melancholy toe-tapping: migratory fears

music.
sometimes music really gets to me. mind you, i was pms-ing at the time, but still. the other night, i decided to play an old cd from college while driving home from work. the music is beautiful and melancholy, and really perfect when you need a good cry. once one song came on, i discovered, apparently i needed that good cry.
the entire 25 minute left of my drive was spent bawling my eyes out and listening to the song on repeat.

the song is called "long coat on" by the Cincinnati(i think)-based duo, Ellery.
as i said, it's beautiful. take a listen.

https://vimeo.com/11684112

 

now all of their music is potentially tear-worthy, but this one really hit home as of late.

as i've stated in past posts, i'm getting married and  probably moving to Canada. SUPER EXCITING!!! BUUUUT...

did i mention i've barely ever left ohio...and have only lived in one house(minus college) my whole life? and that i'm an only child with a very large extended family? and that i'm very close to both of my parents?

here are some lyrics do gie you a little idea of where i'm at(it's kind of ridiculous):

"it was a long winter for katie...one day katie'd finally go..."

"...she was waving her hat in her hand when she said goodbye..."

"mama stood there gawking by the doorway, she'd never guess she'd finally go..."

NOW, that's only a small portion of the water-work educing lyrics. the rest had to do with her really wanting to get out of where she was, finally experiencing the world, and leaving everyone behind.

 so yeah, it gets worse.

 every. single. line. of this song affected me. most of it felt like it was speaking to me, saying exactly how i've been feeling only because i want to move on with my life and be married and be with my favorite person every day for the rest of my life. the rest of it just brought all my fears to  my attention at the same time.

 

my fears post wedding: 

1. living in a new place(especially new country with a slight to complete language barrier)
2. not being able to find a job, especially with a language barrier getting in the way, and because of that, be an intense burden on my husband causing him to pull all the weight in the income department
3. being so far away from most friends and loved ones and not being able to make many new friends
4. making people feel like i'm abandoning them
5. feeling alone(i will have josh, which is such an intense blessing, but with his work schedule, it might be more lonely than lovely)
6. missing my parents
7. not being able to contribute and feeling quite worthless
8. feeling stupid for not understanding those around me like at least %60 of the time

so there's that.
lately, josh and i haven been talking about future travels and plans and every time we've talked, i've just gotten sad and scared and couldn't voice exactly why. this song played, and everything came to light. we talked things out through my tears and let me just say, no matter how terrified i am of the future, i couldn't be more excited for it! life is going to be scary. new things will happen and a lot will change, but i need to keep reminding myself that it is an adventure and i should trust in god and try not to be fearful when i have such a wonderful life ahead of me.

 

thanks for reading.

love, k/r

you say you want a resolution? well, new year, new plan

So last year i had some new years resolutions set for the first time, possibly ever.
Now to follow up on these and finally rejoin the blogging world.
My resolutions:
-read more
-paint & draw
-apply to shows
-eat better and exercise
-lose weight/get fit
-document every day's attire
-don't shop
-get rid of clothes if i can
-keep hair color

Now i don't know if i really succeeded all that well in following through with these, but i do think i accomplished something. At least, I feel like i accomplished something. Lets go through the list.

Read more.
I think i told myself to read a book a month. Haha i( with my fiance) read 1 whole book. On my own, i've read half of 2. I've read multiple books of the bible but even that has been pretty sporadic. Now, you may think i failed. I do too, sort of. The thing is, i failed in accomplishing my written goal BUT i did not fail in reading. Usually i would read no physical book all year unless it was a couple books of the bible. My bible reading is usually even minimal. So, in the long run, i grew. I'm actually excited to continue reading in through this year. Hopefully next year i can say i've read 2 or 3 :)

Paint & draw.
Man did i succeed! I have painted so much this year and have so much more to paint! I have a website and have my work up in a gallery! My next plan is to search for new gallery shows to apply to, make new business cards, update my website even more and hopefully even start selling work! Maybe look into doing an "in house" gallery show!

Exercise and eat better and lose weight.
 Well i've exercised a little, i've been eating a lot better but its not constant, and i've not lost much weight but i have lost like a few inches. I have gotten close to my goal weight but it fluctuates. This next year i will be a lot more stern about my exercise and eating habits because I HAVE A WEDDING TO GET HOT FOR!! So i will have a smaller goal weight, i will eat cleaner, and work out more regularly.

Wardrobe focus.
I have documented many many outfits throughout the year tho i know i didn't do every day. Still, i'm pretty proud! I have shopped but i've also regularly gotten rid of clothes. Now, soon i will look through everything and take out what i haven't worn and attempt to sell it!!

Hair.
4 months into the new year, i changed it completely, BUUUUT since then it has been about the same AND i haven't cut it!!


Soooooo, there's my 2014. 
Now for 2015! 
praying for an awesome year. new list coming soon!

-k/r