beginner's luck

first blog ever.

so i figured i'd explain and lead into my first thoughts.

new years. they seem unnecessary when it comes to their importance. arbitrary. but it's about a milestone. something to mark a certain moment. something to allow you to start over in some aspect. to recuperate and feel refreshed and ready for that technical "new year" that appears. so as arbitrary as it may seem, i like the milestone of a new year! :D it can be beautiful and eye opening.

january 2013 and i'm feeling everything. i've discovered something about myself. my brain doesn't slow down. i am constantly considering ways to better myself and revamp my life. constantly trying to figure out how to be "me." i KNOW that we as human beings, as living, breathing, thinking individuals that are forever changing and forever the same all at once. i'm constantly trying to understand how to be human and how to truly be me. how to be smart. how to be a woman. how to be a christian. how to be an adult. how to be mature. there's a lot of how-tos in my mind, in case that was unnoticed. we all need to figure out life and just keep on trucking, but you know, it's fucking hard. and i don't like it. it's tough and i'm frustrated by constant uncertainty. as of late, i'm wishing there was a rule book for life. some would give there personal examples of a "rule book" but there's not one that really fits me. i don't believe one exists. i think that's why i wanted to write this blog. it's my own personal rule book for life based on the minimal experiences but the thousands of observations of katie rose. figured if i ever gain wisdom from anything, i might as well spread the knowledge i've gained or at least that i think i've gained over the years. i do believe everyone's different but we are all similar. as a friend of mine points out regularly, "we are all snowflakes."

soo though there are many thoughts and many uncertainties and many "tests" that i feel i need to pass to continue growing as a woman(at least the way i'd like), i have one to consider to start the new year off with: romance. oye.

starting this new year i was pursued by and pursued a seemingly great guy. i still believe he's pretty great. he's just kind of a bigger mess than i am, so that's rough. but we were together and then we weren't. most of the reason behind this related to him and his past, but the rest related to me. he and i both noticed something about my personality over the last month that we mutually found well, ugly. over the time of his pursuit i gradually became scared and nervous. i wasn't that normal "nervous" and it wasn't butterfly related. butterflies were there, yes, but that's not all.

a bit of back story: i've never really had a boyfriend. i've technically dated one person. i've hung out with and dated a few guys in the sense of  ONE date or so, but nothing substantial. the only guy i was ever in a relationship with was more of a relationshit, you could call it. we were together once for a while my freshman year of college and then tried it again my junior year. together or not, i was treated like shit. i became a band-aid for his problems. a substitute for what he really wanted, apparently. it was emotionally abusive and draining. i wasn't courted and i wasn't love. to add to that struggle, over the years in between the time of being with him and after the fact, the only other guys i've liked have either not felt the same or accidentally treated me like a substitute as well. i was never courted. never romantically pursued, and i allowed it. this new guy. this new friend. he was different.  yes, he had his hardships and has his struggles, but despite that, he pursued me. it scared me. i became a terrified little girl the instant i met him. i thought there was this certain set of rules i needed to follow when it came to building a romantic relationship and possibly even becoming a girlfriend. i thought that if i did something wrong, i'd lose the one prospect i seemed to have. that sounds crazy stupid but i panicked. i tried to do everything "right." so what did i do? i became clingy and annoying. so much so that i became aware of it and even asked him straight out "am i clingy?" and really, if i wasn't being clingy, now i just seemed like i had little to no confidence. this is not a norm for me. being blunt and straight enough to ask something, that is definitely a norm. but being low in confidence and being needy, hell no. i'm pretty confident. i definitely attempt humility and may not always succeed, but i try. and needy...no. i'm actually terrible at keeping up with friends and loved ones. so much so that i could probably move to another country for a year, not talk to anyone, come back and ask "hey, how've you been?" as if no time has passed. i may be exaggerating and yeah, that may be a problem. but you get me. i'll address that in another entry. this one is about romance.

ok, so back on track.
i became someone who wasn't myself because of a legitimate pursuit and that scared him off. since the initial "scaring" i have been so sad that he may never see the regular and true me and that all he saw was a lie. thankfully, our friendship is being found again, so i hope and pray all shall be well. BUT here's what i've realized and what i'm still trying to figure out:
what i've realized
-everyone is different, so there's really a different book for everyone to follow, and i believe that we personally write each book for ourselves.
-the book that i assumed already existed doesn't. if i'm wrong and it actually does exist, then it doesn't really matter to me, because everyone is different. it shouldn't affect me because i can live my adult life and can grow as woman how ever i choose.
-i've become rather anxious and uncertain and i lost myself for a little while. until i regain my footing, i don't even need to consider pursuit.
what i'm still trying to figure out:
-how to maintain composure and stay balanced in a romantic relationship setting, despite the fact that i haven't had much experience in said setting.
-me
-men
-me and men.

that's all i've got. i'll leave you with this: i have no idea how to go about relationships. i do have a general idea and i DO have certain expectations and hopes relating to kindness and love and courtship. if those are not met, then i'm not treated well, BUT the certain expectations that i had relating to a step-by-step guide to romance, those expectations, they should be thrown out the window. those expectations you may have are created based on a "normal" or "perfect" idea of people and relationships. i am not normal and no one is perfect. i forgot that about a month ago and i don't think i remembered until a couple of days ago. it's great to use past experiences to help yourself grow with new ones, but if you are anything like me, don't use those past experiences as some type of crutch.
i don't know. there will always be more thoughts spilling form my mind on this subject, but that's all i've got as of late. thanks for listening :)
-k