confident findings.

this was something i wrote the other day, but never got a chance to put it on here.
it's just some life thoughts that lead to some thoughts on art and inspiration and creation.
enjoy.

"today i noticed that i truly lacked in myself. i've been told that i lacked confidence in the past, but never really saw it myself, like i have lately. often, i get told 'you are beautiful,' just by my wonderful boyfriend but by many others. i am so thankful, but it was only today that i noticed this: every time someone says that i am beautiful, i feel not only flattered, but shocked and confused. it's as if i am never aware of my own beauty even though i am told of it often. i can honestly say that i think i have beautiful facial features and i can only thank God, my parents, and genetics for that. but my shocked and confused feelings still exist when i am told of my beauty. with this, i really saw how little confidence i had. i'm not sure when i lost it or if i ever truly had it at all, but either way, i believe it is time to accept these compliments with a smile and 'thank you!' rather than a look of confusion. i'd lke to think i have displayed a great deal of confidence off and on for many years and maybe this is just a low point.

i like fashion and makeup and hair. i like to 'doll myself up' on a pretty regular basis. i think that can either mean i feel strong and beautiful that i want to shine, OR i want to hide how terribly i feel about myself with layers of fabric and powder and glitz. i guess it just depends on the day. i feel like this is only natural for people(though i'm specifically focusing on me/a female). now that i have really noticed my low self-esteem issues, i guess i want to make it a new goal to dress up and put makeup and jewelry on more because i want to accentuate the beauty that i already have. this needs to become a norm. i need to feel beautiful at least 70% of the time(but shoot for always).

this may sound stupid. like, how can someone suddenly decide that the agree with others in thinking they are beautiful person? you can't. you can't just flip a switch and i know that, but i also know that i do feel beautiful at times. i do feel comfortable. i just need to figure out how to find more comfort in myself. i need to figure out what makes me truly feel beautiful. i need to get my confidence back. i need to truly feel beautiful and not just smile and nod in  confusion at the idea. i know that it takes time. it takes strength. it takes will. i'm up for the challenge."

my little notes:
-i truly believe that everyone has the potential to be a beautiful inside and out, so what gives me the right to think i'm not a part of this "everyone"?
-beauty isn't only skin-deep, but it's the skin-deep/physical beauty that i have such a hard time accepting.
-honestly, i think i have an idea as to when my confidence left. so i guess i must start over and build up and even more confident me. i must recharge.

random beauty thoughts:
-it is distorted to me. i know that it comes in all shapes and sizes and forms and yet i strive to become a specific shape. i sometimes worry that i will never truly be happy with myself because i am not exactly what i'd hope for. BUT i still think my shape can be beautiful. i feel beautiful and i don't at the same time. i have two conflicting views at all times.
-i mock fashion while loving it at the same time. i think you have to be willing to make fun of yourself, and that includes what you love. THAT can be confidence.
-BEAUTY IS NOT FLEETING unless a personality changes for the worse, and that is the ONLY WAY. i and the world must know that.


all these thoughts have given me the inspiration to paint.
i don't know how many artists it will take to truly understand beauty. but i'd love to added to that long list of people.

https://www.facebook.com/rosierockitt

thanks for reading!
-k

punching bags, ice cream, and all the likes.

disclaimer: this may be a bit scatterbrained(or maybe kind of word-vomit-ty) and not really so "informative" but more of a diary of my happy thoughts. therefore, you will either read this and get nothing out of it but just a little bit of my brain and my heart, or there's some hidden little bit of guidance. i guess that's for you to decide, so this disclaimer may be unnecessary.

Google definition of anger:

an·ger

ˈaNGgər/

noun

noun: anger; plural noun: angers

1.

a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"

synonyms:

rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique

I felt this... all of this.

Today i felt the most intense anger i have felt in a long time. it did not last long and i didn't react as violently as i have in the past. afterwards, i didn't know what to feel. i didn't know what to do except talk and get slightly teary. today i felt unloved and disregarded and even abandoned. there's no detail to this story that is necessary. all that is required is that you that only about an hour ago, maybe less, i was LIVID. 

i was told to pray.

my boyfriend told me to pray.

***

prayer

-i'd put up the definition i found on google, but i found it ill-equipped

...i haven't prayed as much as i used in the last year. it's been rather sporadic and seemed to be only when i felt so at a lost that "oh i guess i will have to turn to God". i used to pray even in joy, but for a while, God angered me. praying just seemed pointless for a while. off and on for the last few months i've been falling in love with my faith again. it's been a slow and somewhat rocky fall, but only in the last month or so has it been less rocky and more smooth and even comforting. to actually take comfort in the lord, it's so choice. :) 

i prayed a bit before i wanted to type, but there will be more for me after. just being able to sit and think and talk and pray to God. being thankful for the greatness of life, asking for peace and understanding to come over, and talking about anything and everything. some my find that idea crazy, but as many have said, we are all snowflakes. i believe what i believe, and you believe what you believe, and if we happen to believe similar things, it seems we may have a bit more in common.

so i was told to pray, and what happened? i felt a sigh of relief. i felt calm, at least in comparison to the urge t throw things that i had only seconds before. so much peace. he said "pray" and it's like a lightbulb went off. lol i felt like a dope. a happy dope, at least. i didn't even think to pray at first, because i was so angry. the fact that all i needed was for someone so wonderful and caring to say "just pray" made things so much better. things arent perfect and i do intend to pray much more throughout the evening, but dang...

***

that wonderful man that told me to pray...he's pretty great. i went from being enraged and wanting to punch things and cry, to feeling at least 80% better JUST because of his comfort. it seems i am more and more thankful and excited each day for his existence in my life. it's kinda scary, but i like it. like like like like...yep. all the likes.

it seems i have notes about the awesomeness of relationships....who knew?

-never stop looking for something/someone that will make your life better.

-if he/she makes you smile when you should be crying...he/she just may be a keeper.

-if he/she helps you learn, helps you focus, and helps you grow, he/she is part magic.

-if he/she screeches like a velociraptor, he may just be part velociraptor.

-always feel loved. if you don't, there's a problem.

-hugs, even virtually, and kind of wonderful.

i'm not saying that i wouldn't pray if he wasn't around, i'm just saying, he helped.

find someone that helped. it's nice :)

-k/r

i don't do what i do for a reason.

i don't care.
not as i used to.
it was like breathing.

now it's just like jewelry.
just an accessory to my life.
i do love it.
it adds something to my everyday, but it's not something i yearn for.
                                                                   not something i can't live without.

sometimes i think i'm lucky.
sometimes i think i'm cursed.
to have little feeling towards this gift.
                                 towards something i once loved.
                                               something i once put all my heart and all my hours into.

now i sleep.
now i eat.
now i interact on a deeper level with people i find most dear.
now, life doesn't revolve around something that has the potential me nowhere.
now i'm growing more happy with that.
now, it feels right.

the idea of the curse is slowly passing.
the feeling of bliss is coming over me.
it's becoming another thing i am thankful to have a knack for.
                      a nice little talent i can pull out of the attic whenever it feels like the right time.
it's becoming that priceless heirloom that you only bring out to show people on special occasion.
                      an antiquity, almost.
                      such a delicate and beautiful part of my life that can only be out in the open for a small amount of time or it won't age well. it could rust or break. it will get very old very fast and instead of being something so magnificent, it will be that shotty old toy of your great great grandfather's that has little to no value now. it will be worthless to me.

some things age well and have a value that only grows.
this is not one of those things.
i keep it boxed up.
i keep it protected.
i keep it for the special occasions in life.

so much good!

About a year ago today i began to really feel lost. That quarter-life crisis had begun and there was so much more crisis-ing to come that i couldn't have been less prepared for. At this point, it had only been a summer since graduating from college and the plan i had since age 9 had ended. I crossed the finish line. All i knew that i wanted in life was to go to bg for art. Thats about as far as my life planning got other than marriage and babies. I never cared about a career. I never wanted to travel the world. I didnt really want to do anything. I wasnt even that rebellious until like 2 years ago and if there are levels for rebellion im like a trainee, and totally cool with it. really. I was living on my simple little cloud until it just disappeared when i was handed my empty diploma folder and told to smile for the camera. From that point, my plan was to look for a job and live with my friends. Check. Mini mission accomplished. And then i really realized how dreary and boring my world was and how scared i was to really embrace the bigger world. AND THEN i also realized i didnt give a shit. There was nothing that i wanted to do. I didnt really care about making a difference, being an artist, or pursuing anything. Didnt even want to help and love people as i always used to. I was sucked dry of my love for others and myself. Sounds rather emotional, and damn is that accurate. To add to the emotional distress over my fears and uncertainties, the only thing that i new i wanted for my life was something that i could not do alone. I wanted a legitimate healthy relationship that leads to marriage and children. Thats definitely still something i have on my "hope agenda" but thats another rant, entirely.
Anyhoo, instead i had a few minor romantic moments but nothing right. whether it was them, or me, or both, no dice. So i did what every lost single white female college graduate with an ART degree would do. I kinda just tried to ignore my sorrows and carry on with life until i finally had a meltdown or two. Kept doin what i was doin. Or "kept on truckin" as the young folks say. That didn't last long. instead, it formed a roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I was happy and blissfully blind to what was wrong and then id be a depressed about how lost i felt and then again and again and so on, and you trackin with me family?
So there you have it. the obligatory katie disclaimer. I know I've written about it before and i know I've probably said the same thing in every different way possible since i decided to give a shit about my struggles and try to do something BUT heres something new: i actually think there's change. Things are happening. I can feel it. I don't have any major life goal other than the same old hope as usual, but i feel purpose again. I feel more like myself. AND i feel like this is only the beginning. It feels so good. Yes, there will be some momentary setbacks, but that's to be expected.
God it's so nice.
So, want to hear my life possibilities and small goals that you're going to hear/ read whether you'd like to or not, considering you're reading this? K cool.
So...
-go to disney world with my friends possibly within the next year
-save up for a computer and a scanner
-learn more about photoshop and other editing tools. Figured i should probably finally get with the times especially since i may want to work with illustrating and graphics.
-look into illustration opportunities
-once i get a newer body of work put together, look for shows. Thats not really anything new but i know that i need to care about my work instead of just letting it chill in my closet and letting the ideas chill in my brain.
-possibly go to hair school (I'm still uncertain, but we shall just see).
-travel somewhere for the freedom and new experiences because i know i need to branch out! Ive never had the urge to travel, and yet all the wonderful movies about finding yourself and growing and getting through pain have to do with traveling so i'm thinking they may be on to something.
-feel even more like myself and be better than the katie i was yesterday. i know i don't need to change Anything about myself EXCEPT for finding comfort. I need to grow more confident with who i am and find strength. I want it, so i will make it happen and it'll be beautiful. I will feel beautiful.
And yeah, there are totally more but its 4 am so i can't think as well as i'd like.
So. There you have it. I feel like i have goals to reach and it feels good. I feel good. Things are good. Im a legally driving adult with a job and goals. Ive been a whirlwind of emotion for the last year and considering i've been a pretty balanced and level headed girl all of my life, it was do much tougher than it should have been.
There are a select group of people that i couldn't be more thankful for having in my life to go through this journey with. I Love them so much. They've dealt with shit and put me through shit and they've helped me to really see who is important and what's so important about me. Their existence in y life just adds to the joy!
Here's one more goal...
become emma stone. I know i am me and my own person and i shouldn't wish to be someone else, but i am pretty sure if you mix emma stone and every character she has played and sprinkle a little bit of juno mcguff on top, you have my spirit animal. They say and do what i wish i was ballsy and witty enough to say and do. Emma stone's confidence and balance of funny and beautiful is the most admirable thing and really, to be monumentally cheesy, she is what i feel like on the inside. Lol so there is that.

i usually add an image of some kind. i didn't last time i wrote. it felt weird. so here's a koala :)

hopefully soon

for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

***

i've felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy. that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy. usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.

***
A leads to B

A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.

the cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.

the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...

...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.

do i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.

do i allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine. that wall is difficult to break.

B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.

the cause: see A

the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"

i believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.

***

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
                                              by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"

this song sparked an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not by now, what good is this rant to you, really.

***

it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.

FATES

What's to be shall be.
they know.
came and gone.
Come and go.
they know the secrets.
It must occur.
its meant to be.
Its fate.
They know.
he knows.
what's to be shall be.

 i haven't added anything in a while. been really preoccupied with my gorgeous house and some new experiences. happy to be to busy with life to sit down and write down my thoughts, but bummed i also don't feel the need. instead of spilling my guts out, as of late i've just wanted to write in cryptic metaphors of what i hope is considered beauty. so i guess that's what i'll keep doing until i really need to let it out.

-k