hopefully soon

for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

***

i've felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy. that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy. usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.

***
A leads to B

A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.

the cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.

the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...

...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.

do i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.

do i allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine. that wall is difficult to break.

B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.

the cause: see A

the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"

i believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.

***

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
                                              by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"

this song sparked an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not by now, what good is this rant to you, really.

***

it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.

Reflex

i wrote this at work. not revised in any way, but i figured, why not. sok tho...i'm over it.


 Reflex:

it's just a cycle. it's what i'm used to. an automatic reflex.
it feels robotic. i didn't even realize that the path that i've taken is the path i've ALWAYS taken.
the familiarity. it doesn't even register until it's too late and i'm stuck in my pattern.
my reflexive state.
my cycle of "comfort."

finding comfort in what we know but not what is good.
it's a terrible addiction so many have.
turning towards the familiar darkness instead of embracing the light.
the new uncertain light.

it's just a reflex.

-k

FATES

What's to be shall be.
they know.
came and gone.
Come and go.
they know the secrets.
It must occur.
its meant to be.
Its fate.
They know.
he knows.
what's to be shall be.

 i haven't added anything in a while. been really preoccupied with my gorgeous house and some new experiences. happy to be to busy with life to sit down and write down my thoughts, but bummed i also don't feel the need. instead of spilling my guts out, as of late i've just wanted to write in cryptic metaphors of what i hope is considered beauty. so i guess that's what i'll keep doing until i really need to let it out.

-k

movin on up!

moved across town! it feels great! it's new and calm and it feels mature and just....right. you know?! it feels right! i'm hoping that it will bring me some motivation and keep me excited for new things. new beginnings. new life. i feel rejuvenated. 

there's nothing else i really feel like talking about. life feels good right now and i'm hoping things can only get better from here.

here's some joy :)

-k

time may change me but i can't trace time...

what's to come:
-one of my best friends, former roommate, girl who's been through so much with and without me is finally GETTING MARRIED to the man of her dreams. she's finally ready and it's finally time.
-i'm moving from my apartment to a house and don't have any intention of moving til i am asked to marry someone as well(if it could work out like that).
-i'm getting another tattoo reflecting my growth and intense changes i've been making. realizing my personality overhaul is a terrifying and crazy and beautiful thing. need to express the joy through ink/art.
-the minute i get the time and the money, i'm taking my driving test and getting my fucking license. it's been too long and i'm finally willing.
-i plan to get a new phone once i can afford that as well.
-my hair needs a change again.

with all the new crazy changes happening, im feeling happily influenced to pursue finally making an art page on facebook and an etsy account. it's going to be great!i'm going to use my new surroundings and what will feel almost like a new life to let everything else bloom from it.

i'm going to be even more consistent with this damn thing.

tangent:
a friend from church is also getting married this weekend. she talked of her journal to her future husband that she had been writing for a while now(even before she met her fiance). her fiance read it and the experience sounded beautiful. to be able to show that man  what your past and future hopes and dreams are and to let that man know that he is fulfilling all of these written dreams by just being himself. imagine how amazing he must feel and how nervous. hopefully it's the good kinda nervous that makes you always on your toes but ready to be amazing daily. i feel like it'd be the type of nervous the president feels every morning. so much responsibility and so much strength/power. it'll scare ya shitless but you'll feel like you're walking on air. i hope my future husband feels like that when he hears and sees my "journal". my friend made me want to start my own version. it sounds rejuvenating. i'm DOIN IT!

im hopeful for what's next. scared, but hopeful!

i've lost people and i've gained people in my life. it'd be great if we could only gain, but for some unexplained reason, balance is important. thankfully, the people i have gained are helping to make all of these wonderfully big-feeling changes happen. thanks to them, i am growing into more of me.
-k

xray.

it just feels right to post this :)


Look inside. 
Pass the layers of skin.
Pass the bones.
pass the veins.
Pass the muscle, the tissue, and then
view my heart.

Know that heart.
Every crack, every bruise, every rupture
And every stitch.
Every part that's been beaten and torn.
Every damaged artery.
Every mended and patched piece.
Study.
learn.
Know.

Peer inside.

know the reason for its pulsing beat.
the reason warm blood flows.
Find my soul.

thrive amongst a hive

hive:
    -a place swarming with activity.
    -a teeming crowd. a multitude.

i found a new tranquility. a new joy.
i realized i need to keep moving and keep being involved in the world to not only be happy, but also, so live. to have energy. to move. the more activity i am a part of, the more active and happy i feel.
alone time is good and all, but its not as good as the awesome energy of togetherness and activity.
in that energy. in that hive, i am calm. i am content. i am not anxious or fearful. i am happy.

i haven't been happy for a while. first i was slowly getting lower and lower and lower. then i hit what felt like the bottom. since that floor-hitting moment, i've been getting higher and higher again. high on life and happy again. regaining logic, perspective and optimism. feeling like someone that deserves love and that CAN love well. it feels great. i have a renewed hope. and it's all thanks to God, life and the "hive."

the hive. the energetic world of amazing people that i was once a part of, but was distant from for a while. that beautiful lively world. old friends and new friends. get-togethers. hookah. weddings. movie nights. dancing. parties. concerts. art shows. shopping. it's life. its great and it is what i need to focus on. the energy.

some of my favorite guys help me with the joy sometimes :)
https://www.facebook.com/EarthVersusTheHive?fref=ts

check'm out.

-k