping: a new year for a white wedding!

Sooooooooo, i'm pretty stoked. 

It is officially less than six months before my wedding!

 

Can you tell I'm excited??!?!

Christmas came and went. It was stressful, but glorious, and taking my fiance' back to the airport was much less depressing than normal. This time around, we said our farewell without tear and with lots of giddy smiles because we new the next time he'd be leaving on a plane, I'd be with him. It's such a joy and a treasure to have him in my life and to be able to spend these next few months excitedly getting all the details together for the rest of my life with the best human! 

Now that it's the new year and the wedding is up and coming, I've been thinking of those good ole' resolutions and questioning if I've changed and how I've grown in the last year. The answer to that is, YES, I've changed and grown so much in the last year and have learned a lot more about myself that I'd like to share.
So.
I don't have resolutions, per-say. Mainly, this year is going to be about marriage, communication, connectivity, and self-awareness. That sounds like a lot of things, but it's a lot of things that i think a newlywed who's moving away from all of her friends and family should be focusing on hardcore.

 

 Being self-aware is something that I'm focusing on the most right now, as I feel like it effects everything else.

 (I know i talk about understanding who I am at least yearly on here, but it's a never-ending thing, so expect more, in time.)
I've discovered something about myself.
Since I got to that point in life where I really focused on what people thought of me (I don't think we should care what others think too much, but it happens and it's hard not to), I've compared myself to a lot of people and molded to better-fit the people I was around. I even competed the minute I felt competed with. I never really noticed til after. I wasn't self-aware enough to see how I was acting or what I was doing. It was something that I'd do and then a few weeks or months later I'd think about it and realize how I had acted in the past. It wasn't til lately that I noticed I've never truly been myself 100% of the time because I was trying to be like someone else or compete with someone else. It has come to my attention SO HARD in these last two years because I am loved by someone who loves the real me, and not some pretend person I have been at times. It is such a blessing because I've never felt more like myself. Josh really helps me notice that person that I want to be constantly and not just sometimes or around certain people.

No matter what, if you are adaptable, the people you are around most often do tend to rub off on you at least a little. I know with every passing day I become more and more like my future husband and many others, but especially with marriage and moving, I must really learn to remember who I am despite everything else, and surround myself with beautiful people who only make me stronger.

 

I guess I do have a specific new years resolution after all.

I want to make sure I'm always my whole self especially during this time of drastic change and growth and hopeful maturing with the man of my dreams.

 

It shall be a year of great change.
A year of truly understanding myself as I'm finally truly on my own.
There's no one for me to compare myself to.
No one to feel guilty for not being like.
Just me, and my husband, of course.
2016 shall be insanely glorious and terrifying.
I can't wait for the adventure that's in store!

thanks, k/r