melancholy toe tapping: guest list anxiety.

 In about 1 month, my fiance' and i will be starting the official wedding planning process!! let the worry begin!

It's definitely exciting because we will get to to make our website, and design our invitations and programs, but it's more than nerve wracking as we are also starting to really narrow down our guest list. let me make this more clear: OUR GUEST LIST! I'm freaking out because it's stupidly a big deal. My first thought when i think of wedding guests is "friends and loved ones. people who we'd wana celebrate with." that's true, but it's so much more than that.

This is really what your potential guest list looks like:

• your best friends
• your old friends you still kind of keep in touch with but not really
• immediate family
• extended family that you think you're decently close to because your family is 3,000,000 people+
• most definitely the "elders" of the families
• your parents best friends
• your boss
• your coworkers
• that guy who makes your coffee every tuesday
• people whose weddings you were in because you fear rules
• EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER SMILED AT(and for me, that's a lot)
• don't forget the PLUS ONES

Now this is a bit of a stretch from the truth, but seriously not by much. guest lists are hard if you care about feelings even a little. some of these guests are totally important, and some really need to accept that you are just not that close...or that there are people closer that fit better into the 200ish seats. it's so hard to determine importance when it comes to your big day, because you want to invite everyone, but sadly, that's just not going to happen. believe me, i try, and when i try, i get a tiny little Regina George yelling in my ear and i get sad.

It's definitely emotionally draining to even think about the guest list, let alone, make one. a tentative one already exists, it's the REAL one that terrifies me, but it's a fear that i am definitely going to have to conquer if i want to be happy and calm during the rest of the wedding preparation. i must relax so we can narrow it down.

Alright. since i know i will have to attempt yoga a good 10 or more times til the wedding so i don't have weekly freak-outs, let's accept it and move on to what people consider the second scariest thing about a wedding guest list...

No, i'm not talking about the super boy-band-looking christian group (i honestly didn't know they were a thing until i looked it up. yay google.)

Plus-ones can be super tricky. Some weddings don't have them to save space, which sounds nice for the bride and groom, but not so nice for the guests who have to go alone when they already aren't much for "people-ing" as it is. conversating(yes i said conversating) and interacting with others at a big function can be super scary and draining for some people, especially without that one person you dragged along with you to cling to.
So, I'm all for plus-ones. sometimes. some people honestly may not get them. some people may get them and then i will immediately regret letting it happen because maybe i won't like the person they invite. maybe i didn't invite THAT person for a reason...

annnnnd, maybe i'm reaching and over thinking it all.

honestly, as the bride, plus-ones can be exciting. i love meeting new people who's names aren't ones i should have already remembered because they are family and the last time i saw them i was 5. these people are new. new can be nice.
and then there's the the plus-ones who you actually know and you realize they are actually brought as your cousin or friend's date and you get all giddy and excited for potential love like an annoying cupid. yes, i'm that type of person.

Now that all that has been said, i'm going to leave this here.

Thanks for reading :)
-k/r

melancholy toe tapping: passig the time without truly letting time pass (***with BONUS section**)

so, here we are, July 28th and still ELEVEN MONTHS AWAY from my wedding. it seems like it's at least a decade away. thankfully it's not, but goodness the waiting is rough. especially when you are in a long distance relationship on top of it. my daily emotional state causes me to be rather robotic. i think to myself,  "must pass time....must do things....must do stuff." so i'm super anal-retentive and listy and don't always feel like i can function appropriately, but i sure as hell try.

like "i have jobs to do. i must do them til june 26th or i'll die".

and then sometimes that robotic productive loon turns into a mopey little ball of sad who well get things done...eventually.

so, yeah, that can be rough.
thankfully i get out of those slumps really quick and get right back into worker-bee mode because i realize something: all i really want to do is pass the time. i want to let time pass until i can "start my life" and i truly, madly, deeply don't want to do anything else. but that is a wish that can/should not be granted, because that is a sad and unhealthy way to live. you should never live your life just waiting for the next best thing, the next weekend, the next holiday, your next vacation, to find the one, etc. instead of waiting for the next "big moment" in your life, you should enjoy every day until that moment arrives. yes, that moment may still be very important, but you shouldn't treat other moments as if they are worth nothing, as if your time was worth nothing.

here's a sports analogy for you (i know, weird, right?):
you're into the second half of a game, you love playing and you're good so you will obviously be chosen to play, but you actively choose to sit on the sidelines and wait for the game to be over because you are just so excited for your team's next game.
YOU DON'T DO THAT.
PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT.
YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
it's silly and pointless and a waist of precious time you could be spending on other things, like actually being a part of the game.

sometimes you may want to live your life like that player.
i've wanted to before and i probably will relapse and want to again, especially while i'm still so far away from my fiance' and just waiting til i FINALLY get to marry him.
it will be difficult but you, i, we all must try to pass our time wisely.
we must try to enjoy that time we have between big endeavors or joy will be much harder to come by.

i feel that the idea of passing time wisely is really the idea of finding peace in the everyday truly using what God has given you.

here's a little idea of how i have peace and attempt patience until my precious nuptials....
(ps: im so proud of the alliteration in that sentence. just sayin)

i have many lists and many ideas and many goals and MUCH WEDDING TO PLAN :D
here's a list...

bucket list for the time being

• make a t-shirt quilt
• apply to more art shows
• grow out my hair
• get in better shape
• make many new pieces of art work
• refine and tweak my wardrobe
• get better at hula hooping
• slowly but surely fix up my parents' house
• make many new articles of clothing
• visit with multiple friends in multiple regions
• get a lot of family time
• learn french
• read more
• work with my mother to make my wedding dress
• save up money for marriage, loans, and life
• get a couple more tattoos

that's just to name a few, and those are some pretty broad bullet points. i just want to say, i am so excited to accomplish every one plus many more as a wait for june to come. it shall be a long tedious journey of sometimes wanting to just curl in a ball and wait, but i will fight. i will enjoy my days til i enjoy them even more with my husband at my side.

i was going to end it here, but i had an idea.

ok, here's a fun little pop culturey nerd tangent. i'm going to compare the rules to surviving zombieland to surviving the time until [insert what you're waiting for here]  and see how they match up. in my case it'd be this,

RULES:how to survive the time until the wedding:

1. cardio (because dresses and wedding night and healthy living and stuff)
2. double tap (heheheheheehehe not yet)
3. beware of bathrooms (because on the wedding day, being the bride, you will hate them)
4. wear seat belts (because it's the law and you don't want to die)
5. no attachments (because too many frills can be a bad thing, especially in those bathrooms)
6. cast iron skillet (because rapunzel)
7. travel light (because you will have to learn for your future of constant migration and tiny apartments for hubby's work and because your cat will want to sit in your luggage)
8. get a kickass partner (this one just makes you bitter about the wait again.....do more cardio and try not to think about it)
9. with your bare hands (do some yard work, because you're a badass who should get some sun)
10. don't swing low (sweet chariot? this is not applicable)
11. use your foot (and try on ALL THE SHOES til you find some to go with that dress)
12. bounty paper towels (because you spill shit a lot and that will never stop)
13. shake it off (because taylor swift said so)
14. always carry a change of underwear (because reasons regarding bowels, apparently)
15. bowling ball (because bowling is a fun pass time)
16. opportunity knocks (this one's vague)
17. don't be a hero (or be one, if the moment required of course)
18. limber up (hehehehe...)
19. break it up (remind people to stop thinking their opions have validity in regards to YOUR wedding, because for the most part, they don't)
20. it's a marathon, not a sprint, unless it's a sprint, then sprint (this sounds like more cardio, but i'm tired now so no)
21. avoid strip clubs (that's a give-in)
22. when in doubt, know your way out (this sounds like a runaway bride scenario, not applicable)
23. ziplock (pack ALL THE LUNCHES, you're saving for a wedding)
24. use your thumbs ( tetris cant win it's self, SON!)
25. shoot first (because if you're playing anything other than tetris, it is all you'll know how to do)
26. a little sunscreen never hurt anybody (HOLY FREAKIN CHRISTMAS CAKE, FACCCCT!!)
27. incoming! (...this truly seems unnecessary)
28. double-knot your shows ( because you do it every day, so why stop now?)
29. the buddy system (again, sadness, therefore, cardio, unless i'm still tired)
30. pack your stain stick (because of the spilling)
31. check the backseat (because you may have left decorations back there and they need to be in specific boxes with the correct labels and images on them)
32. enjoy the little things (now i want a twinky)
33. swiss army knife ( because a nail kit can only be so helpful with everyday use)
34. clean socks (are always in my sock drawer)

well i found that quite beneficial. 

did you?

thanks for dealing with this snarky read.

k/r

engaged, lonely, and obsessive.

Ok, so here's my life right now:

- I got Engaged over Christmas Eve!!!! WOOOT!

- My fiance' got a new awesome job in Montreal that just started.

- I'm in Bowling Green working, saving, living life as normal, but with a wedding to plan.

(also, one of my roommates is also engaged, and that should factor in)

So, if you couldn't tell, I'm happy, sad and extremely excited to be married to the love of my life. The wedding isn't until June of next year, but I'm also very into party-planning. I ADORE IT. Planning a party of any kind is seriously one of the most fun ways i could spend my day. Party planning, shopping, painting, and changing my hair.  Now considering the circumstances, I should be saving money, so I shouldn't shop. I also want to grow my hair out for the wedding, so no crazy changes. That leaves party planning and painting and I have to really be in the mood to paint. So, party planning to brighten any sad IS THE ANSWER!!! ding ding ding!! As of late, that is all I've been doing with the help of my engaged roommate and my wonderful mother.

On top of my love for a well-planned party, I also have discovered that I have a rather obsessive personality. Lately, Ive been thinking more and more about how far away my fiance' is and how difficult it will be to physically see him for at least 3 months. I still need to get my passport(which I should be getting very soon), but I also need to be able to save up money for a visit to and from while also saving for the wedding.  Did I mention that I'd need time off from work which means less money. It's all difficult. Thinking about all of that, I am even more aware of how I won't see him for a while. Therefore, I am a bit mopey(off and on) but to prevent the mope, I do something that brightens my mood.

As you notice above, these two topics relate :D

I'm using the lovely wedding to distract myself from missing my man. It feels like the perfect distraction because I can not only accomplish a lot, but it also includes him, and his family, and his opinion. You'd think it'd just make me miss him more but it actually does the opposite which is why it's so perfect. So, I'm basically wedding planning as I wait for Josh to return or I wait to join him. Whichever comes first.

As I mentioned, I am rather obsessive at times. Thankfully I'd like to think that I have really honed it and learned to focus this obsessive nature. Once my heart gets set on something, it's the main thing that I think about.  I do think that in general, I'd obsess a bit about my wedding because it's an exciting time for a girl. It almost feels like human nature. We hear so much about newly engaged girls getting so excited and so obsessed. Whelp, I now have the wedding bug. 

Now, when Josh first got his job, the talk of it being a 3 month gig was in the air. That may or may not still be true.  Hopefully it's longer, but no matter what, I probably won't get to see him til after that 3 month mark because I still need a good amount of time to plan a visit. Therefore, with the normal excited bride-to-be syndrome and my excitedly obsessive nature, this wedding could be all planned by that 3 month mark because I'm a nut. I got this. 

Thanks for listening.
-k/r

flux

Most people are at a constant state of flux.

flux

fləks/

noun

noun: flux; plural noun: fluxes

1. 1.

   the action or process of flowing or flowing out.

   
   
2. 
   
3. 2.

   continuous change.

   
   

   

   
   

Yes, we are living breathing human people who have organs that constantly so we can live. that doesn't stop until we die. Though that is true, it is not what i am talking about. I am referring to what seems to be everyone's need to change. Now, when i say "everyone" I know that I am generalizing, but I also feel that people need to transition from one thing to the next in some fashion. Everyone is different.

What i mean when i use the term fluxing...

So many people I encounter day feel the need to change something in their lives. They don't seem to change that thing only once, but rather frequently. For some people, it can be like clockwork, but for others it can be quite sporadic. Some examples are as follows:

-changing the color of your hair often
-not sticking to the same job for too long
-traveling or moving a lot
-regularly updating or changing your clothing style
-getting a new tattoo or piercing
-collecting
-being in and out of relationships

These are only some examples, but these are the ones that i tend to see most often.

Now, there is an actual reason why i bring this topic up. I promise.
This isn't just a random thing like "i'm going to state this thing. not state my opinion, but a thing"
This isn't one of those moments.
Anyhoo, the reason for this brain goop------>
This idea of constantly changing and never able to sit still or stick to something because of boredom tends to be considered a bad thing. From my point of view, it is looked down upon. People who "have their life together" tend to put down this fluxing attitude and point it out as a negative thing that must be cured. like a disease or ailment to heal from over time. It is as if it something that should be fixed. And, well, that's dumb.
*cough cough NOT ALWAYS, THOUGH cough cough*

Like...

changing the color of your hair often

"i change my hair every week and a half dude, get used to it"

some people may try to find a deep-set meaning to why someone changes something about their aesthetics so frequently and get all psychological and philosophical, but it's possible that all of those ideas are unnecessary because hair grows and it is easily changed, so why not have fun with it?

------

That is only one example, but hopefully you catch what i'm throwing out there. i just thought that out all examples to use, that's an entertaining one. And I think I'm right, don't you? ;)

One could see both positives and negatives to possibly all fluxxing situations, the key here is that we should be focusing on the maturity and growth of the person. But, you know, some people just suck at being people like they should be people. It's fact.

I guess I just want to point out how beautiful it is to constantly grow and change with the seasons. This part of the human condition [I believe] can be so freeing and relaxing. sometimes we just need to take a sharp turn in a different direction, and that is ok.  I'm not saying it's always ok. There are definitely some habits that adults or people becoming adults should learn to grow out of, but not all of them. Some of them are just good for the soul. that sounds cheesy. I like cheesy. Its GOOD FOR THE SOUL. And it is beautiful.

But remember kids...

Thanks, k/r

Lappy love & Resolutions revisited: a nice little update

Lappy Love

alright, laptop acquired. i finally have a computer, thanks to my wonderful boyfriend. he gave me his old one and now i can be a normal 20something who follows youtube channels, online news articles, and takes a copious amount of quizzes!! woot!!

i can now...
1. create word documents
2. watch movies in my room
3. keep up with youtube channels like eat your kimchi
4. actually pay attention to the news and current events
5. pin even more frequently than i already do
6. set up my website and update other pages from home
7. not need to go to the library as much
8. BLOG...yeah. happening.
9. probably more, but nothing important enough for me to remember on my own.
10. and find memes like the one below :D

so, thank you to my awesome gentleman of a boyfriend!!

P.S. my laptop's name is sparkles magillicuddy the third. it's desktop background is ...

so, now that that little bit of word-vomit joy has been spewed, here's something else :D

Resolutions Revisited

it has been a bit more than half a year since i decided to have my first official new years resolutions!! it's been a really awesome journey so far and i guess i just wanted to update you all on my progress or lack of progress depending on the subject.

to recap my list, here's my list:

1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.

HEALTH in actuality: my work out schedule is a bit on the irregular side, but i have lost a few pounds, been taking better vitamins, and my dietary plan is a lot healthier than it used to be while also being a lot better for my digestive problems. i do feel like i've been getting more regular hours of sleep nightly, but i'm still not the best at mornings. i need to work on that whole "morning" thing as coffee is starting to become less effective. i almost never drink energy drinks anymore and only on rare occasions do i have a soda(yes, i said soda.) i have yet to run, i walk a bit more, i dont do yoga yet, and i slightly hoola hoop but have't really done that in a month. TONIGHT i shall work out a bit, and tomorrow i shall do a lot of walking and maybe start back into hooping. we shall see :)

2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.

READING: i have been reading the bible off and on, basically been listening to an audio book of Mere Christianity (narrated by my boyfriend), and been slowly reading a memoir by Sting called Broken Music. this is all of the extra-curricular reading i have been doing since january. womp womp.

3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.

ART: i've painted a lot and drawn a lot!! been updating my etsy, pinterest and facebook. need to update my tumblr and create my website soon. I've sold 2 pieces from my newest series and have more possible buyers. I have multiple places in the area wanting to have my work displayed in their shops! so far, the art front is going magnificently!!!! I do need to look into shows, but nothing i have found so far is all that appealing or soon. I also have a book about being a freelance artist that i need to read! definitely more to do, but i'm feeling good about it!

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a7/1f/42/a71f428042a5b248e400d9534c2ac799.jpg

4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.

HAIR: i wrote that when i had dark hair...it is now white blonde again but that one drastic change happened, and since then i have been doing things gradually with my hair. hoping to even try growing it out :D

5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

FASHION: still in progress and i know i haven't taken a picture every single day like i planned to, but i'm trying. 

so that's life for now. thats how im doing. i'd definitely give myself a C+/B- on the resolution accomplishments, but hey, i still have a few months til a new new year comes around and by then there will be even more things to accomplish in life. 

i couldn't be more excited!!

-k/r

inferiority complex

i've come to a conclusion. (now, mind you, this may be something i've thought about and even written about before, but i apparently forgot. i guess it's something i need to keep considering)

having someone in your life constantly reminding you of your beauty and greatness, and then noticing how much you tend to disagree, really helps you work on yourself. (idk if commas were supposed to go there. i'm, over, it.)
anyhoo, here's what i'm saying: i think i'm a strong beautiful woman who will stick up for herself and be upfront and confident in life. i think this is what i CAN be, but the more i really truly think about it, this isn't how i act on the regular. usually i have a strong opinion, but i don't let it out and i back away in situations where someone else wants to be the center of attention. this can be a good. i can just let others not bother me and let them do their thing and not care what people think. buuuut, i'm bad at that, it seems. instead i'm more timid and feel kind of inferior. i am only now realizing it more and more because i have an awesome man in my life(yes i am talking about him AGAIN. i'm happy. get over it) who has to hear me talk so negatively about myself. i don't do it to many others. he gets it all. and i couldn't be more thankful for his love. seriously. i just wish he didn't have to hear it because i wish i didn't want to say it. with that, i'm trying to understand where it came from.
why do i struggle wih confidence?
what in my past has led to my sometimes ill-feelings of my self?

so...a little hint of my past.
-i grew up having many friends. many people i cared for. many people that you can even say i cared too much for. for many years i've focused too much on putting the needs of others before my own, that sometimes i'd let it get so bad that i'd let "friends" walk all over me----> thus, pushover-katie was born.

-there have been specific moments with friend old friends and some acquaintances, where there was an unnecessary rivalry. like, i'd come upon a girl. we'd become friends because of our surface-level similarities, and then i'd notice a glimmer of competition in her eye. whether it was over a boy, or an outfit, a tattoo, or anything, really, it felt like this other girl at that time would feel the need to be the center of attention in any situation. she needed to be center stage even for just an audience of one.since this has happened so often, i kinda just let it go(tho i will admit, there were moments i competed right back. but that cattyness SHOULD only last so long, and if i'm lucky, not at all). most of the time, i'd let whoever was competing "win" more or less. i'd back away, but not in an "ok i'll let you do you're thing and be bitchy while i watch you act like a fool" kind of way, more in the "you have succeeded at making me feel like shit. i shall be in this corner" kind of way.----pushover-katie, the saga continues...

-then i had the people that disapproved of my choices(that's kind of a different realm but still totally relates). i had the people who thought me being an artist was dumb or the people that mocked my tattoos or my hair. then i'd have the people who never truly told me how they felt, but because i judged them by their seemingly snooty nature, i assumed they judged me back and looked down on me for my future plans, or lack there-of(that's a lot of my own assumptions getting to me). ---> is and was all complete bullshit because i really don't know when i started to take others' opinions so seriously. this isn't their life, and the day i decided they had a hand in it was they day i got dumb.

yep.
that's a bit of my life. looking back on it, i know i'm not alone with these struggles. so that's cool. it's just if so many people encounter struggles like this or have issues with feeling inferior or lack confidence, how do they make things better? how do they strengthen themselves and gain a backbone? how do they gain confidence? i'm trying to make a guess and figure out it, but what i also want to know, is why are these past experiences getting to me now? why does it take FOREVER for me to process feelings? it took me about 6 years to feel like a truly recovered from a painful relationship that changed me. SIX YEARS and i still think i sometimes regress and have to remember to be strong and happy in life. i guess i am finally really dealing with the confidence problems i have had over the years. i guess i'm finally coping and learning and HOPEFULLY, if all goes well, growing from it.

sooooooo, now that you have gotten this far, you are allowed to read the final portion...
the list.
my thoughts.
what i've learned.
ready, set, go:
1. keeping unkind people away from your heart is probs a good thing. by probs i mean TOTALLY.
2. really thinking about your hopes, dreams, goals, and loves will help you remember what matters, and hopefully focusing on what matters in your own life, will help you to not worry about other peoples' opinions of you and your life.
3. YOU control your life. no one else.
4. loving boyfriends make things better.
5. maybe people try to compete with you because they consider you a threat. how BA is that?
6. focus on what makes you happy and never forget to pamper yourself every once in a while.
7. sometimes with a set life plan who then follow it to a tee aren't happy, because they only focus on the plan, and not what puts a smile on their face.(i may be wrong but i think i have seen examples of this from time to time).

so yeah yeah yeah there's 7 cool thoughts to consider.

ALSO, here's some cool things i'm personally going to try to do now that i have sat down and thought about way more than i planned to:
1. i'm going to try not to dwell on the past so much.
2. instead of thinking about the rough relationships that i have had and moved on from, i should focus on the great relationships i still have that make me a better person every day.
3. i'm going to focus on what/who makes me happy.
4. i think i'm going to do a bit of pampering very soon. sometimes it's just good for the soul :)
5. i'm gunna pray, but that's just me.

 

from revolutions to resolutions

i've never been one to participate in the act of making new years resolutions. never felt the need to change my life so intensely that i needed to document it any fashion or have a specific "starting point" for my endeavors. i guess, without really acknowledging that i had an opinion about resolutions, i had a strong opinion. i was anti-resolution. i found it arbitrary and never understood why so many people SUDDENLY had multiple things that they wanted to change about their lives every year around the 31st of December. i felt that people were forcing themselves into a ritual and i felt that to be...well, stupid.

this year i finally got it. i still don't understand how some people honestly have new years resolutions every year and i STILL believe that some people do force themselves into the ritual because they think it is what they are supposed to do. BUT, i also finally see the point. it's no longer arbitrary to me. at least, not this year.

2013 was a very difficult and wonderful year. i've talked about a great deal of my hardships and triumphs when it comes to my own personal growth over this year and i'm happy to say that i feel like i've accomplished a lot. it has gotten me to a point in life where bigger and better changes must be considered.
for example: i have an amazing boyfriend that i can't help but gush about.

 this, of course, develops thoughts of the future. im considering my monetary standing, my artistic career, my health and anything else that would be important to me anyone else in my life from here on out.

it is no longer arbitrary. i am at a point in my life where i need to start reevaluating and reworking a lot. i like the idea of picking the start to the new year to begin the changes. i understand why when January comes around, so do many new plans, hopes, and dreams for many people.

so...here it is.
my list of new years resolutions.
read, set, go...(also, it's in categories)
1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.
2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.
3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.
4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.
5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

so there's that.
now #5 is more of a personal challenge for me. it's addressing the fact that i have way more than i need. so many people have so little in this world and yet i have so much that don't even wear or use. this challenge will force me to actually wear what i seem to love too much to let go, but also show me what i can remove from my wardrobe and hopefully give away or sell.
 i don't want to go too much into that right now as that will officially begin on the first and there will be photo documentation to show my progress :) im excited for this challenge and my others as well.

happy new year and god bless.
-kr

never- the things i want to tell you, but i'm not even good at telling myself.

haven't written in a while but i have a lot of thoughts and plans that i am so excited to write about. figured it start off with some fun thoughts.

ready, set, go.

i have some opinions, views, ideals. whatever you'd like to call them. they're a bunch of nevers. a bunch of random things i don't think should be done. they're silly. nothing too serious. it seemed like a good choice for my first blog since my emotional distress over the last year. once we feel any bit of "recovery" or some sort of closure, it only seems right to talk of something more surfacey. more fun.

i guess its like this:
you feel like you were in deep waters for a very long time(the time is circumstantial and based on your own personal view of hardship, of course). you finally pull yourself out or get pulled out. you've been saved or were actually able to save yourself or a mixture of the two. now, you're back on the shore. completely safe but only because you're not attempting to get back in the water, even the most shallow. eventually, when you're feeling prepared or comfortable, you put a toe in. this is my "toe in"

the silly, arbitrary acts and thoughts and well, nothing of depth or great importance. it could be important and meaningful, but not right now. right now it's just thought. soon there will be importance. soon there will be deeper thoughts and cares and beliefs. til then, here's some nevers...

-never apologize for being yourself unless yourself is an asshole.
-never be confused by your own fashion choices. if you like it, wear it (but stay classy).
-never feel uncomfortable around your closest friends. you should be able to dance naked holding a chicken and they should at least laugh. if they get you enough, they'll start dancing too.
-never overindulge. i may be wrong, but every time i have, in anything, it's gone poorly.
-never underestimate yourself. if you do, so will the world.
-never lesten to your heart and never listen to your head, but always listen to both.
-never think you're entitled to anything.
-never don't wear heels. i know that's a double negative, my apologies. but wear heels sometimes. i'm bad at it too but it just feels good. i personally feel more poised and put together and classy(depending on the heel) and come on, your ass looks great. unless you legit can't do it.
-never intensely follow fashion magazines when it says "looks to lose". if you follow shit like that so strongly, you have no style for yourself. but again, keep it classy.

that's all i got. there will be more tho. i know i will always have opinions.
-k

so much good!

About a year ago today i began to really feel lost. That quarter-life crisis had begun and there was so much more crisis-ing to come that i couldn't have been less prepared for. At this point, it had only been a summer since graduating from college and the plan i had since age 9 had ended. I crossed the finish line. All i knew that i wanted in life was to go to bg for art. Thats about as far as my life planning got other than marriage and babies. I never cared about a career. I never wanted to travel the world. I didnt really want to do anything. I wasnt even that rebellious until like 2 years ago and if there are levels for rebellion im like a trainee, and totally cool with it. really. I was living on my simple little cloud until it just disappeared when i was handed my empty diploma folder and told to smile for the camera. From that point, my plan was to look for a job and live with my friends. Check. Mini mission accomplished. And then i really realized how dreary and boring my world was and how scared i was to really embrace the bigger world. AND THEN i also realized i didnt give a shit. There was nothing that i wanted to do. I didnt really care about making a difference, being an artist, or pursuing anything. Didnt even want to help and love people as i always used to. I was sucked dry of my love for others and myself. Sounds rather emotional, and damn is that accurate. To add to the emotional distress over my fears and uncertainties, the only thing that i new i wanted for my life was something that i could not do alone. I wanted a legitimate healthy relationship that leads to marriage and children. Thats definitely still something i have on my "hope agenda" but thats another rant, entirely.
Anyhoo, instead i had a few minor romantic moments but nothing right. whether it was them, or me, or both, no dice. So i did what every lost single white female college graduate with an ART degree would do. I kinda just tried to ignore my sorrows and carry on with life until i finally had a meltdown or two. Kept doin what i was doin. Or "kept on truckin" as the young folks say. That didn't last long. instead, it formed a roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I was happy and blissfully blind to what was wrong and then id be a depressed about how lost i felt and then again and again and so on, and you trackin with me family?
So there you have it. the obligatory katie disclaimer. I know I've written about it before and i know I've probably said the same thing in every different way possible since i decided to give a shit about my struggles and try to do something BUT heres something new: i actually think there's change. Things are happening. I can feel it. I don't have any major life goal other than the same old hope as usual, but i feel purpose again. I feel more like myself. AND i feel like this is only the beginning. It feels so good. Yes, there will be some momentary setbacks, but that's to be expected.
God it's so nice.
So, want to hear my life possibilities and small goals that you're going to hear/ read whether you'd like to or not, considering you're reading this? K cool.
So...
-go to disney world with my friends possibly within the next year
-save up for a computer and a scanner
-learn more about photoshop and other editing tools. Figured i should probably finally get with the times especially since i may want to work with illustrating and graphics.
-look into illustration opportunities
-once i get a newer body of work put together, look for shows. Thats not really anything new but i know that i need to care about my work instead of just letting it chill in my closet and letting the ideas chill in my brain.
-possibly go to hair school (I'm still uncertain, but we shall just see).
-travel somewhere for the freedom and new experiences because i know i need to branch out! Ive never had the urge to travel, and yet all the wonderful movies about finding yourself and growing and getting through pain have to do with traveling so i'm thinking they may be on to something.
-feel even more like myself and be better than the katie i was yesterday. i know i don't need to change Anything about myself EXCEPT for finding comfort. I need to grow more confident with who i am and find strength. I want it, so i will make it happen and it'll be beautiful. I will feel beautiful.
And yeah, there are totally more but its 4 am so i can't think as well as i'd like.
So. There you have it. I feel like i have goals to reach and it feels good. I feel good. Things are good. Im a legally driving adult with a job and goals. Ive been a whirlwind of emotion for the last year and considering i've been a pretty balanced and level headed girl all of my life, it was do much tougher than it should have been.
There are a select group of people that i couldn't be more thankful for having in my life to go through this journey with. I Love them so much. They've dealt with shit and put me through shit and they've helped me to really see who is important and what's so important about me. Their existence in y life just adds to the joy!
Here's one more goal...
become emma stone. I know i am me and my own person and i shouldn't wish to be someone else, but i am pretty sure if you mix emma stone and every character she has played and sprinkle a little bit of juno mcguff on top, you have my spirit animal. They say and do what i wish i was ballsy and witty enough to say and do. Emma stone's confidence and balance of funny and beautiful is the most admirable thing and really, to be monumentally cheesy, she is what i feel like on the inside. Lol so there is that.

i usually add an image of some kind. i didn't last time i wrote. it felt weird. so here's a koala :)

hopefully soon

for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

***

i've felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy. that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy. usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.

***
A leads to B

A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.

the cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.

the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...

...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.

do i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.

do i allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine. that wall is difficult to break.

B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.

the cause: see A

the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"

i believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.

***

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
                                              by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"

this song sparked an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not by now, what good is this rant to you, really.

***

it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.