melancholy toe-tapping: migratory fears

music.
sometimes music really gets to me. mind you, i was pms-ing at the time, but still. the other night, i decided to play an old cd from college while driving home from work. the music is beautiful and melancholy, and really perfect when you need a good cry. once one song came on, i discovered, apparently i needed that good cry.
the entire 25 minute left of my drive was spent bawling my eyes out and listening to the song on repeat.

the song is called "long coat on" by the Cincinnati(i think)-based duo, Ellery.
as i said, it's beautiful. take a listen.

https://vimeo.com/11684112

 

now all of their music is potentially tear-worthy, but this one really hit home as of late.

as i've stated in past posts, i'm getting married and  probably moving to Canada. SUPER EXCITING!!! BUUUUT...

did i mention i've barely ever left ohio...and have only lived in one house(minus college) my whole life? and that i'm an only child with a very large extended family? and that i'm very close to both of my parents?

here are some lyrics do gie you a little idea of where i'm at(it's kind of ridiculous):

"it was a long winter for katie...one day katie'd finally go..."

"...she was waving her hat in her hand when she said goodbye..."

"mama stood there gawking by the doorway, she'd never guess she'd finally go..."

NOW, that's only a small portion of the water-work educing lyrics. the rest had to do with her really wanting to get out of where she was, finally experiencing the world, and leaving everyone behind.

 so yeah, it gets worse.

 every. single. line. of this song affected me. most of it felt like it was speaking to me, saying exactly how i've been feeling only because i want to move on with my life and be married and be with my favorite person every day for the rest of my life. the rest of it just brought all my fears to  my attention at the same time.

 

my fears post wedding: 

1. living in a new place(especially new country with a slight to complete language barrier)
2. not being able to find a job, especially with a language barrier getting in the way, and because of that, be an intense burden on my husband causing him to pull all the weight in the income department
3. being so far away from most friends and loved ones and not being able to make many new friends
4. making people feel like i'm abandoning them
5. feeling alone(i will have josh, which is such an intense blessing, but with his work schedule, it might be more lonely than lovely)
6. missing my parents
7. not being able to contribute and feeling quite worthless
8. feeling stupid for not understanding those around me like at least %60 of the time

so there's that.
lately, josh and i haven been talking about future travels and plans and every time we've talked, i've just gotten sad and scared and couldn't voice exactly why. this song played, and everything came to light. we talked things out through my tears and let me just say, no matter how terrified i am of the future, i couldn't be more excited for it! life is going to be scary. new things will happen and a lot will change, but i need to keep reminding myself that it is an adventure and i should trust in god and try not to be fearful when i have such a wonderful life ahead of me.

 

thanks for reading.

love, k/r

melancholy toe tapping: passig the time without truly letting time pass (***with BONUS section**)

so, here we are, July 28th and still ELEVEN MONTHS AWAY from my wedding. it seems like it's at least a decade away. thankfully it's not, but goodness the waiting is rough. especially when you are in a long distance relationship on top of it. my daily emotional state causes me to be rather robotic. i think to myself,  "must pass time....must do things....must do stuff." so i'm super anal-retentive and listy and don't always feel like i can function appropriately, but i sure as hell try.

like "i have jobs to do. i must do them til june 26th or i'll die".

and then sometimes that robotic productive loon turns into a mopey little ball of sad who well get things done...eventually.

so, yeah, that can be rough.
thankfully i get out of those slumps really quick and get right back into worker-bee mode because i realize something: all i really want to do is pass the time. i want to let time pass until i can "start my life" and i truly, madly, deeply don't want to do anything else. but that is a wish that can/should not be granted, because that is a sad and unhealthy way to live. you should never live your life just waiting for the next best thing, the next weekend, the next holiday, your next vacation, to find the one, etc. instead of waiting for the next "big moment" in your life, you should enjoy every day until that moment arrives. yes, that moment may still be very important, but you shouldn't treat other moments as if they are worth nothing, as if your time was worth nothing.

here's a sports analogy for you (i know, weird, right?):
you're into the second half of a game, you love playing and you're good so you will obviously be chosen to play, but you actively choose to sit on the sidelines and wait for the game to be over because you are just so excited for your team's next game.
YOU DON'T DO THAT.
PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT.
YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
it's silly and pointless and a waist of precious time you could be spending on other things, like actually being a part of the game.

sometimes you may want to live your life like that player.
i've wanted to before and i probably will relapse and want to again, especially while i'm still so far away from my fiance' and just waiting til i FINALLY get to marry him.
it will be difficult but you, i, we all must try to pass our time wisely.
we must try to enjoy that time we have between big endeavors or joy will be much harder to come by.

i feel that the idea of passing time wisely is really the idea of finding peace in the everyday truly using what God has given you.

here's a little idea of how i have peace and attempt patience until my precious nuptials....
(ps: im so proud of the alliteration in that sentence. just sayin)

i have many lists and many ideas and many goals and MUCH WEDDING TO PLAN :D
here's a list...

bucket list for the time being

• make a t-shirt quilt
• apply to more art shows
• grow out my hair
• get in better shape
• make many new pieces of art work
• refine and tweak my wardrobe
• get better at hula hooping
• slowly but surely fix up my parents' house
• make many new articles of clothing
• visit with multiple friends in multiple regions
• get a lot of family time
• learn french
• read more
• work with my mother to make my wedding dress
• save up money for marriage, loans, and life
• get a couple more tattoos

that's just to name a few, and those are some pretty broad bullet points. i just want to say, i am so excited to accomplish every one plus many more as a wait for june to come. it shall be a long tedious journey of sometimes wanting to just curl in a ball and wait, but i will fight. i will enjoy my days til i enjoy them even more with my husband at my side.

i was going to end it here, but i had an idea.

ok, here's a fun little pop culturey nerd tangent. i'm going to compare the rules to surviving zombieland to surviving the time until [insert what you're waiting for here]  and see how they match up. in my case it'd be this,

RULES:how to survive the time until the wedding:

1. cardio (because dresses and wedding night and healthy living and stuff)
2. double tap (heheheheheehehe not yet)
3. beware of bathrooms (because on the wedding day, being the bride, you will hate them)
4. wear seat belts (because it's the law and you don't want to die)
5. no attachments (because too many frills can be a bad thing, especially in those bathrooms)
6. cast iron skillet (because rapunzel)
7. travel light (because you will have to learn for your future of constant migration and tiny apartments for hubby's work and because your cat will want to sit in your luggage)
8. get a kickass partner (this one just makes you bitter about the wait again.....do more cardio and try not to think about it)
9. with your bare hands (do some yard work, because you're a badass who should get some sun)
10. don't swing low (sweet chariot? this is not applicable)
11. use your foot (and try on ALL THE SHOES til you find some to go with that dress)
12. bounty paper towels (because you spill shit a lot and that will never stop)
13. shake it off (because taylor swift said so)
14. always carry a change of underwear (because reasons regarding bowels, apparently)
15. bowling ball (because bowling is a fun pass time)
16. opportunity knocks (this one's vague)
17. don't be a hero (or be one, if the moment required of course)
18. limber up (hehehehe...)
19. break it up (remind people to stop thinking their opions have validity in regards to YOUR wedding, because for the most part, they don't)
20. it's a marathon, not a sprint, unless it's a sprint, then sprint (this sounds like more cardio, but i'm tired now so no)
21. avoid strip clubs (that's a give-in)
22. when in doubt, know your way out (this sounds like a runaway bride scenario, not applicable)
23. ziplock (pack ALL THE LUNCHES, you're saving for a wedding)
24. use your thumbs ( tetris cant win it's self, SON!)
25. shoot first (because if you're playing anything other than tetris, it is all you'll know how to do)
26. a little sunscreen never hurt anybody (HOLY FREAKIN CHRISTMAS CAKE, FACCCCT!!)
27. incoming! (...this truly seems unnecessary)
28. double-knot your shows ( because you do it every day, so why stop now?)
29. the buddy system (again, sadness, therefore, cardio, unless i'm still tired)
30. pack your stain stick (because of the spilling)
31. check the backseat (because you may have left decorations back there and they need to be in specific boxes with the correct labels and images on them)
32. enjoy the little things (now i want a twinky)
33. swiss army knife ( because a nail kit can only be so helpful with everyday use)
34. clean socks (are always in my sock drawer)

well i found that quite beneficial. 

did you?

thanks for dealing with this snarky read.

k/r