Lappy love & Resolutions revisited: a nice little update

Lappy Love

alright, laptop acquired. i finally have a computer, thanks to my wonderful boyfriend. he gave me his old one and now i can be a normal 20something who follows youtube channels, online news articles, and takes a copious amount of quizzes!! woot!!

i can now...
1. create word documents
2. watch movies in my room
3. keep up with youtube channels like eat your kimchi
4. actually pay attention to the news and current events
5. pin even more frequently than i already do
6. set up my website and update other pages from home
7. not need to go to the library as much
8. BLOG...yeah. happening.
9. probably more, but nothing important enough for me to remember on my own.
10. and find memes like the one below :D

so, thank you to my awesome gentleman of a boyfriend!!

P.S. my laptop's name is sparkles magillicuddy the third. it's desktop background is ...

so, now that that little bit of word-vomit joy has been spewed, here's something else :D

Resolutions Revisited

it has been a bit more than half a year since i decided to have my first official new years resolutions!! it's been a really awesome journey so far and i guess i just wanted to update you all on my progress or lack of progress depending on the subject.

to recap my list, here's my list:

1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.

HEALTH in actuality: my work out schedule is a bit on the irregular side, but i have lost a few pounds, been taking better vitamins, and my dietary plan is a lot healthier than it used to be while also being a lot better for my digestive problems. i do feel like i've been getting more regular hours of sleep nightly, but i'm still not the best at mornings. i need to work on that whole "morning" thing as coffee is starting to become less effective. i almost never drink energy drinks anymore and only on rare occasions do i have a soda(yes, i said soda.) i have yet to run, i walk a bit more, i dont do yoga yet, and i slightly hoola hoop but have't really done that in a month. TONIGHT i shall work out a bit, and tomorrow i shall do a lot of walking and maybe start back into hooping. we shall see :)

2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.

READING: i have been reading the bible off and on, basically been listening to an audio book of Mere Christianity (narrated by my boyfriend), and been slowly reading a memoir by Sting called Broken Music. this is all of the extra-curricular reading i have been doing since january. womp womp.

3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.

ART: i've painted a lot and drawn a lot!! been updating my etsy, pinterest and facebook. need to update my tumblr and create my website soon. I've sold 2 pieces from my newest series and have more possible buyers. I have multiple places in the area wanting to have my work displayed in their shops! so far, the art front is going magnificently!!!! I do need to look into shows, but nothing i have found so far is all that appealing or soon. I also have a book about being a freelance artist that i need to read! definitely more to do, but i'm feeling good about it!

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a7/1f/42/a71f428042a5b248e400d9534c2ac799.jpg

4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.

HAIR: i wrote that when i had dark hair...it is now white blonde again but that one drastic change happened, and since then i have been doing things gradually with my hair. hoping to even try growing it out :D

5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

FASHION: still in progress and i know i haven't taken a picture every single day like i planned to, but i'm trying. 

so that's life for now. thats how im doing. i'd definitely give myself a C+/B- on the resolution accomplishments, but hey, i still have a few months til a new new year comes around and by then there will be even more things to accomplish in life. 

i couldn't be more excited!!

-k/r

inferiority complex

i've come to a conclusion. (now, mind you, this may be something i've thought about and even written about before, but i apparently forgot. i guess it's something i need to keep considering)

having someone in your life constantly reminding you of your beauty and greatness, and then noticing how much you tend to disagree, really helps you work on yourself. (idk if commas were supposed to go there. i'm, over, it.)
anyhoo, here's what i'm saying: i think i'm a strong beautiful woman who will stick up for herself and be upfront and confident in life. i think this is what i CAN be, but the more i really truly think about it, this isn't how i act on the regular. usually i have a strong opinion, but i don't let it out and i back away in situations where someone else wants to be the center of attention. this can be a good. i can just let others not bother me and let them do their thing and not care what people think. buuuut, i'm bad at that, it seems. instead i'm more timid and feel kind of inferior. i am only now realizing it more and more because i have an awesome man in my life(yes i am talking about him AGAIN. i'm happy. get over it) who has to hear me talk so negatively about myself. i don't do it to many others. he gets it all. and i couldn't be more thankful for his love. seriously. i just wish he didn't have to hear it because i wish i didn't want to say it. with that, i'm trying to understand where it came from.
why do i struggle wih confidence?
what in my past has led to my sometimes ill-feelings of my self?

so...a little hint of my past.
-i grew up having many friends. many people i cared for. many people that you can even say i cared too much for. for many years i've focused too much on putting the needs of others before my own, that sometimes i'd let it get so bad that i'd let "friends" walk all over me----> thus, pushover-katie was born.

-there have been specific moments with friend old friends and some acquaintances, where there was an unnecessary rivalry. like, i'd come upon a girl. we'd become friends because of our surface-level similarities, and then i'd notice a glimmer of competition in her eye. whether it was over a boy, or an outfit, a tattoo, or anything, really, it felt like this other girl at that time would feel the need to be the center of attention in any situation. she needed to be center stage even for just an audience of one.since this has happened so often, i kinda just let it go(tho i will admit, there were moments i competed right back. but that cattyness SHOULD only last so long, and if i'm lucky, not at all). most of the time, i'd let whoever was competing "win" more or less. i'd back away, but not in an "ok i'll let you do you're thing and be bitchy while i watch you act like a fool" kind of way, more in the "you have succeeded at making me feel like shit. i shall be in this corner" kind of way.----pushover-katie, the saga continues...

-then i had the people that disapproved of my choices(that's kind of a different realm but still totally relates). i had the people who thought me being an artist was dumb or the people that mocked my tattoos or my hair. then i'd have the people who never truly told me how they felt, but because i judged them by their seemingly snooty nature, i assumed they judged me back and looked down on me for my future plans, or lack there-of(that's a lot of my own assumptions getting to me). ---> is and was all complete bullshit because i really don't know when i started to take others' opinions so seriously. this isn't their life, and the day i decided they had a hand in it was they day i got dumb.

yep.
that's a bit of my life. looking back on it, i know i'm not alone with these struggles. so that's cool. it's just if so many people encounter struggles like this or have issues with feeling inferior or lack confidence, how do they make things better? how do they strengthen themselves and gain a backbone? how do they gain confidence? i'm trying to make a guess and figure out it, but what i also want to know, is why are these past experiences getting to me now? why does it take FOREVER for me to process feelings? it took me about 6 years to feel like a truly recovered from a painful relationship that changed me. SIX YEARS and i still think i sometimes regress and have to remember to be strong and happy in life. i guess i am finally really dealing with the confidence problems i have had over the years. i guess i'm finally coping and learning and HOPEFULLY, if all goes well, growing from it.

sooooooo, now that you have gotten this far, you are allowed to read the final portion...
the list.
my thoughts.
what i've learned.
ready, set, go:
1. keeping unkind people away from your heart is probs a good thing. by probs i mean TOTALLY.
2. really thinking about your hopes, dreams, goals, and loves will help you remember what matters, and hopefully focusing on what matters in your own life, will help you to not worry about other peoples' opinions of you and your life.
3. YOU control your life. no one else.
4. loving boyfriends make things better.
5. maybe people try to compete with you because they consider you a threat. how BA is that?
6. focus on what makes you happy and never forget to pamper yourself every once in a while.
7. sometimes with a set life plan who then follow it to a tee aren't happy, because they only focus on the plan, and not what puts a smile on their face.(i may be wrong but i think i have seen examples of this from time to time).

so yeah yeah yeah there's 7 cool thoughts to consider.

ALSO, here's some cool things i'm personally going to try to do now that i have sat down and thought about way more than i planned to:
1. i'm going to try not to dwell on the past so much.
2. instead of thinking about the rough relationships that i have had and moved on from, i should focus on the great relationships i still have that make me a better person every day.
3. i'm going to focus on what/who makes me happy.
4. i think i'm going to do a bit of pampering very soon. sometimes it's just good for the soul :)
5. i'm gunna pray, but that's just me.

 

black and grey

my attire...it's gotten darker.
the rainbow of colors that used to fill my closet is now mainly in one little corner, rather than the whole thing.
the rest is black, and other variations of said tone.
 it started as a goal to make the "color" be found in my personality, my energy, and my joy. it's become more than that.

...my mother doesn't like it.
she thinks it looks scary.
she doesn't like my tattoos.
she also thinks they look scary.
now my hair is going to be an "edgy" color.
i wonder if she thinks it'll look scary.
my confidence has been low, but i don't resort to black clothing due to my melancholy mood.

it's different.
it's better.

i feel stronger.
i feel badass.
i feel sexy.
i feel good.

so i don't care.
i hope she accepts me completely at some point.
...that'd be nice.
it'd make life easier

but that doesn't mean i'm not going to be myself if she doesn't like it.
i hit my rebellious stage at 19...i'm ok with it.

inspiration above :)
-k

confident findings.

this was something i wrote the other day, but never got a chance to put it on here.
it's just some life thoughts that lead to some thoughts on art and inspiration and creation.
enjoy.

"today i noticed that i truly lacked in myself. i've been told that i lacked confidence in the past, but never really saw it myself, like i have lately. often, i get told 'you are beautiful,' just by my wonderful boyfriend but by many others. i am so thankful, but it was only today that i noticed this: every time someone says that i am beautiful, i feel not only flattered, but shocked and confused. it's as if i am never aware of my own beauty even though i am told of it often. i can honestly say that i think i have beautiful facial features and i can only thank God, my parents, and genetics for that. but my shocked and confused feelings still exist when i am told of my beauty. with this, i really saw how little confidence i had. i'm not sure when i lost it or if i ever truly had it at all, but either way, i believe it is time to accept these compliments with a smile and 'thank you!' rather than a look of confusion. i'd lke to think i have displayed a great deal of confidence off and on for many years and maybe this is just a low point.

i like fashion and makeup and hair. i like to 'doll myself up' on a pretty regular basis. i think that can either mean i feel strong and beautiful that i want to shine, OR i want to hide how terribly i feel about myself with layers of fabric and powder and glitz. i guess it just depends on the day. i feel like this is only natural for people(though i'm specifically focusing on me/a female). now that i have really noticed my low self-esteem issues, i guess i want to make it a new goal to dress up and put makeup and jewelry on more because i want to accentuate the beauty that i already have. this needs to become a norm. i need to feel beautiful at least 70% of the time(but shoot for always).

this may sound stupid. like, how can someone suddenly decide that the agree with others in thinking they are beautiful person? you can't. you can't just flip a switch and i know that, but i also know that i do feel beautiful at times. i do feel comfortable. i just need to figure out how to find more comfort in myself. i need to figure out what makes me truly feel beautiful. i need to get my confidence back. i need to truly feel beautiful and not just smile and nod in  confusion at the idea. i know that it takes time. it takes strength. it takes will. i'm up for the challenge."

my little notes:
-i truly believe that everyone has the potential to be a beautiful inside and out, so what gives me the right to think i'm not a part of this "everyone"?
-beauty isn't only skin-deep, but it's the skin-deep/physical beauty that i have such a hard time accepting.
-honestly, i think i have an idea as to when my confidence left. so i guess i must start over and build up and even more confident me. i must recharge.

random beauty thoughts:
-it is distorted to me. i know that it comes in all shapes and sizes and forms and yet i strive to become a specific shape. i sometimes worry that i will never truly be happy with myself because i am not exactly what i'd hope for. BUT i still think my shape can be beautiful. i feel beautiful and i don't at the same time. i have two conflicting views at all times.
-i mock fashion while loving it at the same time. i think you have to be willing to make fun of yourself, and that includes what you love. THAT can be confidence.
-BEAUTY IS NOT FLEETING unless a personality changes for the worse, and that is the ONLY WAY. i and the world must know that.


all these thoughts have given me the inspiration to paint.
i don't know how many artists it will take to truly understand beauty. but i'd love to added to that long list of people.

https://www.facebook.com/rosierockitt

thanks for reading!
-k

5. katie rose closet challenge

this is a rather belated entry as i planned to write this around the first of the month, but better late then never, i guess.

as part of my new years resolution, i decided to try to wear a different outfit every day for AT LEAST the entire year. my goal is to mix and match everything i own as to not leave anything sitting in my closet.

you see, i have a lot of clothes. i mean A LOT. too many, really. i love fashion, i love shopping and i love sewing and because of that, i have way more than one girl needs. but i love my clothes! i love getting dressed every day and really expressing my personality through the clothing i own. i'm also, stupid-attached to some things even though i don't wear everything. because of that, i decided to do this challenge. i figured, if i'm going to continue purchasing clothes and making clothes, i MUST wear a different outfit every day so i don't waste money or clothing. on top of that basic challenge that i'm giving myself, i also want to regularly go through my clothes to see if anything should go to goodwill. if i want to make any new things, some of it can definitely be added to my wardrobe, but some of it should go on my etsy page(https://www.etsy.com/shop/rosierockitt).

so...i am keeping track of my daily outfits. i am taking photos of every day and putting it on instagram(chitatie).

this will help me keep track and kind of let the world keep me accountable. that may sound silly to take this challenge so seriously, but i find it important. some people have so little, and i have so much. if i am going to have so much, i want it to be worth it. after the year is up, i'm going to look at the images of all the outfits and see if there's anything i barely wore or didn't wear at all. those pieces must go. someone who needs it or want it, should have it.

so, thats the plan.
to sum it up:
-don't be wasteful
-give when you can
-if you love fashion, love it hard :P

if you feel like you have too many things and think you need to do a challenge of sorts for yourself, join me. it's kind of a fun little experiment :)

hopefully i have a lot to give away and alot to sell.

and please, check out my etsy!! i'm planning to add more clothes and maybe even expand to artwork soon enough.

this challenge shall be a fun one :)
-k

from revolutions to resolutions

i've never been one to participate in the act of making new years resolutions. never felt the need to change my life so intensely that i needed to document it any fashion or have a specific "starting point" for my endeavors. i guess, without really acknowledging that i had an opinion about resolutions, i had a strong opinion. i was anti-resolution. i found it arbitrary and never understood why so many people SUDDENLY had multiple things that they wanted to change about their lives every year around the 31st of December. i felt that people were forcing themselves into a ritual and i felt that to be...well, stupid.

this year i finally got it. i still don't understand how some people honestly have new years resolutions every year and i STILL believe that some people do force themselves into the ritual because they think it is what they are supposed to do. BUT, i also finally see the point. it's no longer arbitrary to me. at least, not this year.

2013 was a very difficult and wonderful year. i've talked about a great deal of my hardships and triumphs when it comes to my own personal growth over this year and i'm happy to say that i feel like i've accomplished a lot. it has gotten me to a point in life where bigger and better changes must be considered.
for example: i have an amazing boyfriend that i can't help but gush about.

 this, of course, develops thoughts of the future. im considering my monetary standing, my artistic career, my health and anything else that would be important to me anyone else in my life from here on out.

it is no longer arbitrary. i am at a point in my life where i need to start reevaluating and reworking a lot. i like the idea of picking the start to the new year to begin the changes. i understand why when January comes around, so do many new plans, hopes, and dreams for many people.

so...here it is.
my list of new years resolutions.
read, set, go...(also, it's in categories)
1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.
2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.
3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.
4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.
5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

so there's that.
now #5 is more of a personal challenge for me. it's addressing the fact that i have way more than i need. so many people have so little in this world and yet i have so much that don't even wear or use. this challenge will force me to actually wear what i seem to love too much to let go, but also show me what i can remove from my wardrobe and hopefully give away or sell.
 i don't want to go too much into that right now as that will officially begin on the first and there will be photo documentation to show my progress :) im excited for this challenge and my others as well.

happy new year and god bless.
-kr

punching bags, ice cream, and all the likes.

disclaimer: this may be a bit scatterbrained(or maybe kind of word-vomit-ty) and not really so "informative" but more of a diary of my happy thoughts. therefore, you will either read this and get nothing out of it but just a little bit of my brain and my heart, or there's some hidden little bit of guidance. i guess that's for you to decide, so this disclaimer may be unnecessary.

Google definition of anger:

an·ger

ˈaNGgər/

noun

noun: anger; plural noun: angers

1.

a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"

synonyms:

rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique

I felt this... all of this.

Today i felt the most intense anger i have felt in a long time. it did not last long and i didn't react as violently as i have in the past. afterwards, i didn't know what to feel. i didn't know what to do except talk and get slightly teary. today i felt unloved and disregarded and even abandoned. there's no detail to this story that is necessary. all that is required is that you that only about an hour ago, maybe less, i was LIVID. 

i was told to pray.

my boyfriend told me to pray.

***

prayer

-i'd put up the definition i found on google, but i found it ill-equipped

...i haven't prayed as much as i used in the last year. it's been rather sporadic and seemed to be only when i felt so at a lost that "oh i guess i will have to turn to God". i used to pray even in joy, but for a while, God angered me. praying just seemed pointless for a while. off and on for the last few months i've been falling in love with my faith again. it's been a slow and somewhat rocky fall, but only in the last month or so has it been less rocky and more smooth and even comforting. to actually take comfort in the lord, it's so choice. :) 

i prayed a bit before i wanted to type, but there will be more for me after. just being able to sit and think and talk and pray to God. being thankful for the greatness of life, asking for peace and understanding to come over, and talking about anything and everything. some my find that idea crazy, but as many have said, we are all snowflakes. i believe what i believe, and you believe what you believe, and if we happen to believe similar things, it seems we may have a bit more in common.

so i was told to pray, and what happened? i felt a sigh of relief. i felt calm, at least in comparison to the urge t throw things that i had only seconds before. so much peace. he said "pray" and it's like a lightbulb went off. lol i felt like a dope. a happy dope, at least. i didn't even think to pray at first, because i was so angry. the fact that all i needed was for someone so wonderful and caring to say "just pray" made things so much better. things arent perfect and i do intend to pray much more throughout the evening, but dang...

***

that wonderful man that told me to pray...he's pretty great. i went from being enraged and wanting to punch things and cry, to feeling at least 80% better JUST because of his comfort. it seems i am more and more thankful and excited each day for his existence in my life. it's kinda scary, but i like it. like like like like...yep. all the likes.

it seems i have notes about the awesomeness of relationships....who knew?

-never stop looking for something/someone that will make your life better.

-if he/she makes you smile when you should be crying...he/she just may be a keeper.

-if he/she helps you learn, helps you focus, and helps you grow, he/she is part magic.

-if he/she screeches like a velociraptor, he may just be part velociraptor.

-always feel loved. if you don't, there's a problem.

-hugs, even virtually, and kind of wonderful.

i'm not saying that i wouldn't pray if he wasn't around, i'm just saying, he helped.

find someone that helped. it's nice :)

-k/r