for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.
i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.
unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.
i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.
***
i've
felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already
possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy.
that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly
believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than
the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i
have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been
blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace
and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy.
usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life
through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be
happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will
forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great
hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty
and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily
pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a
sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.
***
A leads to B
A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.
the
cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many
relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY
guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out
of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.
the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...
...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.
do
i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i
answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same
time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love
my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a
constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i
feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.
do i
allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people
that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even
always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because
of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine.
that wall is difficult to break.
B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.
the cause: see A
the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"
i
believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we
can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what
you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for
yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the
mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it
sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how
to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm
worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a
way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i
don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm
enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.
***
You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"
this song sparked
an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this
problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and
destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more
about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by
others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not
by now, what good is this rant to you, really.
***
it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.
