just in the last few days i've come to a lot of realizations, thanks to some beautiful and strong friends. these are those realizations that i've mentioned before. the ones that you already kind of knew, but someone or something had fall out of the sky and hit you right in the head for you to really accept it and decide to do something about it.
so.
my life..a bit of babbling for ya..
right now i am lost. still lost. uncertain about where i am going and what i'm doing and even, who i am. i flip-flop back and forth every day about whether or not i even want to be in bg or even in ohio. i'm questioning what's here for me, but i also don't know what could be out there for me either. i am conflicted about everything that i do because i have grown into this timid, fearful, self-conscious and intimidated individual. it seems that i have lost my strength. at least, for myself. i can be the strongest rock in the world for others, but i cave for them as well. i can't stand up for myself. i can't say no very well. i care for others too much that i have lost myself. i have also lost myself because of all the hurt that i have dealt with and put myself through. because of my past, i have trouble letting people in, i focus all of my care on others rather than myself, i let everyone else be the center of attention, and i hide behind my peers.
some people would consider this a bad thing, and i would agree with them to an extent. you shouldn't give all of yourself to others. you'd think a girl would learn, but apparently it is difficult to break out of the cycle that i have been programmed to do. i was raised to always give and to love people. apparently something got skewed as i grew and this idea became: always be giving and love people(no matter the consequence). i believe i'm finally REALLY noticing the consequences of my actions. giving all of my love to others and none to myself has turned me into what i am today. it's crazy how much weight "loving too much" can have on one's growth.
i have trouble saying no to people, and people know it. i allow myself to be taken advantage of because i just want to help. over the years, i've let others take center stage. i've focused on other people and allowed them to take precedence. because of that, i don't talk about myself anymore and all i really do is listen. i don't really talk about what's going on in my life or what my opinions are because i assume no one wants to hear. i don't even really know what my opinions are anymore and i don't know how to talk about my thoughts. my attempted humility has turned into forgetting who i am and losing who i am. losing confidence. forgetting how to be me. forgetting who "me" is.
i fade into the background while around certain people with confident and overbearing personalities. i used to be stronger than that. i used to the confident personality. i believe there are still days where my confidence shines, but it's covered in a haze these days. ha, i rhymed.
i have lost my strength. i must learn to find it again.
this has lead to more realizations. because of the way i interact with people, i am not really close to anyone. i have a very small list of people i truly open up to and feel comfortable with. i have a lot of "friends" but not many friends. i love the people that are in my life, but i know that our relationships need to be stronger and the only reason why they aren't that strong is because i don't open up and actually talk about my true feelings and thoughts. that needs to change. i need to change it.
i noticed something else.
i open up easier to men than to women. i may be wrong, but i have a theory as to why.
my parents are happily married and have been for about 27 years now. they have friends but no one intensely close. they are each others' best friend. they are basically all each other has. it's what i was raised around. i was raised to love and care for as many people as possible and then come home to that one and only person that i would let in, my husband. i think, subconsciously, that is what i am constantly preparing myself for. i naturally open up more to my male friends than to my female friends because without realizing it, i am constantly pining for my hopeful future and marriage and babies and perfect and blah blah blah...anyway, that's just a theory. it could also be that i, being a woman, am completely aware of the dramatic, passive aggressive and emotional judgement that that come from a girl. in my mind, guys protect. therefore, they can hear anything and everything about you, and be willing to care for you despite it all. again, my thoughts.
so, there's a bit of babble.
here's a bit more.
yes, it's great that i became aware of so much. but now, i have to deal with it all. i want to change what's going on and change who i am. i'm worried it could only be done by a miracle.
-k
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