hey scott....been awhile.

you know when you have one of those moments when you realize something about yourself that you already knew. the thing that you're truly realizing is that nothing's changed. you are still the same person that you were a few years ago, just older and you hope, wiser, but at this moment you are questioning how wise you actually have become.
no matter how many friends you have and no matter how many people you love on, you still have trouble letting people loving on you. you still can't let people in with out freaking out and assuming something is incorrect in your life, and all you want to do is retreat. walls are up. walls are ALWAYS up.

i have had walls up around my heart probably since my junior year of high school. they've been building since then, at least. that was the year i really started to notice that i was a pushover. i realized i was mistreated and i finally did something about it. losing a "friend" and gaining anger. anger at those around me who used me. anger at God. anger at those who never stopped me from being used. anger at others for not protecting me from others and myself. that's bullshit. the bullshit that i am addressing is expecting someone to pick up your pieces. to expect to always be protected. the thing is, i was raised to always expect to be protected in some way. even thought, that's what i was taught, i didn't feel protected. so i started to protect myself. after noticing all this anger built up inside of me, i thought i was becoming stronger, but really, i just started to build my wall. it became my attempt to protect myself.
so much has happened since then, that it has lead me to build more of a wall. the thing is, i've had a few experiences in my life that have had a lot of similarities to one another. i find myself in a relationship with a guy where i hope for more than friendship but since i know nothing more will happen, i assume i can handle being close to them and i assume that i can get over my feelingd and just focus on theirs. i've built such a wall.
not many have really been allowed to see behind it.
behind it is so much sadness and hope and wanting. i am really bad at patience. i am impatiently waiting the only thing i really have hope for in my future. i am constantly trying to hide the sad hope. and i'm probably not doing a very good job at it. i don't want anyone to see my sadness, just my joy. no needs to see my pain.

that's at least how i felt. i still feel it to a point, but i'm trying to work through and overcome that belief. the belief that no one need know of my heartache because everyone else has troubles too. the wall exists because i've dealt with a lot of relational heartache and i have added to a lot of it myself. the wall must be torn down some before i can even build stronger relationships. i need to let people in. i've been trying to protect my heart from the world, but i need to finally be in the world and not hide behind my wall. i need to finally be a bit more vulnerable and not protect myself from the world. if anything, i need to protect myself from myself to a point, and actually think about my heart before a unintentionally cause myself pain, as usual.

here we go. time for some wall breaking. now i just need to figure out how to break it down.
-k