easier said than done.

i'm dealing with 2 main struggles as of late. one has to do with trying to be myself while still appeasing my parents, and the other has to do with focusing on friendship and the day at hand instead of relationship and the future that i don't even see yet. would really like to make some dilemmanade right about meow.

it's really difficult to be who you want to be, when you know the people that love you and helped make you into what you are don't approve. i have tattoos. i dye my hair. i have a nose ring. these surface-focused things that relate to my style are part of what makes up who i am. these things cause so much unnecessary frustrations and seeming heartache for my parents. it's a definite struggle. we get along so well and are really close and they are great and they believe they've raised a great kid, and yet they find so much flaw in my choices and my appearance. how does someone cope with that? i have no idea. i feel blogs are usually meant to share thoughts and epiphanies and anything that can probably give incite to others who may relate. but i have nothing. i am at a loss. the only idea i have is to just tell'm to fuck off, but of course i don't truly want to do that. being so great in every other way, they don't deserve that, but at the same time there are moments where you just feel it's deserved. hopefully i can figure out some way to work this out and make things at least civil. no matter what, i needed to vent. i guess it's good that i at least got to unleash some confusion on the interwebs.

second dilemma. now this one, i have a partial solution for that may not even be a good one, but i think it's still helpful. so i do this thing. i've always done it. i fall for someone, hope for something, know nothing will probably happen, but become closer friends with them because i know friendship is still the most important thing, BUT because my hope takes forever to die, i break my little heart.
it's a rough experience.
and i feel like it's self-inflicted pain.
i'm hoping to learn from it and change and stop this pattern, this cycle.
i have hope to move on from my hoping and focus on the loving friendship rather than the possibly unrealistic romantic relationship that i continuously want to consider.
it's hard not to constantly consider and hope for romance and love and a future when you a 23 year old single girl with little romantic experience and only the plans to be a loving wife and mother. BUT no matter my hope and expectation, i think as of right now, i must focus on my life from day to day. i shouldn't think about the big picture. i personally, get in over my head and just wish i was in that perfect future i already have planned for  myself. its dumb to plan the future that doesn't exist yet. it's not intentional, believe me. i think it's just in how i was made. it's what i do. plan.
i need to fight the norm that is myself. i need to something completely out of my comfort zone and just take a leap. the leap that i am taking is big to me but seems small to some people. i just have to focus on the now and make it great. easier said than done.
-k