the rough road

my insanity explained:

so as claire colburn from elizabethtown says, "i can't help helping."

we all have personal opinions of our own selves. we have both positive and negative opinions. i have a few negative opinions. i'd like to consider them what makes up my "insanity."
-i focus on helping others more than i focus on helping myself
-i don't know how to deal with people. i can be "helpful"and i be "counselor-y" but i have trouble opening up to people and really being comfortable with them.
- i think i'm boring because even the most simple of interactions and the most quiet moments can be just fine, to me. with that, i don't feel like i offer much to relationships i have with anyone.
-i get caught up in the idea of a romantic relationship so much that i pine and pursue when i should not really have to and i have no fucking clue what i'm doing.

-i fall. i become the counselor-y friend who wants to be pursued but doesn't know how to show it correctly. i may or may not be pursued, but if so, only for a moment until i am instead preferred to be just the best friend.
-i allow myself to be the substitute for what/who a guy truly wanted.
-i become a band aid because i want to help. therefore i am helping them for the time but not usually forever and i can be ripped away from being close to the person at any time.

all of this describes my personal view of my own "insanity"
the sad thing is, these issues are ones i continually deal with. i never learn and i am always making the same mistakes. to purposely do something that causes yourself pain, and to do it continuously: that is insanity, according to BONES.

so right now i'm dealing with trying to fix my insanity, or cope with it. i'm trying to be less pursuing and more aloof, but still open and talkative. i want to experience new and different things and not be so fearful of everyday life. i don't want to pursue the "counseling" bestfriend name tag if romantic feelings exist in my heart. i will not be the substitute or the band-aid character I WILL NOT FALL.

what i must do is take a detour from this treacherous path i have. now i must figure out how to healthily detour. it's definitely difficult but hopefully i will learn and not need another detour again. we shall see if i learn how to succeed in not falling over time. ha pun.

this is what i'm so excited for in my future. because even though i feel like i keep making the same mistake over and over again, in the end i need to trust that life will be good as long as i'm happy.

i just need some change. need to prepare the detour and hopefully even start taking that detour, asap. who knows, maybe i already am considering i'm aware of the problem.

yep. here's hoping i'm right. i do feel smarter though. so that's cool. feel a little bit more prepared. :)
-k