you say you want a resolution? well, new year, new plan

So last year i had some new years resolutions set for the first time, possibly ever.
Now to follow up on these and finally rejoin the blogging world.
My resolutions:
-read more
-paint & draw
-apply to shows
-eat better and exercise
-lose weight/get fit
-document every day's attire
-don't shop
-get rid of clothes if i can
-keep hair color

Now i don't know if i really succeeded all that well in following through with these, but i do think i accomplished something. At least, I feel like i accomplished something. Lets go through the list.

Read more.
I think i told myself to read a book a month. Haha i( with my fiance) read 1 whole book. On my own, i've read half of 2. I've read multiple books of the bible but even that has been pretty sporadic. Now, you may think i failed. I do too, sort of. The thing is, i failed in accomplishing my written goal BUT i did not fail in reading. Usually i would read no physical book all year unless it was a couple books of the bible. My bible reading is usually even minimal. So, in the long run, i grew. I'm actually excited to continue reading in through this year. Hopefully next year i can say i've read 2 or 3 :)

Paint & draw.
Man did i succeed! I have painted so much this year and have so much more to paint! I have a website and have my work up in a gallery! My next plan is to search for new gallery shows to apply to, make new business cards, update my website even more and hopefully even start selling work! Maybe look into doing an "in house" gallery show!

Exercise and eat better and lose weight.
 Well i've exercised a little, i've been eating a lot better but its not constant, and i've not lost much weight but i have lost like a few inches. I have gotten close to my goal weight but it fluctuates. This next year i will be a lot more stern about my exercise and eating habits because I HAVE A WEDDING TO GET HOT FOR!! So i will have a smaller goal weight, i will eat cleaner, and work out more regularly.

Wardrobe focus.
I have documented many many outfits throughout the year tho i know i didn't do every day. Still, i'm pretty proud! I have shopped but i've also regularly gotten rid of clothes. Now, soon i will look through everything and take out what i haven't worn and attempt to sell it!!

Hair.
4 months into the new year, i changed it completely, BUUUUT since then it has been about the same AND i haven't cut it!!


Soooooo, there's my 2014. 
Now for 2015! 
praying for an awesome year. new list coming soon!

-k/r

flux

Most people are at a constant state of flux.

flux

fləks/

noun

noun: flux; plural noun: fluxes

1. 1.

   the action or process of flowing or flowing out.

   
   
2. 
   
3. 2.

   continuous change.

   
   

   

   
   

Yes, we are living breathing human people who have organs that constantly so we can live. that doesn't stop until we die. Though that is true, it is not what i am talking about. I am referring to what seems to be everyone's need to change. Now, when i say "everyone" I know that I am generalizing, but I also feel that people need to transition from one thing to the next in some fashion. Everyone is different.

What i mean when i use the term fluxing...

So many people I encounter day feel the need to change something in their lives. They don't seem to change that thing only once, but rather frequently. For some people, it can be like clockwork, but for others it can be quite sporadic. Some examples are as follows:

-changing the color of your hair often
-not sticking to the same job for too long
-traveling or moving a lot
-regularly updating or changing your clothing style
-getting a new tattoo or piercing
-collecting
-being in and out of relationships

These are only some examples, but these are the ones that i tend to see most often.

Now, there is an actual reason why i bring this topic up. I promise.
This isn't just a random thing like "i'm going to state this thing. not state my opinion, but a thing"
This isn't one of those moments.
Anyhoo, the reason for this brain goop------>
This idea of constantly changing and never able to sit still or stick to something because of boredom tends to be considered a bad thing. From my point of view, it is looked down upon. People who "have their life together" tend to put down this fluxing attitude and point it out as a negative thing that must be cured. like a disease or ailment to heal from over time. It is as if it something that should be fixed. And, well, that's dumb.
*cough cough NOT ALWAYS, THOUGH cough cough*

Like...

changing the color of your hair often

"i change my hair every week and a half dude, get used to it"

some people may try to find a deep-set meaning to why someone changes something about their aesthetics so frequently and get all psychological and philosophical, but it's possible that all of those ideas are unnecessary because hair grows and it is easily changed, so why not have fun with it?

------

That is only one example, but hopefully you catch what i'm throwing out there. i just thought that out all examples to use, that's an entertaining one. And I think I'm right, don't you? ;)

One could see both positives and negatives to possibly all fluxxing situations, the key here is that we should be focusing on the maturity and growth of the person. But, you know, some people just suck at being people like they should be people. It's fact.

I guess I just want to point out how beautiful it is to constantly grow and change with the seasons. This part of the human condition [I believe] can be so freeing and relaxing. sometimes we just need to take a sharp turn in a different direction, and that is ok.  I'm not saying it's always ok. There are definitely some habits that adults or people becoming adults should learn to grow out of, but not all of them. Some of them are just good for the soul. that sounds cheesy. I like cheesy. Its GOOD FOR THE SOUL. And it is beautiful.

But remember kids...

Thanks, k/r

inferiority complex

i've come to a conclusion. (now, mind you, this may be something i've thought about and even written about before, but i apparently forgot. i guess it's something i need to keep considering)

having someone in your life constantly reminding you of your beauty and greatness, and then noticing how much you tend to disagree, really helps you work on yourself. (idk if commas were supposed to go there. i'm, over, it.)
anyhoo, here's what i'm saying: i think i'm a strong beautiful woman who will stick up for herself and be upfront and confident in life. i think this is what i CAN be, but the more i really truly think about it, this isn't how i act on the regular. usually i have a strong opinion, but i don't let it out and i back away in situations where someone else wants to be the center of attention. this can be a good. i can just let others not bother me and let them do their thing and not care what people think. buuuut, i'm bad at that, it seems. instead i'm more timid and feel kind of inferior. i am only now realizing it more and more because i have an awesome man in my life(yes i am talking about him AGAIN. i'm happy. get over it) who has to hear me talk so negatively about myself. i don't do it to many others. he gets it all. and i couldn't be more thankful for his love. seriously. i just wish he didn't have to hear it because i wish i didn't want to say it. with that, i'm trying to understand where it came from.
why do i struggle wih confidence?
what in my past has led to my sometimes ill-feelings of my self?

so...a little hint of my past.
-i grew up having many friends. many people i cared for. many people that you can even say i cared too much for. for many years i've focused too much on putting the needs of others before my own, that sometimes i'd let it get so bad that i'd let "friends" walk all over me----> thus, pushover-katie was born.

-there have been specific moments with friend old friends and some acquaintances, where there was an unnecessary rivalry. like, i'd come upon a girl. we'd become friends because of our surface-level similarities, and then i'd notice a glimmer of competition in her eye. whether it was over a boy, or an outfit, a tattoo, or anything, really, it felt like this other girl at that time would feel the need to be the center of attention in any situation. she needed to be center stage even for just an audience of one.since this has happened so often, i kinda just let it go(tho i will admit, there were moments i competed right back. but that cattyness SHOULD only last so long, and if i'm lucky, not at all). most of the time, i'd let whoever was competing "win" more or less. i'd back away, but not in an "ok i'll let you do you're thing and be bitchy while i watch you act like a fool" kind of way, more in the "you have succeeded at making me feel like shit. i shall be in this corner" kind of way.----pushover-katie, the saga continues...

-then i had the people that disapproved of my choices(that's kind of a different realm but still totally relates). i had the people who thought me being an artist was dumb or the people that mocked my tattoos or my hair. then i'd have the people who never truly told me how they felt, but because i judged them by their seemingly snooty nature, i assumed they judged me back and looked down on me for my future plans, or lack there-of(that's a lot of my own assumptions getting to me). ---> is and was all complete bullshit because i really don't know when i started to take others' opinions so seriously. this isn't their life, and the day i decided they had a hand in it was they day i got dumb.

yep.
that's a bit of my life. looking back on it, i know i'm not alone with these struggles. so that's cool. it's just if so many people encounter struggles like this or have issues with feeling inferior or lack confidence, how do they make things better? how do they strengthen themselves and gain a backbone? how do they gain confidence? i'm trying to make a guess and figure out it, but what i also want to know, is why are these past experiences getting to me now? why does it take FOREVER for me to process feelings? it took me about 6 years to feel like a truly recovered from a painful relationship that changed me. SIX YEARS and i still think i sometimes regress and have to remember to be strong and happy in life. i guess i am finally really dealing with the confidence problems i have had over the years. i guess i'm finally coping and learning and HOPEFULLY, if all goes well, growing from it.

sooooooo, now that you have gotten this far, you are allowed to read the final portion...
the list.
my thoughts.
what i've learned.
ready, set, go:
1. keeping unkind people away from your heart is probs a good thing. by probs i mean TOTALLY.
2. really thinking about your hopes, dreams, goals, and loves will help you remember what matters, and hopefully focusing on what matters in your own life, will help you to not worry about other peoples' opinions of you and your life.
3. YOU control your life. no one else.
4. loving boyfriends make things better.
5. maybe people try to compete with you because they consider you a threat. how BA is that?
6. focus on what makes you happy and never forget to pamper yourself every once in a while.
7. sometimes with a set life plan who then follow it to a tee aren't happy, because they only focus on the plan, and not what puts a smile on their face.(i may be wrong but i think i have seen examples of this from time to time).

so yeah yeah yeah there's 7 cool thoughts to consider.

ALSO, here's some cool things i'm personally going to try to do now that i have sat down and thought about way more than i planned to:
1. i'm going to try not to dwell on the past so much.
2. instead of thinking about the rough relationships that i have had and moved on from, i should focus on the great relationships i still have that make me a better person every day.
3. i'm going to focus on what/who makes me happy.
4. i think i'm going to do a bit of pampering very soon. sometimes it's just good for the soul :)
5. i'm gunna pray, but that's just me.

 

from revolutions to resolutions

i've never been one to participate in the act of making new years resolutions. never felt the need to change my life so intensely that i needed to document it any fashion or have a specific "starting point" for my endeavors. i guess, without really acknowledging that i had an opinion about resolutions, i had a strong opinion. i was anti-resolution. i found it arbitrary and never understood why so many people SUDDENLY had multiple things that they wanted to change about their lives every year around the 31st of December. i felt that people were forcing themselves into a ritual and i felt that to be...well, stupid.

this year i finally got it. i still don't understand how some people honestly have new years resolutions every year and i STILL believe that some people do force themselves into the ritual because they think it is what they are supposed to do. BUT, i also finally see the point. it's no longer arbitrary to me. at least, not this year.

2013 was a very difficult and wonderful year. i've talked about a great deal of my hardships and triumphs when it comes to my own personal growth over this year and i'm happy to say that i feel like i've accomplished a lot. it has gotten me to a point in life where bigger and better changes must be considered.
for example: i have an amazing boyfriend that i can't help but gush about.

 this, of course, develops thoughts of the future. im considering my monetary standing, my artistic career, my health and anything else that would be important to me anyone else in my life from here on out.

it is no longer arbitrary. i am at a point in my life where i need to start reevaluating and reworking a lot. i like the idea of picking the start to the new year to begin the changes. i understand why when January comes around, so do many new plans, hopes, and dreams for many people.

so...here it is.
my list of new years resolutions.
read, set, go...(also, it's in categories)
1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.
2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.
3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.
4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.
5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

so there's that.
now #5 is more of a personal challenge for me. it's addressing the fact that i have way more than i need. so many people have so little in this world and yet i have so much that don't even wear or use. this challenge will force me to actually wear what i seem to love too much to let go, but also show me what i can remove from my wardrobe and hopefully give away or sell.
 i don't want to go too much into that right now as that will officially begin on the first and there will be photo documentation to show my progress :) im excited for this challenge and my others as well.

happy new year and god bless.
-kr

punching bags, ice cream, and all the likes.

disclaimer: this may be a bit scatterbrained(or maybe kind of word-vomit-ty) and not really so "informative" but more of a diary of my happy thoughts. therefore, you will either read this and get nothing out of it but just a little bit of my brain and my heart, or there's some hidden little bit of guidance. i guess that's for you to decide, so this disclaimer may be unnecessary.

Google definition of anger:

an·ger

ˈaNGgər/

noun

noun: anger; plural noun: angers

1.

a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"

synonyms:

rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique

I felt this... all of this.

Today i felt the most intense anger i have felt in a long time. it did not last long and i didn't react as violently as i have in the past. afterwards, i didn't know what to feel. i didn't know what to do except talk and get slightly teary. today i felt unloved and disregarded and even abandoned. there's no detail to this story that is necessary. all that is required is that you that only about an hour ago, maybe less, i was LIVID. 

i was told to pray.

my boyfriend told me to pray.

***

prayer

-i'd put up the definition i found on google, but i found it ill-equipped

...i haven't prayed as much as i used in the last year. it's been rather sporadic and seemed to be only when i felt so at a lost that "oh i guess i will have to turn to God". i used to pray even in joy, but for a while, God angered me. praying just seemed pointless for a while. off and on for the last few months i've been falling in love with my faith again. it's been a slow and somewhat rocky fall, but only in the last month or so has it been less rocky and more smooth and even comforting. to actually take comfort in the lord, it's so choice. :) 

i prayed a bit before i wanted to type, but there will be more for me after. just being able to sit and think and talk and pray to God. being thankful for the greatness of life, asking for peace and understanding to come over, and talking about anything and everything. some my find that idea crazy, but as many have said, we are all snowflakes. i believe what i believe, and you believe what you believe, and if we happen to believe similar things, it seems we may have a bit more in common.

so i was told to pray, and what happened? i felt a sigh of relief. i felt calm, at least in comparison to the urge t throw things that i had only seconds before. so much peace. he said "pray" and it's like a lightbulb went off. lol i felt like a dope. a happy dope, at least. i didn't even think to pray at first, because i was so angry. the fact that all i needed was for someone so wonderful and caring to say "just pray" made things so much better. things arent perfect and i do intend to pray much more throughout the evening, but dang...

***

that wonderful man that told me to pray...he's pretty great. i went from being enraged and wanting to punch things and cry, to feeling at least 80% better JUST because of his comfort. it seems i am more and more thankful and excited each day for his existence in my life. it's kinda scary, but i like it. like like like like...yep. all the likes.

it seems i have notes about the awesomeness of relationships....who knew?

-never stop looking for something/someone that will make your life better.

-if he/she makes you smile when you should be crying...he/she just may be a keeper.

-if he/she helps you learn, helps you focus, and helps you grow, he/she is part magic.

-if he/she screeches like a velociraptor, he may just be part velociraptor.

-always feel loved. if you don't, there's a problem.

-hugs, even virtually, and kind of wonderful.

i'm not saying that i wouldn't pray if he wasn't around, i'm just saying, he helped.

find someone that helped. it's nice :)

-k/r

i don't do what i do for a reason.

i don't care.
not as i used to.
it was like breathing.

now it's just like jewelry.
just an accessory to my life.
i do love it.
it adds something to my everyday, but it's not something i yearn for.
                                                                   not something i can't live without.

sometimes i think i'm lucky.
sometimes i think i'm cursed.
to have little feeling towards this gift.
                                 towards something i once loved.
                                               something i once put all my heart and all my hours into.

now i sleep.
now i eat.
now i interact on a deeper level with people i find most dear.
now, life doesn't revolve around something that has the potential me nowhere.
now i'm growing more happy with that.
now, it feels right.

the idea of the curse is slowly passing.
the feeling of bliss is coming over me.
it's becoming another thing i am thankful to have a knack for.
                      a nice little talent i can pull out of the attic whenever it feels like the right time.
it's becoming that priceless heirloom that you only bring out to show people on special occasion.
                      an antiquity, almost.
                      such a delicate and beautiful part of my life that can only be out in the open for a small amount of time or it won't age well. it could rust or break. it will get very old very fast and instead of being something so magnificent, it will be that shotty old toy of your great great grandfather's that has little to no value now. it will be worthless to me.

some things age well and have a value that only grows.
this is not one of those things.
i keep it boxed up.
i keep it protected.
i keep it for the special occasions in life.

never- the things i want to tell you, but i'm not even good at telling myself.

haven't written in a while but i have a lot of thoughts and plans that i am so excited to write about. figured it start off with some fun thoughts.

ready, set, go.

i have some opinions, views, ideals. whatever you'd like to call them. they're a bunch of nevers. a bunch of random things i don't think should be done. they're silly. nothing too serious. it seemed like a good choice for my first blog since my emotional distress over the last year. once we feel any bit of "recovery" or some sort of closure, it only seems right to talk of something more surfacey. more fun.

i guess its like this:
you feel like you were in deep waters for a very long time(the time is circumstantial and based on your own personal view of hardship, of course). you finally pull yourself out or get pulled out. you've been saved or were actually able to save yourself or a mixture of the two. now, you're back on the shore. completely safe but only because you're not attempting to get back in the water, even the most shallow. eventually, when you're feeling prepared or comfortable, you put a toe in. this is my "toe in"

the silly, arbitrary acts and thoughts and well, nothing of depth or great importance. it could be important and meaningful, but not right now. right now it's just thought. soon there will be importance. soon there will be deeper thoughts and cares and beliefs. til then, here's some nevers...

-never apologize for being yourself unless yourself is an asshole.
-never be confused by your own fashion choices. if you like it, wear it (but stay classy).
-never feel uncomfortable around your closest friends. you should be able to dance naked holding a chicken and they should at least laugh. if they get you enough, they'll start dancing too.
-never overindulge. i may be wrong, but every time i have, in anything, it's gone poorly.
-never underestimate yourself. if you do, so will the world.
-never lesten to your heart and never listen to your head, but always listen to both.
-never think you're entitled to anything.
-never don't wear heels. i know that's a double negative, my apologies. but wear heels sometimes. i'm bad at it too but it just feels good. i personally feel more poised and put together and classy(depending on the heel) and come on, your ass looks great. unless you legit can't do it.
-never intensely follow fashion magazines when it says "looks to lose". if you follow shit like that so strongly, you have no style for yourself. but again, keep it classy.

that's all i got. there will be more tho. i know i will always have opinions.
-k

so much good!

About a year ago today i began to really feel lost. That quarter-life crisis had begun and there was so much more crisis-ing to come that i couldn't have been less prepared for. At this point, it had only been a summer since graduating from college and the plan i had since age 9 had ended. I crossed the finish line. All i knew that i wanted in life was to go to bg for art. Thats about as far as my life planning got other than marriage and babies. I never cared about a career. I never wanted to travel the world. I didnt really want to do anything. I wasnt even that rebellious until like 2 years ago and if there are levels for rebellion im like a trainee, and totally cool with it. really. I was living on my simple little cloud until it just disappeared when i was handed my empty diploma folder and told to smile for the camera. From that point, my plan was to look for a job and live with my friends. Check. Mini mission accomplished. And then i really realized how dreary and boring my world was and how scared i was to really embrace the bigger world. AND THEN i also realized i didnt give a shit. There was nothing that i wanted to do. I didnt really care about making a difference, being an artist, or pursuing anything. Didnt even want to help and love people as i always used to. I was sucked dry of my love for others and myself. Sounds rather emotional, and damn is that accurate. To add to the emotional distress over my fears and uncertainties, the only thing that i new i wanted for my life was something that i could not do alone. I wanted a legitimate healthy relationship that leads to marriage and children. Thats definitely still something i have on my "hope agenda" but thats another rant, entirely.
Anyhoo, instead i had a few minor romantic moments but nothing right. whether it was them, or me, or both, no dice. So i did what every lost single white female college graduate with an ART degree would do. I kinda just tried to ignore my sorrows and carry on with life until i finally had a meltdown or two. Kept doin what i was doin. Or "kept on truckin" as the young folks say. That didn't last long. instead, it formed a roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I was happy and blissfully blind to what was wrong and then id be a depressed about how lost i felt and then again and again and so on, and you trackin with me family?
So there you have it. the obligatory katie disclaimer. I know I've written about it before and i know I've probably said the same thing in every different way possible since i decided to give a shit about my struggles and try to do something BUT heres something new: i actually think there's change. Things are happening. I can feel it. I don't have any major life goal other than the same old hope as usual, but i feel purpose again. I feel more like myself. AND i feel like this is only the beginning. It feels so good. Yes, there will be some momentary setbacks, but that's to be expected.
God it's so nice.
So, want to hear my life possibilities and small goals that you're going to hear/ read whether you'd like to or not, considering you're reading this? K cool.
So...
-go to disney world with my friends possibly within the next year
-save up for a computer and a scanner
-learn more about photoshop and other editing tools. Figured i should probably finally get with the times especially since i may want to work with illustrating and graphics.
-look into illustration opportunities
-once i get a newer body of work put together, look for shows. Thats not really anything new but i know that i need to care about my work instead of just letting it chill in my closet and letting the ideas chill in my brain.
-possibly go to hair school (I'm still uncertain, but we shall just see).
-travel somewhere for the freedom and new experiences because i know i need to branch out! Ive never had the urge to travel, and yet all the wonderful movies about finding yourself and growing and getting through pain have to do with traveling so i'm thinking they may be on to something.
-feel even more like myself and be better than the katie i was yesterday. i know i don't need to change Anything about myself EXCEPT for finding comfort. I need to grow more confident with who i am and find strength. I want it, so i will make it happen and it'll be beautiful. I will feel beautiful.
And yeah, there are totally more but its 4 am so i can't think as well as i'd like.
So. There you have it. I feel like i have goals to reach and it feels good. I feel good. Things are good. Im a legally driving adult with a job and goals. Ive been a whirlwind of emotion for the last year and considering i've been a pretty balanced and level headed girl all of my life, it was do much tougher than it should have been.
There are a select group of people that i couldn't be more thankful for having in my life to go through this journey with. I Love them so much. They've dealt with shit and put me through shit and they've helped me to really see who is important and what's so important about me. Their existence in y life just adds to the joy!
Here's one more goal...
become emma stone. I know i am me and my own person and i shouldn't wish to be someone else, but i am pretty sure if you mix emma stone and every character she has played and sprinkle a little bit of juno mcguff on top, you have my spirit animal. They say and do what i wish i was ballsy and witty enough to say and do. Emma stone's confidence and balance of funny and beautiful is the most admirable thing and really, to be monumentally cheesy, she is what i feel like on the inside. Lol so there is that.

i usually add an image of some kind. i didn't last time i wrote. it felt weird. so here's a koala :)

hopefully soon

for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

***

i've felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy. that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy. usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.

***
A leads to B

A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.

the cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.

the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...

...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.

do i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.

do i allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine. that wall is difficult to break.

B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.

the cause: see A

the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"

i believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.

***

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
                                              by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"

this song sparked an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not by now, what good is this rant to you, really.

***

it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.

Reflex

i wrote this at work. not revised in any way, but i figured, why not. sok tho...i'm over it.


 Reflex:

it's just a cycle. it's what i'm used to. an automatic reflex.
it feels robotic. i didn't even realize that the path that i've taken is the path i've ALWAYS taken.
the familiarity. it doesn't even register until it's too late and i'm stuck in my pattern.
my reflexive state.
my cycle of "comfort."

finding comfort in what we know but not what is good.
it's a terrible addiction so many have.
turning towards the familiar darkness instead of embracing the light.
the new uncertain light.

it's just a reflex.

-k