i wrote this a while ago on facebook. i felt it really related to my transitioning style and feeling at this time. i felt it fit the thoughts in my head so here's a nice little bit of the past katie. let's compare the old to the new, shall we?
...
change.
we all change over time. we grow: we grow apart and we grow old.
everything about me is changing.
my style is changing. it is constant.
with a style constantly expanding how do you really discover what your style truly is?
it's easy. your style is what you want to wear. what you would go out in public in feeling rather insanely comfortable with who you are and how you feel(tho it's not a constant). it's not color. i once thought it was. primaries and neutrals. i am primary. i am neutral. that's who i am, right? of course not. stop assuming such things and embrace the rainbow, except for purple, i still don't really like wearing purple. my style isn't just primaries and neutrals. it's whatever i want it to be and for some reason i thought i MUST want primary and neutral. no. what i want is light. something that vibrates. airy beauty that is sweet and edgy all at once. sex appeal that is actually focused on class. color is irrelevant unless it's about working with your skin/hair/eyes. its not about what colors are most "you" and a color scheme that your wardrobe should reflect. that's bullshit. it can. it's allowed to have a scheme or whatever, but believing that it should means you are catering to to the idea of fitting into a box, and what's that about? that's about possibly not being able to express who you truly are. possibly not being free. i've questioned my freedom because of something as trivial as color scheme. i've assumed i had to fit into this box that my family, friends, and peers have all placed me in because i started to place myself in it as well. i was ignoring my growth. ignoring my expansion and my change. so here's my theory: color...doesn't really matter. it's great, but is not something that leads. it is not something that matters more than something else. color is color and we are not. we are not primaries and neutrals.
this is about who we are. we can't put ourselves into boxes. we may almost fit. we may try to fit. but we don't. the more we try to squeeze or morph into something specific, the less specifically us we are. i tried so hard to be so specifically me, but the more i tried, the less happier i became with myself. i already am me. what in the world am i trying to prove? and why am i trying to prove it with color? color's not important.
...
woah. rereading that old note, i freaked myself out. mindfuck.
honestly, this is so relevant to how i have felt lately. constantly trying to put myself into boxes that don't even need to exist. i try to label myself as something or someone to be liked. i don't notice that i'm doing it until after the fact, and then i feel the need to prove to those that i was trying to impress with fakeness that i'm actually different than i've been saying. i am me and what you've seen is not me. the me you saw was the me that, for some reason, begged for your love when i already had it to begin with. that's what i've been doing. pining for affection and reaching out for it when i already had it anyway. that causes such messes. it ruins things. it addresses that idea of "i am my own worst enemy." as if i accidentally and subconsciously make things more difficult than they needed to be. yeah, i need to just remember who i am again and not fall back into this crazy-stupid fake version of myself. i surely pray and hope that i can succeed pretty regularly. there's definitely set backs. it happens. i just hope it will happen less and i can be stronger and always remember to just be myself.
crazy thing is, i was going to talk about clothes, style and color.
tangents are necessary. they let the brain learn how to navigate and learn.
creative minds.
so. yes. clothes. color. style. fashion.
i know that my style is always changing, but it is basically only with color that it changes. it constantly evolves to the katie that i want to be. that "edgy pretty adult." almost as if i look like i could kick your ass while petting a cute little kitten and helping the poor....all at once. ha yeah. THAT is exactly what i feel and EXACTLY what i want. so as of late, i felt the need to go through a bit of overhaul on my wardrobe and style. i got a new tattoo. that's a nice little addition. i haven't changed my hair but i'm definitely itching to do so. i'm removing the more "cutesy" items that make me feel like a cupcake. if i feel like a cupcake because of the shape, i don't also want it to be a cutesy and maybe even childish floral pattern. that's just too much. if i'm going to look like a cupcake i will look like a cupcake with guns. yes, guns. ha. so i've done that. and now, i'm realizing the color palette of choice as of late. i still LOVE my primary colors, but i'm noticing more of a love of certain ones more than others and then a love of MORE neutrals and even some little hints of earth tone. it's crazy. and i'm so excited because for some reason, i feel like i'm growing and maturing just because of my choices. now i just wish i had time to sew more clothing that better represented me at this moment or some extra money to play with at forever 21 and h&m and maybe even express, if i'm lucky.
and there you have it.
my more superficial thoughts that still address a deep point about understanding one's self.
-k
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