melancholy toe tapping: the holiday season... halle-freakin-lujah!

hi there.
it has been about 3 months since i've seen my future husband. it will be about 3 months+ when i see him next.  thankfully, at this point, it's only 19 days and counting till that 3 month+ mark is up. until that glorious day arrives i have to keep myself happily occupied. i don't know if this is your life, but for me, being "occupied" up until Christmas is kind of intensely an understatement. every waking moment every day is devoted to thee holiday season.

allow me to explain what being "occupied" this time of year means to me, in list form of course.
because you see...

to-do before Christmas:

• paint
• sew presents
• re-create etsy account
• organize art supplies
• make new clothes for self
• practice some wedding makeup ideas
• work out
• plan new pescatarian dishes
• buy presents
• wrap presents

so, yeah, it may not seem like much, and may even seem slightly dumb, but goodnesssssssss is this going to take up all my time and then some. this time of year, i don't feel like much sleep happens. i'm just a busy little elf. that's me.
my life...

so yeah, there's that.
that's my life till i get to see my man, and probably a bit after.
happy holidays and merry christmas!
-k/r 
 

 

 

melancholy toe tapping: guest list anxiety.

 In about 1 month, my fiance' and i will be starting the official wedding planning process!! let the worry begin!

It's definitely exciting because we will get to to make our website, and design our invitations and programs, but it's more than nerve wracking as we are also starting to really narrow down our guest list. let me make this more clear: OUR GUEST LIST! I'm freaking out because it's stupidly a big deal. My first thought when i think of wedding guests is "friends and loved ones. people who we'd wana celebrate with." that's true, but it's so much more than that.

This is really what your potential guest list looks like:

• your best friends
• your old friends you still kind of keep in touch with but not really
• immediate family
• extended family that you think you're decently close to because your family is 3,000,000 people+
• most definitely the "elders" of the families
• your parents best friends
• your boss
• your coworkers
• that guy who makes your coffee every tuesday
• people whose weddings you were in because you fear rules
• EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER SMILED AT(and for me, that's a lot)
• don't forget the PLUS ONES

Now this is a bit of a stretch from the truth, but seriously not by much. guest lists are hard if you care about feelings even a little. some of these guests are totally important, and some really need to accept that you are just not that close...or that there are people closer that fit better into the 200ish seats. it's so hard to determine importance when it comes to your big day, because you want to invite everyone, but sadly, that's just not going to happen. believe me, i try, and when i try, i get a tiny little Regina George yelling in my ear and i get sad.

It's definitely emotionally draining to even think about the guest list, let alone, make one. a tentative one already exists, it's the REAL one that terrifies me, but it's a fear that i am definitely going to have to conquer if i want to be happy and calm during the rest of the wedding preparation. i must relax so we can narrow it down.

Alright. since i know i will have to attempt yoga a good 10 or more times til the wedding so i don't have weekly freak-outs, let's accept it and move on to what people consider the second scariest thing about a wedding guest list...

No, i'm not talking about the super boy-band-looking christian group (i honestly didn't know they were a thing until i looked it up. yay google.)

Plus-ones can be super tricky. Some weddings don't have them to save space, which sounds nice for the bride and groom, but not so nice for the guests who have to go alone when they already aren't much for "people-ing" as it is. conversating(yes i said conversating) and interacting with others at a big function can be super scary and draining for some people, especially without that one person you dragged along with you to cling to.
So, I'm all for plus-ones. sometimes. some people honestly may not get them. some people may get them and then i will immediately regret letting it happen because maybe i won't like the person they invite. maybe i didn't invite THAT person for a reason...

annnnnd, maybe i'm reaching and over thinking it all.

honestly, as the bride, plus-ones can be exciting. i love meeting new people who's names aren't ones i should have already remembered because they are family and the last time i saw them i was 5. these people are new. new can be nice.
and then there's the the plus-ones who you actually know and you realize they are actually brought as your cousin or friend's date and you get all giddy and excited for potential love like an annoying cupid. yes, i'm that type of person.

Now that all that has been said, i'm going to leave this here.

Thanks for reading :)
-k/r

Dry patch life

Be ready for some cheesy metaphors and corny uplifting quotes :)

Sometimes we hit a dry patch in life. Everything is dead and dying and there's no new growth. And nothing helps to rejuvenate.

like this random dead spot of grass right here, is your life ^

 

but sometimes it may feel like this ^ (minus the gorgeous sky, btw)

Its like the world has stopped just for a bit and nothing can be done to get it going again, at least not on your own. Terms.
God's terms and God's time don't tend to always match up with ours.

"Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart." - Psalm 27:14

"strength will rise as we wait upon the lord"-Everlasting God

I know not everyone believes what I believe. Just know that no matter what, I'm praying and hoping for your joy.

It can be so difficult to cope with. I couldn't even begin to fathom the struggle for some, but it is so real. The worst part is that this dead feeling could disappear and return or just stay for quite a long time. The fact this is the case for some just seems so cruel. Supposedly God only gives us what we can handle, and if that's the case, some people ate damn strong.

I'm lucky and i know it.
My dry patch in life can be quickly healed with a little love and relaxation. But like i said, i'm quite lucky.

 If i could pass my joy along to another and help rejuvenate and heal a dry time, i would do it every day. If i knew how, i would. In a heartbeat. But i know that sometimes, all we can do is pray, hope, and wait. And that sucks. But i will never stop praying for a quick recovery for anyone's dry time. For new growth, new life, and a reason to smile again.  We all need that.

One last thing.
Just a little love from my favorite coming-of-age movie to get me through some rough times.
Good ole' Elizabethtown.

I'm going to go run, eat some chocolate, and try to wait out my dry patch life.
Hope you can too.

Thanks for listening.

Love, k/r

Lappy love & Resolutions revisited: a nice little update

Lappy Love

alright, laptop acquired. i finally have a computer, thanks to my wonderful boyfriend. he gave me his old one and now i can be a normal 20something who follows youtube channels, online news articles, and takes a copious amount of quizzes!! woot!!

i can now...
1. create word documents
2. watch movies in my room
3. keep up with youtube channels like eat your kimchi
4. actually pay attention to the news and current events
5. pin even more frequently than i already do
6. set up my website and update other pages from home
7. not need to go to the library as much
8. BLOG...yeah. happening.
9. probably more, but nothing important enough for me to remember on my own.
10. and find memes like the one below :D

so, thank you to my awesome gentleman of a boyfriend!!

P.S. my laptop's name is sparkles magillicuddy the third. it's desktop background is ...

so, now that that little bit of word-vomit joy has been spewed, here's something else :D

Resolutions Revisited

it has been a bit more than half a year since i decided to have my first official new years resolutions!! it's been a really awesome journey so far and i guess i just wanted to update you all on my progress or lack of progress depending on the subject.

to recap my list, here's my list:

1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.

HEALTH in actuality: my work out schedule is a bit on the irregular side, but i have lost a few pounds, been taking better vitamins, and my dietary plan is a lot healthier than it used to be while also being a lot better for my digestive problems. i do feel like i've been getting more regular hours of sleep nightly, but i'm still not the best at mornings. i need to work on that whole "morning" thing as coffee is starting to become less effective. i almost never drink energy drinks anymore and only on rare occasions do i have a soda(yes, i said soda.) i have yet to run, i walk a bit more, i dont do yoga yet, and i slightly hoola hoop but have't really done that in a month. TONIGHT i shall work out a bit, and tomorrow i shall do a lot of walking and maybe start back into hooping. we shall see :)

2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.

READING: i have been reading the bible off and on, basically been listening to an audio book of Mere Christianity (narrated by my boyfriend), and been slowly reading a memoir by Sting called Broken Music. this is all of the extra-curricular reading i have been doing since january. womp womp.

3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.

ART: i've painted a lot and drawn a lot!! been updating my etsy, pinterest and facebook. need to update my tumblr and create my website soon. I've sold 2 pieces from my newest series and have more possible buyers. I have multiple places in the area wanting to have my work displayed in their shops! so far, the art front is going magnificently!!!! I do need to look into shows, but nothing i have found so far is all that appealing or soon. I also have a book about being a freelance artist that i need to read! definitely more to do, but i'm feeling good about it!

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a7/1f/42/a71f428042a5b248e400d9534c2ac799.jpg

4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.

HAIR: i wrote that when i had dark hair...it is now white blonde again but that one drastic change happened, and since then i have been doing things gradually with my hair. hoping to even try growing it out :D

5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

FASHION: still in progress and i know i haven't taken a picture every single day like i planned to, but i'm trying. 

so that's life for now. thats how im doing. i'd definitely give myself a C+/B- on the resolution accomplishments, but hey, i still have a few months til a new new year comes around and by then there will be even more things to accomplish in life. 

i couldn't be more excited!!

-k/r

inferiority complex

i've come to a conclusion. (now, mind you, this may be something i've thought about and even written about before, but i apparently forgot. i guess it's something i need to keep considering)

having someone in your life constantly reminding you of your beauty and greatness, and then noticing how much you tend to disagree, really helps you work on yourself. (idk if commas were supposed to go there. i'm, over, it.)
anyhoo, here's what i'm saying: i think i'm a strong beautiful woman who will stick up for herself and be upfront and confident in life. i think this is what i CAN be, but the more i really truly think about it, this isn't how i act on the regular. usually i have a strong opinion, but i don't let it out and i back away in situations where someone else wants to be the center of attention. this can be a good. i can just let others not bother me and let them do their thing and not care what people think. buuuut, i'm bad at that, it seems. instead i'm more timid and feel kind of inferior. i am only now realizing it more and more because i have an awesome man in my life(yes i am talking about him AGAIN. i'm happy. get over it) who has to hear me talk so negatively about myself. i don't do it to many others. he gets it all. and i couldn't be more thankful for his love. seriously. i just wish he didn't have to hear it because i wish i didn't want to say it. with that, i'm trying to understand where it came from.
why do i struggle wih confidence?
what in my past has led to my sometimes ill-feelings of my self?

so...a little hint of my past.
-i grew up having many friends. many people i cared for. many people that you can even say i cared too much for. for many years i've focused too much on putting the needs of others before my own, that sometimes i'd let it get so bad that i'd let "friends" walk all over me----> thus, pushover-katie was born.

-there have been specific moments with friend old friends and some acquaintances, where there was an unnecessary rivalry. like, i'd come upon a girl. we'd become friends because of our surface-level similarities, and then i'd notice a glimmer of competition in her eye. whether it was over a boy, or an outfit, a tattoo, or anything, really, it felt like this other girl at that time would feel the need to be the center of attention in any situation. she needed to be center stage even for just an audience of one.since this has happened so often, i kinda just let it go(tho i will admit, there were moments i competed right back. but that cattyness SHOULD only last so long, and if i'm lucky, not at all). most of the time, i'd let whoever was competing "win" more or less. i'd back away, but not in an "ok i'll let you do you're thing and be bitchy while i watch you act like a fool" kind of way, more in the "you have succeeded at making me feel like shit. i shall be in this corner" kind of way.----pushover-katie, the saga continues...

-then i had the people that disapproved of my choices(that's kind of a different realm but still totally relates). i had the people who thought me being an artist was dumb or the people that mocked my tattoos or my hair. then i'd have the people who never truly told me how they felt, but because i judged them by their seemingly snooty nature, i assumed they judged me back and looked down on me for my future plans, or lack there-of(that's a lot of my own assumptions getting to me). ---> is and was all complete bullshit because i really don't know when i started to take others' opinions so seriously. this isn't their life, and the day i decided they had a hand in it was they day i got dumb.

yep.
that's a bit of my life. looking back on it, i know i'm not alone with these struggles. so that's cool. it's just if so many people encounter struggles like this or have issues with feeling inferior or lack confidence, how do they make things better? how do they strengthen themselves and gain a backbone? how do they gain confidence? i'm trying to make a guess and figure out it, but what i also want to know, is why are these past experiences getting to me now? why does it take FOREVER for me to process feelings? it took me about 6 years to feel like a truly recovered from a painful relationship that changed me. SIX YEARS and i still think i sometimes regress and have to remember to be strong and happy in life. i guess i am finally really dealing with the confidence problems i have had over the years. i guess i'm finally coping and learning and HOPEFULLY, if all goes well, growing from it.

sooooooo, now that you have gotten this far, you are allowed to read the final portion...
the list.
my thoughts.
what i've learned.
ready, set, go:
1. keeping unkind people away from your heart is probs a good thing. by probs i mean TOTALLY.
2. really thinking about your hopes, dreams, goals, and loves will help you remember what matters, and hopefully focusing on what matters in your own life, will help you to not worry about other peoples' opinions of you and your life.
3. YOU control your life. no one else.
4. loving boyfriends make things better.
5. maybe people try to compete with you because they consider you a threat. how BA is that?
6. focus on what makes you happy and never forget to pamper yourself every once in a while.
7. sometimes with a set life plan who then follow it to a tee aren't happy, because they only focus on the plan, and not what puts a smile on their face.(i may be wrong but i think i have seen examples of this from time to time).

so yeah yeah yeah there's 7 cool thoughts to consider.

ALSO, here's some cool things i'm personally going to try to do now that i have sat down and thought about way more than i planned to:
1. i'm going to try not to dwell on the past so much.
2. instead of thinking about the rough relationships that i have had and moved on from, i should focus on the great relationships i still have that make me a better person every day.
3. i'm going to focus on what/who makes me happy.
4. i think i'm going to do a bit of pampering very soon. sometimes it's just good for the soul :)
5. i'm gunna pray, but that's just me.

 

confident findings.

this was something i wrote the other day, but never got a chance to put it on here.
it's just some life thoughts that lead to some thoughts on art and inspiration and creation.
enjoy.

"today i noticed that i truly lacked in myself. i've been told that i lacked confidence in the past, but never really saw it myself, like i have lately. often, i get told 'you are beautiful,' just by my wonderful boyfriend but by many others. i am so thankful, but it was only today that i noticed this: every time someone says that i am beautiful, i feel not only flattered, but shocked and confused. it's as if i am never aware of my own beauty even though i am told of it often. i can honestly say that i think i have beautiful facial features and i can only thank God, my parents, and genetics for that. but my shocked and confused feelings still exist when i am told of my beauty. with this, i really saw how little confidence i had. i'm not sure when i lost it or if i ever truly had it at all, but either way, i believe it is time to accept these compliments with a smile and 'thank you!' rather than a look of confusion. i'd lke to think i have displayed a great deal of confidence off and on for many years and maybe this is just a low point.

i like fashion and makeup and hair. i like to 'doll myself up' on a pretty regular basis. i think that can either mean i feel strong and beautiful that i want to shine, OR i want to hide how terribly i feel about myself with layers of fabric and powder and glitz. i guess it just depends on the day. i feel like this is only natural for people(though i'm specifically focusing on me/a female). now that i have really noticed my low self-esteem issues, i guess i want to make it a new goal to dress up and put makeup and jewelry on more because i want to accentuate the beauty that i already have. this needs to become a norm. i need to feel beautiful at least 70% of the time(but shoot for always).

this may sound stupid. like, how can someone suddenly decide that the agree with others in thinking they are beautiful person? you can't. you can't just flip a switch and i know that, but i also know that i do feel beautiful at times. i do feel comfortable. i just need to figure out how to find more comfort in myself. i need to figure out what makes me truly feel beautiful. i need to get my confidence back. i need to truly feel beautiful and not just smile and nod in  confusion at the idea. i know that it takes time. it takes strength. it takes will. i'm up for the challenge."

my little notes:
-i truly believe that everyone has the potential to be a beautiful inside and out, so what gives me the right to think i'm not a part of this "everyone"?
-beauty isn't only skin-deep, but it's the skin-deep/physical beauty that i have such a hard time accepting.
-honestly, i think i have an idea as to when my confidence left. so i guess i must start over and build up and even more confident me. i must recharge.

random beauty thoughts:
-it is distorted to me. i know that it comes in all shapes and sizes and forms and yet i strive to become a specific shape. i sometimes worry that i will never truly be happy with myself because i am not exactly what i'd hope for. BUT i still think my shape can be beautiful. i feel beautiful and i don't at the same time. i have two conflicting views at all times.
-i mock fashion while loving it at the same time. i think you have to be willing to make fun of yourself, and that includes what you love. THAT can be confidence.
-BEAUTY IS NOT FLEETING unless a personality changes for the worse, and that is the ONLY WAY. i and the world must know that.


all these thoughts have given me the inspiration to paint.
i don't know how many artists it will take to truly understand beauty. but i'd love to added to that long list of people.

https://www.facebook.com/rosierockitt

thanks for reading!
-k

from revolutions to resolutions

i've never been one to participate in the act of making new years resolutions. never felt the need to change my life so intensely that i needed to document it any fashion or have a specific "starting point" for my endeavors. i guess, without really acknowledging that i had an opinion about resolutions, i had a strong opinion. i was anti-resolution. i found it arbitrary and never understood why so many people SUDDENLY had multiple things that they wanted to change about their lives every year around the 31st of December. i felt that people were forcing themselves into a ritual and i felt that to be...well, stupid.

this year i finally got it. i still don't understand how some people honestly have new years resolutions every year and i STILL believe that some people do force themselves into the ritual because they think it is what they are supposed to do. BUT, i also finally see the point. it's no longer arbitrary to me. at least, not this year.

2013 was a very difficult and wonderful year. i've talked about a great deal of my hardships and triumphs when it comes to my own personal growth over this year and i'm happy to say that i feel like i've accomplished a lot. it has gotten me to a point in life where bigger and better changes must be considered.
for example: i have an amazing boyfriend that i can't help but gush about.

 this, of course, develops thoughts of the future. im considering my monetary standing, my artistic career, my health and anything else that would be important to me anyone else in my life from here on out.

it is no longer arbitrary. i am at a point in my life where i need to start reevaluating and reworking a lot. i like the idea of picking the start to the new year to begin the changes. i understand why when January comes around, so do many new plans, hopes, and dreams for many people.

so...here it is.
my list of new years resolutions.
read, set, go...(also, it's in categories)
1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.
2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.
3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.
4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.
5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

so there's that.
now #5 is more of a personal challenge for me. it's addressing the fact that i have way more than i need. so many people have so little in this world and yet i have so much that don't even wear or use. this challenge will force me to actually wear what i seem to love too much to let go, but also show me what i can remove from my wardrobe and hopefully give away or sell.
 i don't want to go too much into that right now as that will officially begin on the first and there will be photo documentation to show my progress :) im excited for this challenge and my others as well.

happy new year and god bless.
-kr

punching bags, ice cream, and all the likes.

disclaimer: this may be a bit scatterbrained(or maybe kind of word-vomit-ty) and not really so "informative" but more of a diary of my happy thoughts. therefore, you will either read this and get nothing out of it but just a little bit of my brain and my heart, or there's some hidden little bit of guidance. i guess that's for you to decide, so this disclaimer may be unnecessary.

Google definition of anger:

an·ger

ˈaNGgər/

noun

noun: anger; plural noun: angers

1.

a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"

synonyms:

rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique

I felt this... all of this.

Today i felt the most intense anger i have felt in a long time. it did not last long and i didn't react as violently as i have in the past. afterwards, i didn't know what to feel. i didn't know what to do except talk and get slightly teary. today i felt unloved and disregarded and even abandoned. there's no detail to this story that is necessary. all that is required is that you that only about an hour ago, maybe less, i was LIVID. 

i was told to pray.

my boyfriend told me to pray.

***

prayer

-i'd put up the definition i found on google, but i found it ill-equipped

...i haven't prayed as much as i used in the last year. it's been rather sporadic and seemed to be only when i felt so at a lost that "oh i guess i will have to turn to God". i used to pray even in joy, but for a while, God angered me. praying just seemed pointless for a while. off and on for the last few months i've been falling in love with my faith again. it's been a slow and somewhat rocky fall, but only in the last month or so has it been less rocky and more smooth and even comforting. to actually take comfort in the lord, it's so choice. :) 

i prayed a bit before i wanted to type, but there will be more for me after. just being able to sit and think and talk and pray to God. being thankful for the greatness of life, asking for peace and understanding to come over, and talking about anything and everything. some my find that idea crazy, but as many have said, we are all snowflakes. i believe what i believe, and you believe what you believe, and if we happen to believe similar things, it seems we may have a bit more in common.

so i was told to pray, and what happened? i felt a sigh of relief. i felt calm, at least in comparison to the urge t throw things that i had only seconds before. so much peace. he said "pray" and it's like a lightbulb went off. lol i felt like a dope. a happy dope, at least. i didn't even think to pray at first, because i was so angry. the fact that all i needed was for someone so wonderful and caring to say "just pray" made things so much better. things arent perfect and i do intend to pray much more throughout the evening, but dang...

***

that wonderful man that told me to pray...he's pretty great. i went from being enraged and wanting to punch things and cry, to feeling at least 80% better JUST because of his comfort. it seems i am more and more thankful and excited each day for his existence in my life. it's kinda scary, but i like it. like like like like...yep. all the likes.

it seems i have notes about the awesomeness of relationships....who knew?

-never stop looking for something/someone that will make your life better.

-if he/she makes you smile when you should be crying...he/she just may be a keeper.

-if he/she helps you learn, helps you focus, and helps you grow, he/she is part magic.

-if he/she screeches like a velociraptor, he may just be part velociraptor.

-always feel loved. if you don't, there's a problem.

-hugs, even virtually, and kind of wonderful.

i'm not saying that i wouldn't pray if he wasn't around, i'm just saying, he helped.

find someone that helped. it's nice :)

-k/r

never- the things i want to tell you, but i'm not even good at telling myself.

haven't written in a while but i have a lot of thoughts and plans that i am so excited to write about. figured it start off with some fun thoughts.

ready, set, go.

i have some opinions, views, ideals. whatever you'd like to call them. they're a bunch of nevers. a bunch of random things i don't think should be done. they're silly. nothing too serious. it seemed like a good choice for my first blog since my emotional distress over the last year. once we feel any bit of "recovery" or some sort of closure, it only seems right to talk of something more surfacey. more fun.

i guess its like this:
you feel like you were in deep waters for a very long time(the time is circumstantial and based on your own personal view of hardship, of course). you finally pull yourself out or get pulled out. you've been saved or were actually able to save yourself or a mixture of the two. now, you're back on the shore. completely safe but only because you're not attempting to get back in the water, even the most shallow. eventually, when you're feeling prepared or comfortable, you put a toe in. this is my "toe in"

the silly, arbitrary acts and thoughts and well, nothing of depth or great importance. it could be important and meaningful, but not right now. right now it's just thought. soon there will be importance. soon there will be deeper thoughts and cares and beliefs. til then, here's some nevers...

-never apologize for being yourself unless yourself is an asshole.
-never be confused by your own fashion choices. if you like it, wear it (but stay classy).
-never feel uncomfortable around your closest friends. you should be able to dance naked holding a chicken and they should at least laugh. if they get you enough, they'll start dancing too.
-never overindulge. i may be wrong, but every time i have, in anything, it's gone poorly.
-never underestimate yourself. if you do, so will the world.
-never lesten to your heart and never listen to your head, but always listen to both.
-never think you're entitled to anything.
-never don't wear heels. i know that's a double negative, my apologies. but wear heels sometimes. i'm bad at it too but it just feels good. i personally feel more poised and put together and classy(depending on the heel) and come on, your ass looks great. unless you legit can't do it.
-never intensely follow fashion magazines when it says "looks to lose". if you follow shit like that so strongly, you have no style for yourself. but again, keep it classy.

that's all i got. there will be more tho. i know i will always have opinions.
-k

so much good!

About a year ago today i began to really feel lost. That quarter-life crisis had begun and there was so much more crisis-ing to come that i couldn't have been less prepared for. At this point, it had only been a summer since graduating from college and the plan i had since age 9 had ended. I crossed the finish line. All i knew that i wanted in life was to go to bg for art. Thats about as far as my life planning got other than marriage and babies. I never cared about a career. I never wanted to travel the world. I didnt really want to do anything. I wasnt even that rebellious until like 2 years ago and if there are levels for rebellion im like a trainee, and totally cool with it. really. I was living on my simple little cloud until it just disappeared when i was handed my empty diploma folder and told to smile for the camera. From that point, my plan was to look for a job and live with my friends. Check. Mini mission accomplished. And then i really realized how dreary and boring my world was and how scared i was to really embrace the bigger world. AND THEN i also realized i didnt give a shit. There was nothing that i wanted to do. I didnt really care about making a difference, being an artist, or pursuing anything. Didnt even want to help and love people as i always used to. I was sucked dry of my love for others and myself. Sounds rather emotional, and damn is that accurate. To add to the emotional distress over my fears and uncertainties, the only thing that i new i wanted for my life was something that i could not do alone. I wanted a legitimate healthy relationship that leads to marriage and children. Thats definitely still something i have on my "hope agenda" but thats another rant, entirely.
Anyhoo, instead i had a few minor romantic moments but nothing right. whether it was them, or me, or both, no dice. So i did what every lost single white female college graduate with an ART degree would do. I kinda just tried to ignore my sorrows and carry on with life until i finally had a meltdown or two. Kept doin what i was doin. Or "kept on truckin" as the young folks say. That didn't last long. instead, it formed a roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I was happy and blissfully blind to what was wrong and then id be a depressed about how lost i felt and then again and again and so on, and you trackin with me family?
So there you have it. the obligatory katie disclaimer. I know I've written about it before and i know I've probably said the same thing in every different way possible since i decided to give a shit about my struggles and try to do something BUT heres something new: i actually think there's change. Things are happening. I can feel it. I don't have any major life goal other than the same old hope as usual, but i feel purpose again. I feel more like myself. AND i feel like this is only the beginning. It feels so good. Yes, there will be some momentary setbacks, but that's to be expected.
God it's so nice.
So, want to hear my life possibilities and small goals that you're going to hear/ read whether you'd like to or not, considering you're reading this? K cool.
So...
-go to disney world with my friends possibly within the next year
-save up for a computer and a scanner
-learn more about photoshop and other editing tools. Figured i should probably finally get with the times especially since i may want to work with illustrating and graphics.
-look into illustration opportunities
-once i get a newer body of work put together, look for shows. Thats not really anything new but i know that i need to care about my work instead of just letting it chill in my closet and letting the ideas chill in my brain.
-possibly go to hair school (I'm still uncertain, but we shall just see).
-travel somewhere for the freedom and new experiences because i know i need to branch out! Ive never had the urge to travel, and yet all the wonderful movies about finding yourself and growing and getting through pain have to do with traveling so i'm thinking they may be on to something.
-feel even more like myself and be better than the katie i was yesterday. i know i don't need to change Anything about myself EXCEPT for finding comfort. I need to grow more confident with who i am and find strength. I want it, so i will make it happen and it'll be beautiful. I will feel beautiful.
And yeah, there are totally more but its 4 am so i can't think as well as i'd like.
So. There you have it. I feel like i have goals to reach and it feels good. I feel good. Things are good. Im a legally driving adult with a job and goals. Ive been a whirlwind of emotion for the last year and considering i've been a pretty balanced and level headed girl all of my life, it was do much tougher than it should have been.
There are a select group of people that i couldn't be more thankful for having in my life to go through this journey with. I Love them so much. They've dealt with shit and put me through shit and they've helped me to really see who is important and what's so important about me. Their existence in y life just adds to the joy!
Here's one more goal...
become emma stone. I know i am me and my own person and i shouldn't wish to be someone else, but i am pretty sure if you mix emma stone and every character she has played and sprinkle a little bit of juno mcguff on top, you have my spirit animal. They say and do what i wish i was ballsy and witty enough to say and do. Emma stone's confidence and balance of funny and beautiful is the most admirable thing and really, to be monumentally cheesy, she is what i feel like on the inside. Lol so there is that.

i usually add an image of some kind. i didn't last time i wrote. it felt weird. so here's a koala :)

hopefully soon

for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

***

i've felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy. that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy. usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.

***
A leads to B

A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.

the cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.

the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...

...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.

do i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.

do i allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine. that wall is difficult to break.

B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.

the cause: see A

the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"

i believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.

***

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
                                              by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"

this song sparked an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not by now, what good is this rant to you, really.

***

it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.

Reflex

i wrote this at work. not revised in any way, but i figured, why not. sok tho...i'm over it.


 Reflex:

it's just a cycle. it's what i'm used to. an automatic reflex.
it feels robotic. i didn't even realize that the path that i've taken is the path i've ALWAYS taken.
the familiarity. it doesn't even register until it's too late and i'm stuck in my pattern.
my reflexive state.
my cycle of "comfort."

finding comfort in what we know but not what is good.
it's a terrible addiction so many have.
turning towards the familiar darkness instead of embracing the light.
the new uncertain light.

it's just a reflex.

-k