faith, hope, and LOVE.

no matter what i will ever believe, not believe, or continue believing. how ever devout or not devout i may be, i do know one thing: there is always faith, hope, and love on my side.
i have fear, but then i step back and realize certain people have so much more fear than me. i am hopeful for my life and i'm excited for the love i will receive and will continue to give. i have faith in others and i trust that the faith and hope i have will lead to a great life. this great life will have its hardships and difficulties, but that IS life.

the greatest of these is love. love conquers all. 
i love my parents. i love my family. i love my friends. i even love my acquaintances and strangers, at least to a point. i have intensely deep love for my closest family members and my closest friends. i DO believe that love can conquer all. i believe that no matter what happens in life and within relationships, if there is enough love between people, their relationship can withstand everything.
that is love. love, in general.

i need to do this. well, sort of. apparently i love others SO much that i forget to love myself. kind of. at least, according to others. but they don't feel what i feel. it's complicated. i get so much joy from loving others, that to give everything i can to the rest of the world is to give myself so much love as well. i love loving and therefore give myself love, in return. the flaw in it is that to love whole-heartedly is insanely draining. when it comes to physically taking care of myself, i am flawed. i am broken. i don't show myself love. i drain myself til i'm dry. that is what i've been doing. i've been draining myself of love. believe me, i'm working on it as we speak. as i type. now. constantly. right now.
the thing that i need to work on is the "worry less" aspect. it's a process. when you have so much love, it's hard not to worry. to a point they go hand in hand.

here's the thing about love. we all do it. unless of course we are incapable. sociopaths. we all love. we just don't fully know how. we are all flawed and we all love in different ways. love is complicated. BUT no matter how different it is for everyone, i believe as long as we try, we grow in love. our ability to love can develop over time. and i'm so excited for it to develop. like WOAH.

i think there are 3 main kinds of love. there's the love that we as people instinctively have for others if we show any type of care for other human beings. there's the deeper love that we have for those close to us. it is the reason that we have "loved ones." and then we have......drum role please......romantic love. this is the love that i don't really believe i know anything about. well, i know about it. i could probably write about it for days, really. i believe in its existence. i THINK i know what to expect when and if it happens. and i know what i want from it....i think. but i don't know if i have ever felt it, or if i will. this is where hope creeps back into play. i have hope that i will understand romantic love and that i will get to experience it. i have hope that i will not confuse it for infatuation. there is hope. i have faith that i will receive love always. BUT i have hope that of all the love i receive, there will be romantic love as well.

faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love. don'tcha know.
 -k

pocketbook agenda.

right now, all i want to do is shop. it's possible that it's a coping mechanism, but it also has to do with the excitement for change.

i'm so excited to be new. to feel reborn in some way. to start over. i plan to go shopping on friday, but i'm just so excited, that i can't wait. i'd say it's pretty perfect timing. wanting to feel reborn and focus on your life when someone near has passed. i have a funeral for relative this weekend. it has made me weirdly excited. i'm not excited for the funeral, at all. i'm excited for my own life. excited to focus on my growth and my will to live. excited to dive into a closer relationship no matter how difficult it shall be. life is difficult. as of tonight, i'm over fearing the difficulty.
i say that, and yet in a couple days i will probably admit that i am scared of what's to come, as usual. but i guess that's healthy, to admit your fear. it's new to me. admitting fear.

i'm usually a stone. as of late, i've had to deal with the fact that i am a stone. the fact that i have a wall built but it needs to be broken down.

i'm working on it. hence my willingness to deal with difficulty.

because of this, i'm intensely scatterbrained. can't even really put a cohesive blog together. haven't been able to for a few days. and yet, i needed, wanted to share. i'm scatterbrained. i want to shop. i'm ready to deal with difficulties. when i say i'm ready, i'm willing, but maybe not prepared. diving in anyway.

i don't really have words of wisdom, but pinterest always does. here are some words that best describe what's going on in the life and mind of katie. XD
-k

brand new katie

here's what's up. i've felt like i've been going nuts as of late. since may of last year, i have felt anxious and uncertain and not as continuously happy as i have in the past. this anxiety has been its worst in the past month or two. it made me realize so much about myself, and now, i'm working on revamping who i am for my own joy. i know i can't completely change who i am. i wouldn't want to. what i want to do is figure out how to cope with the problems that i face, and be strong despite them. i want to be less anxious and i want to be comfortable with who i am and what i am doing. there are many ways that i am working to try to make this happen. one way in particular is focusing on the physical.
my physical style as of right now is all over the place. rambunctious. tightly wound. obviously anxious.
my hair is short and bleached beyond reason.
all of my clothes are mostly bright colors or black.

these two things, i've noticed, are things are don't really want to be a part of me anymore. to constantly bleach my hair and keep it a very specific cut and shape is to be constantly focused on self. i need to keep up with it and keep to a very specific schedule. if i don't, i look unkempt. i get very anal about not looking "unkempt". at least, lately. my daily ensembles are usually carefully thought out and "matchy-matchy". the colors and patterns are so bold. stark. somewhat obnoxious. i look at myself and i feel too put together. that may sound odd. but i feel like i don't look relaxed and therefore don't look happy. therefore, i am unhappy with my look and it is in need of a change.
i want my hair back. i want it to lay flowy and somewhat natural but still be uniquely me. i want my clothing to be more peaceful with more of a pop of bold happy colors. i want to be more simple. more relaxed, and therefore, more happy.

i focus on my style and my appearance because of my joy(for the most part). it is what makes me me and what makes me happy despite a sad time. now that i know how i can give aid to my anxious heart and mind, i can work on it. i can gain comfort and joy. i can relax. i can relax a bit more because of one of my favorite things: fashion.
it's just something that i wanted to share. joy through fashion can be awesome.
-k

hey scott....been awhile.

you know when you have one of those moments when you realize something about yourself that you already knew. the thing that you're truly realizing is that nothing's changed. you are still the same person that you were a few years ago, just older and you hope, wiser, but at this moment you are questioning how wise you actually have become.
no matter how many friends you have and no matter how many people you love on, you still have trouble letting people loving on you. you still can't let people in with out freaking out and assuming something is incorrect in your life, and all you want to do is retreat. walls are up. walls are ALWAYS up.

i have had walls up around my heart probably since my junior year of high school. they've been building since then, at least. that was the year i really started to notice that i was a pushover. i realized i was mistreated and i finally did something about it. losing a "friend" and gaining anger. anger at those around me who used me. anger at God. anger at those who never stopped me from being used. anger at others for not protecting me from others and myself. that's bullshit. the bullshit that i am addressing is expecting someone to pick up your pieces. to expect to always be protected. the thing is, i was raised to always expect to be protected in some way. even thought, that's what i was taught, i didn't feel protected. so i started to protect myself. after noticing all this anger built up inside of me, i thought i was becoming stronger, but really, i just started to build my wall. it became my attempt to protect myself.
so much has happened since then, that it has lead me to build more of a wall. the thing is, i've had a few experiences in my life that have had a lot of similarities to one another. i find myself in a relationship with a guy where i hope for more than friendship but since i know nothing more will happen, i assume i can handle being close to them and i assume that i can get over my feelingd and just focus on theirs. i've built such a wall.
not many have really been allowed to see behind it.
behind it is so much sadness and hope and wanting. i am really bad at patience. i am impatiently waiting the only thing i really have hope for in my future. i am constantly trying to hide the sad hope. and i'm probably not doing a very good job at it. i don't want anyone to see my sadness, just my joy. no needs to see my pain.

that's at least how i felt. i still feel it to a point, but i'm trying to work through and overcome that belief. the belief that no one need know of my heartache because everyone else has troubles too. the wall exists because i've dealt with a lot of relational heartache and i have added to a lot of it myself. the wall must be torn down some before i can even build stronger relationships. i need to let people in. i've been trying to protect my heart from the world, but i need to finally be in the world and not hide behind my wall. i need to finally be a bit more vulnerable and not protect myself from the world. if anything, i need to protect myself from myself to a point, and actually think about my heart before a unintentionally cause myself pain, as usual.

here we go. time for some wall breaking. now i just need to figure out how to break it down.
-k

easier said than done.

i'm dealing with 2 main struggles as of late. one has to do with trying to be myself while still appeasing my parents, and the other has to do with focusing on friendship and the day at hand instead of relationship and the future that i don't even see yet. would really like to make some dilemmanade right about meow.

it's really difficult to be who you want to be, when you know the people that love you and helped make you into what you are don't approve. i have tattoos. i dye my hair. i have a nose ring. these surface-focused things that relate to my style are part of what makes up who i am. these things cause so much unnecessary frustrations and seeming heartache for my parents. it's a definite struggle. we get along so well and are really close and they are great and they believe they've raised a great kid, and yet they find so much flaw in my choices and my appearance. how does someone cope with that? i have no idea. i feel blogs are usually meant to share thoughts and epiphanies and anything that can probably give incite to others who may relate. but i have nothing. i am at a loss. the only idea i have is to just tell'm to fuck off, but of course i don't truly want to do that. being so great in every other way, they don't deserve that, but at the same time there are moments where you just feel it's deserved. hopefully i can figure out some way to work this out and make things at least civil. no matter what, i needed to vent. i guess it's good that i at least got to unleash some confusion on the interwebs.

second dilemma. now this one, i have a partial solution for that may not even be a good one, but i think it's still helpful. so i do this thing. i've always done it. i fall for someone, hope for something, know nothing will probably happen, but become closer friends with them because i know friendship is still the most important thing, BUT because my hope takes forever to die, i break my little heart.
it's a rough experience.
and i feel like it's self-inflicted pain.
i'm hoping to learn from it and change and stop this pattern, this cycle.
i have hope to move on from my hoping and focus on the loving friendship rather than the possibly unrealistic romantic relationship that i continuously want to consider.
it's hard not to constantly consider and hope for romance and love and a future when you a 23 year old single girl with little romantic experience and only the plans to be a loving wife and mother. BUT no matter my hope and expectation, i think as of right now, i must focus on my life from day to day. i shouldn't think about the big picture. i personally, get in over my head and just wish i was in that perfect future i already have planned for  myself. its dumb to plan the future that doesn't exist yet. it's not intentional, believe me. i think it's just in how i was made. it's what i do. plan.
i need to fight the norm that is myself. i need to something completely out of my comfort zone and just take a leap. the leap that i am taking is big to me but seems small to some people. i just have to focus on the now and make it great. easier said than done.
-k

color theory: the expantion package.

i wrote this a while ago on facebook. i felt it really related to my transitioning style and feeling at this time. i felt it fit the thoughts in my head so here's a nice little bit of the past katie. let's compare the old to the new, shall we?
...
change.
we all change over time. we grow: we grow apart and we grow old.

everything about me is changing.
my style is changing. it is constant.

with a style constantly expanding how do you really discover what your style truly is?
it's easy. your style is what you want to wear. what you would go out in public in feeling rather insanely comfortable with who you are and how you feel(tho it's not a constant). it's not color. i once thought it was. primaries and neutrals. i am primary. i am neutral. that's who i am, right? of course not. stop assuming such things and embrace the rainbow, except for purple, i still don't really like wearing purple. my style isn't just primaries and neutrals. it's whatever i want it to be and for some reason i thought i MUST want primary and neutral. no. what i want is light. something that vibrates. airy beauty that is sweet and edgy all at once. sex appeal that is actually focused on class. color is irrelevant unless it's about working with your skin/hair/eyes. its not about what colors are most "you" and a color scheme that your wardrobe should reflect. that's bullshit. it can. it's allowed to have a scheme or whatever, but believing that it should means you are catering to to the idea of fitting into a box, and what's that about? that's about possibly not being able to express who you truly are. possibly not being free. i've questioned my freedom because of something as trivial as color scheme. i've assumed i had to fit into this box that my family, friends, and peers have all placed me in because i started to place myself in it as well. i was ignoring my growth. ignoring my expansion and my change. so here's my theory: color...doesn't really matter. it's great, but is not something that leads. it is not something that matters more than something else. color is color and we are not. we are not primaries and neutrals.

this is about who we are. we can't put ourselves into boxes. we may almost fit. we may try to fit. but we don't. the more we try to squeeze or morph into something specific, the less specifically us we are. i tried so hard to be so specifically me, but the more i tried, the less happier i became with myself. i already am me. what in the world am i trying to prove? and why am i trying to prove it with color? color's not important.
 ...
woah. rereading that old note, i freaked myself out. mindfuck.
honestly, this is so relevant to how i have felt lately. constantly trying to put myself into boxes that don't even need to exist. i try to label myself as something or someone to be liked. i don't notice that i'm doing it until after the fact, and then i feel the need to prove to those that i was trying to impress with fakeness that i'm actually different than i've been saying. i am me and what you've seen is not me. the me you saw was the me that, for some reason, begged for your love when i already had it to begin with. that's what i've been doing. pining for affection and reaching out for it when i already had it anyway. that causes such messes. it ruins things. it addresses that idea of "i am my own worst enemy." as if i accidentally and subconsciously make things more difficult than they needed to be. yeah, i need to just remember who i am again and not fall back into this crazy-stupid fake version of myself. i surely pray and hope that i can succeed pretty regularly. there's definitely set backs. it happens. i just hope it will happen less and i can be stronger and always remember to just be myself.

crazy thing is, i was going to talk about clothes, style and color.
tangents are necessary. they let the brain learn how to navigate and learn.
creative minds.

so. yes. clothes. color. style. fashion. 
i know that my style is always changing, but it is basically only with color that it changes. it constantly evolves to the katie that i want to be. that "edgy pretty adult." almost as if i look like i could kick your ass while petting a cute little kitten and helping the poor....all at once. ha yeah. THAT is exactly what i feel and EXACTLY what i want. so as of late, i felt the need to go through a bit of overhaul on my wardrobe and style. i got a new tattoo. that's a nice little addition. i haven't changed my hair but i'm definitely itching to do so. i'm removing the more "cutesy" items that make me feel like a cupcake. if i feel like a cupcake because of the shape, i don't also want it to be a cutesy and maybe even childish floral pattern. that's just too much. if i'm going to look like a cupcake i will look like a cupcake with guns. yes, guns. ha. so i've done that. and now, i'm realizing the color palette of choice as of late. i still LOVE my primary colors, but i'm noticing more of a love of certain ones more than others and then a love of MORE neutrals and even some little hints of earth tone. it's crazy. and i'm so excited because for some reason, i feel like i'm growing and maturing just because of my choices. now i just wish i had time to sew more clothing that better represented me at this moment or some extra money to play with at forever 21 and h&m and maybe even express, if i'm lucky.
and there you have it.
my more superficial thoughts that still address a deep point about understanding one's self.
-k

want

i used to not feel that i needed a man. i felt that i would be fine without one. that feeling didn't last very long. i know i want that in my future. i know i want that in my near future. it's kind of been crazy on my mind lately. i need to do something about that. focus on me, god, my life, my friends. lol anything.
just need to continue refocus my heart for the thousandth time. ha we shall see how that goes.
-k

writer's block.

i wanted to write. but thought i had nothing to write about. so i complained a little to my peers. i was reminded of certain things: 1. that inspiration can come to you at any time and 2. feel grace. allow yourself grace. know that you are given grace. these two things don't really seem like they mesh. and yeah, they came from two different people at two different points of time. correct, they don't mesh. but both thoughts were important to me so i figured i'd spew a little word vomit your way.

and of course, i think of more things to write about for the future!

i'm realizing something. i need to stop scrolling through pinterest before i go to sleep. or at least, also wake up and scroll some more. when i only pin before i go to sleep, that inspiration just builds and then possibly dies by morning. it's poor planning, really. so that should also become a morning routine. it'll be good for the soul! i've never felt so inspired to accomplish and to create and to better myself til i created a pinterest. i could have no motivation to do anything but sit and veg all day, but as long as i veg by pinning 5 to 1000 things, i have at least gained motivation for the following day! it's so gratifying.
since i graduated back in may, my motivation has been a bit  less than consistent. in fact, i believe i can count the number of times i've painted on one hand. since i created a pinterest, i not only want to paint, but i also want to knit more, read, sew, work on my clothing style, decorate, bake, etc. sadly, i still don't have enough time in the day to do as much as i'd like. i definitely don't have enough energy. anemia and chronic fatigue are kind of a bitch.  but, i'm more motivated than i have ever been! if i use my time wisely, i hope to have a brand new body of work created and an etsy account made within the next month or so. i HAVE been talking a lot of talk with etsy. saying i want to create one for at least a year now, but right now i'm trying to actually create a good amount of merch and actually make sure they are original, unique and loveable. it's a process. but i'm actually working through the process right now. i'm actually accomplishing things! it's so exciting! i have GOALS! i don't remember the last time i actually had legitimate goals!! ahhhhhhhhhh it feels so good!!

ok, there's one little spec of though on inspiration. maybe i'll be inspired to write more on the subject some time on the future. but now, to grace.

Grace.
(n) Simple elegance or refinement of movement.
(v) Do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence
synonyms: favour, favor, charm, elegance, mercy, gracefulness, adorn, decorate, ornament, embellish

when it comes to the christian idea of grace, it's a little different. defined by wikipedia(and i actually really like this), grace has been defined as, "the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it." it is the constant love given by God no matter what we may do.
 these different ideas of grace are all so important. only good can come from it, for you and for those around you, so really, the only logical thing to do is to live by grace. live by grace in EVERY aspect.

1. be as elegant and graceful as you can. be fluid. it will make you seem calm, beautiful and timeless, and then you will be calm, beautiful, and timeless.
2. be honored by the existence of others even if they may not always "deserve" your honor. and grace people with your presence, as the saying goes. of course, you can only do this truly if you act on grace. be lovely, be peaceful, be precious, be kind. be honorable.
3. follow God's example. even if you are not a believe, the idea of grace in the christian teachings is all about understanding and second chances and never giving up on loving people. to give grace to others is so difficult, but try it anyway. always show compassion and mercy(tho keep your guard up at times. sadly, you will need to). and remember that you can always be given grace. you are always loved. no matter what we deserve, there is love. there is grace.

when a friend of mine reminded me of grace, she mentioned one last thing.
"it has set me free. and that feels so wonderful!" to live by grace, i believe, is to live at peace with ones self. to feel set free.

so, there you have it. entry 2. to sum it up: start a pinterest and live by grace.

i think i'm going to end each entry with some nice little pinned words of wisdom. thought it'd be nice!
-k

beginner's luck

first blog ever.

so i figured i'd explain and lead into my first thoughts.

new years. they seem unnecessary when it comes to their importance. arbitrary. but it's about a milestone. something to mark a certain moment. something to allow you to start over in some aspect. to recuperate and feel refreshed and ready for that technical "new year" that appears. so as arbitrary as it may seem, i like the milestone of a new year! :D it can be beautiful and eye opening.

january 2013 and i'm feeling everything. i've discovered something about myself. my brain doesn't slow down. i am constantly considering ways to better myself and revamp my life. constantly trying to figure out how to be "me." i KNOW that we as human beings, as living, breathing, thinking individuals that are forever changing and forever the same all at once. i'm constantly trying to understand how to be human and how to truly be me. how to be smart. how to be a woman. how to be a christian. how to be an adult. how to be mature. there's a lot of how-tos in my mind, in case that was unnoticed. we all need to figure out life and just keep on trucking, but you know, it's fucking hard. and i don't like it. it's tough and i'm frustrated by constant uncertainty. as of late, i'm wishing there was a rule book for life. some would give there personal examples of a "rule book" but there's not one that really fits me. i don't believe one exists. i think that's why i wanted to write this blog. it's my own personal rule book for life based on the minimal experiences but the thousands of observations of katie rose. figured if i ever gain wisdom from anything, i might as well spread the knowledge i've gained or at least that i think i've gained over the years. i do believe everyone's different but we are all similar. as a friend of mine points out regularly, "we are all snowflakes."

soo though there are many thoughts and many uncertainties and many "tests" that i feel i need to pass to continue growing as a woman(at least the way i'd like), i have one to consider to start the new year off with: romance. oye.

starting this new year i was pursued by and pursued a seemingly great guy. i still believe he's pretty great. he's just kind of a bigger mess than i am, so that's rough. but we were together and then we weren't. most of the reason behind this related to him and his past, but the rest related to me. he and i both noticed something about my personality over the last month that we mutually found well, ugly. over the time of his pursuit i gradually became scared and nervous. i wasn't that normal "nervous" and it wasn't butterfly related. butterflies were there, yes, but that's not all.

a bit of back story: i've never really had a boyfriend. i've technically dated one person. i've hung out with and dated a few guys in the sense of  ONE date or so, but nothing substantial. the only guy i was ever in a relationship with was more of a relationshit, you could call it. we were together once for a while my freshman year of college and then tried it again my junior year. together or not, i was treated like shit. i became a band-aid for his problems. a substitute for what he really wanted, apparently. it was emotionally abusive and draining. i wasn't courted and i wasn't love. to add to that struggle, over the years in between the time of being with him and after the fact, the only other guys i've liked have either not felt the same or accidentally treated me like a substitute as well. i was never courted. never romantically pursued, and i allowed it. this new guy. this new friend. he was different.  yes, he had his hardships and has his struggles, but despite that, he pursued me. it scared me. i became a terrified little girl the instant i met him. i thought there was this certain set of rules i needed to follow when it came to building a romantic relationship and possibly even becoming a girlfriend. i thought that if i did something wrong, i'd lose the one prospect i seemed to have. that sounds crazy stupid but i panicked. i tried to do everything "right." so what did i do? i became clingy and annoying. so much so that i became aware of it and even asked him straight out "am i clingy?" and really, if i wasn't being clingy, now i just seemed like i had little to no confidence. this is not a norm for me. being blunt and straight enough to ask something, that is definitely a norm. but being low in confidence and being needy, hell no. i'm pretty confident. i definitely attempt humility and may not always succeed, but i try. and needy...no. i'm actually terrible at keeping up with friends and loved ones. so much so that i could probably move to another country for a year, not talk to anyone, come back and ask "hey, how've you been?" as if no time has passed. i may be exaggerating and yeah, that may be a problem. but you get me. i'll address that in another entry. this one is about romance.

ok, so back on track.
i became someone who wasn't myself because of a legitimate pursuit and that scared him off. since the initial "scaring" i have been so sad that he may never see the regular and true me and that all he saw was a lie. thankfully, our friendship is being found again, so i hope and pray all shall be well. BUT here's what i've realized and what i'm still trying to figure out:
what i've realized
-everyone is different, so there's really a different book for everyone to follow, and i believe that we personally write each book for ourselves.
-the book that i assumed already existed doesn't. if i'm wrong and it actually does exist, then it doesn't really matter to me, because everyone is different. it shouldn't affect me because i can live my adult life and can grow as woman how ever i choose.
-i've become rather anxious and uncertain and i lost myself for a little while. until i regain my footing, i don't even need to consider pursuit.
what i'm still trying to figure out:
-how to maintain composure and stay balanced in a romantic relationship setting, despite the fact that i haven't had much experience in said setting.
-me
-men
-me and men.

that's all i've got. i'll leave you with this: i have no idea how to go about relationships. i do have a general idea and i DO have certain expectations and hopes relating to kindness and love and courtship. if those are not met, then i'm not treated well, BUT the certain expectations that i had relating to a step-by-step guide to romance, those expectations, they should be thrown out the window. those expectations you may have are created based on a "normal" or "perfect" idea of people and relationships. i am not normal and no one is perfect. i forgot that about a month ago and i don't think i remembered until a couple of days ago. it's great to use past experiences to help yourself grow with new ones, but if you are anything like me, don't use those past experiences as some type of crutch.
i don't know. there will always be more thoughts spilling form my mind on this subject, but that's all i've got as of late. thanks for listening :)
-k

so much admiration for this woman!