melancholy toe-tapping: migratory fears

music.
sometimes music really gets to me. mind you, i was pms-ing at the time, but still. the other night, i decided to play an old cd from college while driving home from work. the music is beautiful and melancholy, and really perfect when you need a good cry. once one song came on, i discovered, apparently i needed that good cry.
the entire 25 minute left of my drive was spent bawling my eyes out and listening to the song on repeat.

the song is called "long coat on" by the Cincinnati(i think)-based duo, Ellery.
as i said, it's beautiful. take a listen.

https://vimeo.com/11684112

 

now all of their music is potentially tear-worthy, but this one really hit home as of late.

as i've stated in past posts, i'm getting married and  probably moving to Canada. SUPER EXCITING!!! BUUUUT...

did i mention i've barely ever left ohio...and have only lived in one house(minus college) my whole life? and that i'm an only child with a very large extended family? and that i'm very close to both of my parents?

here are some lyrics do gie you a little idea of where i'm at(it's kind of ridiculous):

"it was a long winter for katie...one day katie'd finally go..."

"...she was waving her hat in her hand when she said goodbye..."

"mama stood there gawking by the doorway, she'd never guess she'd finally go..."

NOW, that's only a small portion of the water-work educing lyrics. the rest had to do with her really wanting to get out of where she was, finally experiencing the world, and leaving everyone behind.

 so yeah, it gets worse.

 every. single. line. of this song affected me. most of it felt like it was speaking to me, saying exactly how i've been feeling only because i want to move on with my life and be married and be with my favorite person every day for the rest of my life. the rest of it just brought all my fears to  my attention at the same time.

 

my fears post wedding: 

1. living in a new place(especially new country with a slight to complete language barrier)
2. not being able to find a job, especially with a language barrier getting in the way, and because of that, be an intense burden on my husband causing him to pull all the weight in the income department
3. being so far away from most friends and loved ones and not being able to make many new friends
4. making people feel like i'm abandoning them
5. feeling alone(i will have josh, which is such an intense blessing, but with his work schedule, it might be more lonely than lovely)
6. missing my parents
7. not being able to contribute and feeling quite worthless
8. feeling stupid for not understanding those around me like at least %60 of the time

so there's that.
lately, josh and i haven been talking about future travels and plans and every time we've talked, i've just gotten sad and scared and couldn't voice exactly why. this song played, and everything came to light. we talked things out through my tears and let me just say, no matter how terrified i am of the future, i couldn't be more excited for it! life is going to be scary. new things will happen and a lot will change, but i need to keep reminding myself that it is an adventure and i should trust in god and try not to be fearful when i have such a wonderful life ahead of me.

 

thanks for reading.

love, k/r

flux

Most people are at a constant state of flux.

flux

fləks/

noun

noun: flux; plural noun: fluxes

1. 1.

   the action or process of flowing or flowing out.

   
   
2. 
   
3. 2.

   continuous change.

   
   

   

   
   

Yes, we are living breathing human people who have organs that constantly so we can live. that doesn't stop until we die. Though that is true, it is not what i am talking about. I am referring to what seems to be everyone's need to change. Now, when i say "everyone" I know that I am generalizing, but I also feel that people need to transition from one thing to the next in some fashion. Everyone is different.

What i mean when i use the term fluxing...

So many people I encounter day feel the need to change something in their lives. They don't seem to change that thing only once, but rather frequently. For some people, it can be like clockwork, but for others it can be quite sporadic. Some examples are as follows:

-changing the color of your hair often
-not sticking to the same job for too long
-traveling or moving a lot
-regularly updating or changing your clothing style
-getting a new tattoo or piercing
-collecting
-being in and out of relationships

These are only some examples, but these are the ones that i tend to see most often.

Now, there is an actual reason why i bring this topic up. I promise.
This isn't just a random thing like "i'm going to state this thing. not state my opinion, but a thing"
This isn't one of those moments.
Anyhoo, the reason for this brain goop------>
This idea of constantly changing and never able to sit still or stick to something because of boredom tends to be considered a bad thing. From my point of view, it is looked down upon. People who "have their life together" tend to put down this fluxing attitude and point it out as a negative thing that must be cured. like a disease or ailment to heal from over time. It is as if it something that should be fixed. And, well, that's dumb.
*cough cough NOT ALWAYS, THOUGH cough cough*

Like...

changing the color of your hair often

"i change my hair every week and a half dude, get used to it"

some people may try to find a deep-set meaning to why someone changes something about their aesthetics so frequently and get all psychological and philosophical, but it's possible that all of those ideas are unnecessary because hair grows and it is easily changed, so why not have fun with it?

------

That is only one example, but hopefully you catch what i'm throwing out there. i just thought that out all examples to use, that's an entertaining one. And I think I'm right, don't you? ;)

One could see both positives and negatives to possibly all fluxxing situations, the key here is that we should be focusing on the maturity and growth of the person. But, you know, some people just suck at being people like they should be people. It's fact.

I guess I just want to point out how beautiful it is to constantly grow and change with the seasons. This part of the human condition [I believe] can be so freeing and relaxing. sometimes we just need to take a sharp turn in a different direction, and that is ok.  I'm not saying it's always ok. There are definitely some habits that adults or people becoming adults should learn to grow out of, but not all of them. Some of them are just good for the soul. that sounds cheesy. I like cheesy. Its GOOD FOR THE SOUL. And it is beautiful.

But remember kids...

Thanks, k/r