confident findings.

this was something i wrote the other day, but never got a chance to put it on here.
it's just some life thoughts that lead to some thoughts on art and inspiration and creation.
enjoy.

"today i noticed that i truly lacked in myself. i've been told that i lacked confidence in the past, but never really saw it myself, like i have lately. often, i get told 'you are beautiful,' just by my wonderful boyfriend but by many others. i am so thankful, but it was only today that i noticed this: every time someone says that i am beautiful, i feel not only flattered, but shocked and confused. it's as if i am never aware of my own beauty even though i am told of it often. i can honestly say that i think i have beautiful facial features and i can only thank God, my parents, and genetics for that. but my shocked and confused feelings still exist when i am told of my beauty. with this, i really saw how little confidence i had. i'm not sure when i lost it or if i ever truly had it at all, but either way, i believe it is time to accept these compliments with a smile and 'thank you!' rather than a look of confusion. i'd lke to think i have displayed a great deal of confidence off and on for many years and maybe this is just a low point.

i like fashion and makeup and hair. i like to 'doll myself up' on a pretty regular basis. i think that can either mean i feel strong and beautiful that i want to shine, OR i want to hide how terribly i feel about myself with layers of fabric and powder and glitz. i guess it just depends on the day. i feel like this is only natural for people(though i'm specifically focusing on me/a female). now that i have really noticed my low self-esteem issues, i guess i want to make it a new goal to dress up and put makeup and jewelry on more because i want to accentuate the beauty that i already have. this needs to become a norm. i need to feel beautiful at least 70% of the time(but shoot for always).

this may sound stupid. like, how can someone suddenly decide that the agree with others in thinking they are beautiful person? you can't. you can't just flip a switch and i know that, but i also know that i do feel beautiful at times. i do feel comfortable. i just need to figure out how to find more comfort in myself. i need to figure out what makes me truly feel beautiful. i need to get my confidence back. i need to truly feel beautiful and not just smile and nod in  confusion at the idea. i know that it takes time. it takes strength. it takes will. i'm up for the challenge."

my little notes:
-i truly believe that everyone has the potential to be a beautiful inside and out, so what gives me the right to think i'm not a part of this "everyone"?
-beauty isn't only skin-deep, but it's the skin-deep/physical beauty that i have such a hard time accepting.
-honestly, i think i have an idea as to when my confidence left. so i guess i must start over and build up and even more confident me. i must recharge.

random beauty thoughts:
-it is distorted to me. i know that it comes in all shapes and sizes and forms and yet i strive to become a specific shape. i sometimes worry that i will never truly be happy with myself because i am not exactly what i'd hope for. BUT i still think my shape can be beautiful. i feel beautiful and i don't at the same time. i have two conflicting views at all times.
-i mock fashion while loving it at the same time. i think you have to be willing to make fun of yourself, and that includes what you love. THAT can be confidence.
-BEAUTY IS NOT FLEETING unless a personality changes for the worse, and that is the ONLY WAY. i and the world must know that.


all these thoughts have given me the inspiration to paint.
i don't know how many artists it will take to truly understand beauty. but i'd love to added to that long list of people.

https://www.facebook.com/rosierockitt

thanks for reading!
-k

5. katie rose closet challenge

this is a rather belated entry as i planned to write this around the first of the month, but better late then never, i guess.

as part of my new years resolution, i decided to try to wear a different outfit every day for AT LEAST the entire year. my goal is to mix and match everything i own as to not leave anything sitting in my closet.

you see, i have a lot of clothes. i mean A LOT. too many, really. i love fashion, i love shopping and i love sewing and because of that, i have way more than one girl needs. but i love my clothes! i love getting dressed every day and really expressing my personality through the clothing i own. i'm also, stupid-attached to some things even though i don't wear everything. because of that, i decided to do this challenge. i figured, if i'm going to continue purchasing clothes and making clothes, i MUST wear a different outfit every day so i don't waste money or clothing. on top of that basic challenge that i'm giving myself, i also want to regularly go through my clothes to see if anything should go to goodwill. if i want to make any new things, some of it can definitely be added to my wardrobe, but some of it should go on my etsy page(https://www.etsy.com/shop/rosierockitt).

so...i am keeping track of my daily outfits. i am taking photos of every day and putting it on instagram(chitatie).

this will help me keep track and kind of let the world keep me accountable. that may sound silly to take this challenge so seriously, but i find it important. some people have so little, and i have so much. if i am going to have so much, i want it to be worth it. after the year is up, i'm going to look at the images of all the outfits and see if there's anything i barely wore or didn't wear at all. those pieces must go. someone who needs it or want it, should have it.

so, thats the plan.
to sum it up:
-don't be wasteful
-give when you can
-if you love fashion, love it hard :P

if you feel like you have too many things and think you need to do a challenge of sorts for yourself, join me. it's kind of a fun little experiment :)

hopefully i have a lot to give away and alot to sell.

and please, check out my etsy!! i'm planning to add more clothes and maybe even expand to artwork soon enough.

this challenge shall be a fun one :)
-k

from revolutions to resolutions

i've never been one to participate in the act of making new years resolutions. never felt the need to change my life so intensely that i needed to document it any fashion or have a specific "starting point" for my endeavors. i guess, without really acknowledging that i had an opinion about resolutions, i had a strong opinion. i was anti-resolution. i found it arbitrary and never understood why so many people SUDDENLY had multiple things that they wanted to change about their lives every year around the 31st of December. i felt that people were forcing themselves into a ritual and i felt that to be...well, stupid.

this year i finally got it. i still don't understand how some people honestly have new years resolutions every year and i STILL believe that some people do force themselves into the ritual because they think it is what they are supposed to do. BUT, i also finally see the point. it's no longer arbitrary to me. at least, not this year.

2013 was a very difficult and wonderful year. i've talked about a great deal of my hardships and triumphs when it comes to my own personal growth over this year and i'm happy to say that i feel like i've accomplished a lot. it has gotten me to a point in life where bigger and better changes must be considered.
for example: i have an amazing boyfriend that i can't help but gush about.

 this, of course, develops thoughts of the future. im considering my monetary standing, my artistic career, my health and anything else that would be important to me anyone else in my life from here on out.

it is no longer arbitrary. i am at a point in my life where i need to start reevaluating and reworking a lot. i like the idea of picking the start to the new year to begin the changes. i understand why when January comes around, so do many new plans, hopes, and dreams for many people.

so...here it is.
my list of new years resolutions.
read, set, go...(also, it's in categories)
1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.
2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.
3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.
4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.
5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

so there's that.
now #5 is more of a personal challenge for me. it's addressing the fact that i have way more than i need. so many people have so little in this world and yet i have so much that don't even wear or use. this challenge will force me to actually wear what i seem to love too much to let go, but also show me what i can remove from my wardrobe and hopefully give away or sell.
 i don't want to go too much into that right now as that will officially begin on the first and there will be photo documentation to show my progress :) im excited for this challenge and my others as well.

happy new year and god bless.
-kr

punching bags, ice cream, and all the likes.

disclaimer: this may be a bit scatterbrained(or maybe kind of word-vomit-ty) and not really so "informative" but more of a diary of my happy thoughts. therefore, you will either read this and get nothing out of it but just a little bit of my brain and my heart, or there's some hidden little bit of guidance. i guess that's for you to decide, so this disclaimer may be unnecessary.

Google definition of anger:

an·ger

ˈaNGgər/

noun

noun: anger; plural noun: angers

1.

a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"

synonyms:

rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique

I felt this... all of this.

Today i felt the most intense anger i have felt in a long time. it did not last long and i didn't react as violently as i have in the past. afterwards, i didn't know what to feel. i didn't know what to do except talk and get slightly teary. today i felt unloved and disregarded and even abandoned. there's no detail to this story that is necessary. all that is required is that you that only about an hour ago, maybe less, i was LIVID. 

i was told to pray.

my boyfriend told me to pray.

***

prayer

-i'd put up the definition i found on google, but i found it ill-equipped

...i haven't prayed as much as i used in the last year. it's been rather sporadic and seemed to be only when i felt so at a lost that "oh i guess i will have to turn to God". i used to pray even in joy, but for a while, God angered me. praying just seemed pointless for a while. off and on for the last few months i've been falling in love with my faith again. it's been a slow and somewhat rocky fall, but only in the last month or so has it been less rocky and more smooth and even comforting. to actually take comfort in the lord, it's so choice. :) 

i prayed a bit before i wanted to type, but there will be more for me after. just being able to sit and think and talk and pray to God. being thankful for the greatness of life, asking for peace and understanding to come over, and talking about anything and everything. some my find that idea crazy, but as many have said, we are all snowflakes. i believe what i believe, and you believe what you believe, and if we happen to believe similar things, it seems we may have a bit more in common.

so i was told to pray, and what happened? i felt a sigh of relief. i felt calm, at least in comparison to the urge t throw things that i had only seconds before. so much peace. he said "pray" and it's like a lightbulb went off. lol i felt like a dope. a happy dope, at least. i didn't even think to pray at first, because i was so angry. the fact that all i needed was for someone so wonderful and caring to say "just pray" made things so much better. things arent perfect and i do intend to pray much more throughout the evening, but dang...

***

that wonderful man that told me to pray...he's pretty great. i went from being enraged and wanting to punch things and cry, to feeling at least 80% better JUST because of his comfort. it seems i am more and more thankful and excited each day for his existence in my life. it's kinda scary, but i like it. like like like like...yep. all the likes.

it seems i have notes about the awesomeness of relationships....who knew?

-never stop looking for something/someone that will make your life better.

-if he/she makes you smile when you should be crying...he/she just may be a keeper.

-if he/she helps you learn, helps you focus, and helps you grow, he/she is part magic.

-if he/she screeches like a velociraptor, he may just be part velociraptor.

-always feel loved. if you don't, there's a problem.

-hugs, even virtually, and kind of wonderful.

i'm not saying that i wouldn't pray if he wasn't around, i'm just saying, he helped.

find someone that helped. it's nice :)

-k/r

i don't do what i do for a reason.

i don't care.
not as i used to.
it was like breathing.

now it's just like jewelry.
just an accessory to my life.
i do love it.
it adds something to my everyday, but it's not something i yearn for.
                                                                   not something i can't live without.

sometimes i think i'm lucky.
sometimes i think i'm cursed.
to have little feeling towards this gift.
                                 towards something i once loved.
                                               something i once put all my heart and all my hours into.

now i sleep.
now i eat.
now i interact on a deeper level with people i find most dear.
now, life doesn't revolve around something that has the potential me nowhere.
now i'm growing more happy with that.
now, it feels right.

the idea of the curse is slowly passing.
the feeling of bliss is coming over me.
it's becoming another thing i am thankful to have a knack for.
                      a nice little talent i can pull out of the attic whenever it feels like the right time.
it's becoming that priceless heirloom that you only bring out to show people on special occasion.
                      an antiquity, almost.
                      such a delicate and beautiful part of my life that can only be out in the open for a small amount of time or it won't age well. it could rust or break. it will get very old very fast and instead of being something so magnificent, it will be that shotty old toy of your great great grandfather's that has little to no value now. it will be worthless to me.

some things age well and have a value that only grows.
this is not one of those things.
i keep it boxed up.
i keep it protected.
i keep it for the special occasions in life.

never- the things i want to tell you, but i'm not even good at telling myself.

haven't written in a while but i have a lot of thoughts and plans that i am so excited to write about. figured it start off with some fun thoughts.

ready, set, go.

i have some opinions, views, ideals. whatever you'd like to call them. they're a bunch of nevers. a bunch of random things i don't think should be done. they're silly. nothing too serious. it seemed like a good choice for my first blog since my emotional distress over the last year. once we feel any bit of "recovery" or some sort of closure, it only seems right to talk of something more surfacey. more fun.

i guess its like this:
you feel like you were in deep waters for a very long time(the time is circumstantial and based on your own personal view of hardship, of course). you finally pull yourself out or get pulled out. you've been saved or were actually able to save yourself or a mixture of the two. now, you're back on the shore. completely safe but only because you're not attempting to get back in the water, even the most shallow. eventually, when you're feeling prepared or comfortable, you put a toe in. this is my "toe in"

the silly, arbitrary acts and thoughts and well, nothing of depth or great importance. it could be important and meaningful, but not right now. right now it's just thought. soon there will be importance. soon there will be deeper thoughts and cares and beliefs. til then, here's some nevers...

-never apologize for being yourself unless yourself is an asshole.
-never be confused by your own fashion choices. if you like it, wear it (but stay classy).
-never feel uncomfortable around your closest friends. you should be able to dance naked holding a chicken and they should at least laugh. if they get you enough, they'll start dancing too.
-never overindulge. i may be wrong, but every time i have, in anything, it's gone poorly.
-never underestimate yourself. if you do, so will the world.
-never lesten to your heart and never listen to your head, but always listen to both.
-never think you're entitled to anything.
-never don't wear heels. i know that's a double negative, my apologies. but wear heels sometimes. i'm bad at it too but it just feels good. i personally feel more poised and put together and classy(depending on the heel) and come on, your ass looks great. unless you legit can't do it.
-never intensely follow fashion magazines when it says "looks to lose". if you follow shit like that so strongly, you have no style for yourself. but again, keep it classy.

that's all i got. there will be more tho. i know i will always have opinions.
-k

so much good!

About a year ago today i began to really feel lost. That quarter-life crisis had begun and there was so much more crisis-ing to come that i couldn't have been less prepared for. At this point, it had only been a summer since graduating from college and the plan i had since age 9 had ended. I crossed the finish line. All i knew that i wanted in life was to go to bg for art. Thats about as far as my life planning got other than marriage and babies. I never cared about a career. I never wanted to travel the world. I didnt really want to do anything. I wasnt even that rebellious until like 2 years ago and if there are levels for rebellion im like a trainee, and totally cool with it. really. I was living on my simple little cloud until it just disappeared when i was handed my empty diploma folder and told to smile for the camera. From that point, my plan was to look for a job and live with my friends. Check. Mini mission accomplished. And then i really realized how dreary and boring my world was and how scared i was to really embrace the bigger world. AND THEN i also realized i didnt give a shit. There was nothing that i wanted to do. I didnt really care about making a difference, being an artist, or pursuing anything. Didnt even want to help and love people as i always used to. I was sucked dry of my love for others and myself. Sounds rather emotional, and damn is that accurate. To add to the emotional distress over my fears and uncertainties, the only thing that i new i wanted for my life was something that i could not do alone. I wanted a legitimate healthy relationship that leads to marriage and children. Thats definitely still something i have on my "hope agenda" but thats another rant, entirely.
Anyhoo, instead i had a few minor romantic moments but nothing right. whether it was them, or me, or both, no dice. So i did what every lost single white female college graduate with an ART degree would do. I kinda just tried to ignore my sorrows and carry on with life until i finally had a meltdown or two. Kept doin what i was doin. Or "kept on truckin" as the young folks say. That didn't last long. instead, it formed a roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I was happy and blissfully blind to what was wrong and then id be a depressed about how lost i felt and then again and again and so on, and you trackin with me family?
So there you have it. the obligatory katie disclaimer. I know I've written about it before and i know I've probably said the same thing in every different way possible since i decided to give a shit about my struggles and try to do something BUT heres something new: i actually think there's change. Things are happening. I can feel it. I don't have any major life goal other than the same old hope as usual, but i feel purpose again. I feel more like myself. AND i feel like this is only the beginning. It feels so good. Yes, there will be some momentary setbacks, but that's to be expected.
God it's so nice.
So, want to hear my life possibilities and small goals that you're going to hear/ read whether you'd like to or not, considering you're reading this? K cool.
So...
-go to disney world with my friends possibly within the next year
-save up for a computer and a scanner
-learn more about photoshop and other editing tools. Figured i should probably finally get with the times especially since i may want to work with illustrating and graphics.
-look into illustration opportunities
-once i get a newer body of work put together, look for shows. Thats not really anything new but i know that i need to care about my work instead of just letting it chill in my closet and letting the ideas chill in my brain.
-possibly go to hair school (I'm still uncertain, but we shall just see).
-travel somewhere for the freedom and new experiences because i know i need to branch out! Ive never had the urge to travel, and yet all the wonderful movies about finding yourself and growing and getting through pain have to do with traveling so i'm thinking they may be on to something.
-feel even more like myself and be better than the katie i was yesterday. i know i don't need to change Anything about myself EXCEPT for finding comfort. I need to grow more confident with who i am and find strength. I want it, so i will make it happen and it'll be beautiful. I will feel beautiful.
And yeah, there are totally more but its 4 am so i can't think as well as i'd like.
So. There you have it. I feel like i have goals to reach and it feels good. I feel good. Things are good. Im a legally driving adult with a job and goals. Ive been a whirlwind of emotion for the last year and considering i've been a pretty balanced and level headed girl all of my life, it was do much tougher than it should have been.
There are a select group of people that i couldn't be more thankful for having in my life to go through this journey with. I Love them so much. They've dealt with shit and put me through shit and they've helped me to really see who is important and what's so important about me. Their existence in y life just adds to the joy!
Here's one more goal...
become emma stone. I know i am me and my own person and i shouldn't wish to be someone else, but i am pretty sure if you mix emma stone and every character she has played and sprinkle a little bit of juno mcguff on top, you have my spirit animal. They say and do what i wish i was ballsy and witty enough to say and do. Emma stone's confidence and balance of funny and beautiful is the most admirable thing and really, to be monumentally cheesy, she is what i feel like on the inside. Lol so there is that.

i usually add an image of some kind. i didn't last time i wrote. it felt weird. so here's a koala :)