disclaimer: this may be a bit scatterbrained(or maybe kind of word-vomit-ty) and not really so "informative" but more of a diary of my happy thoughts. therefore, you will either read this and get nothing out of it but just a little bit of my brain and my heart, or there's some hidden little bit of guidance. i guess that's for you to decide, so this disclaimer may be unnecessary.
Google definition of anger:
an·ger
ˈaNGgər/
noun
noun: anger; plural noun: angers
1.
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"
| synonyms: | rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique |
I felt this... all of this.
Today i felt the most intense anger i have felt in a long time. it did not last long and i didn't react as violently as i have in the past. afterwards, i didn't know what to feel. i didn't know what to do except talk and get slightly teary. today i felt unloved and disregarded and even abandoned. there's no detail to this story that is necessary. all that is required is that you that only about an hour ago, maybe less, i was LIVID.
i was told to pray.
my boyfriend told me to pray.
***
prayer
-i'd put up the definition i found on google, but i found it ill-equipped
...i haven't prayed as much as i used in the last year. it's been rather sporadic and seemed to be only when i felt so at a lost that "oh i guess i will have to turn to God". i used to pray even in joy, but for a while, God angered me. praying just seemed pointless for a while. off and on for the last few months i've been falling in love with my faith again. it's been a slow and somewhat rocky fall, but only in the last month or so has it been less rocky and more smooth and even comforting. to actually take comfort in the lord, it's so choice. :)
i prayed a bit before i wanted to type, but there will be more for me after. just being able to sit and think and talk and pray to God. being thankful for the greatness of life, asking for peace and understanding to come over, and talking about anything and everything. some my find that idea crazy, but as many have said, we are all snowflakes. i believe what i believe, and you believe what you believe, and if we happen to believe similar things, it seems we may have a bit more in common.
so i was told to pray, and what happened? i felt a sigh of relief. i felt calm, at least in comparison to the urge t throw things that i had only seconds before. so much peace. he said "pray" and it's like a lightbulb went off. lol i felt like a dope. a happy dope, at least. i didn't even think to pray at first, because i was so angry. the fact that all i needed was for someone so wonderful and caring to say "just pray" made things so much better. things arent perfect and i do intend to pray much more throughout the evening, but dang...
***
that wonderful man that told me to pray...he's pretty great. i went from being enraged and wanting to punch things and cry, to feeling at least 80% better JUST because of his comfort. it seems i am more and more thankful and excited each day for his existence in my life. it's kinda scary, but i like it. like like like like...yep. all the likes.
it seems i have notes about the awesomeness of relationships....who knew?
-never stop looking for something/someone that will make your life better.
-if he/she makes you smile when you should be crying...he/she just may be a keeper.
-if he/she helps you learn, helps you focus, and helps you grow, he/she is part magic.
-if he/she screeches like a velociraptor, he may just be part velociraptor.
-always feel loved. if you don't, there's a problem.
-hugs, even virtually, and kind of wonderful.
i'm not saying that i wouldn't pray if he wasn't around, i'm just saying, he helped.
find someone that helped. it's nice :)
-k/r
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