melancholy toe-tapping: a new year for a white wedding!

Sooooooooo, i'm pretty stoked. 

It is officially less than six months before my wedding!

 

Can you tell I'm excited??!?!

Christmas came and went. It was stressful, but glorious, and taking my fiance' back to the airport was much less depressing than normal. This time around, we said our farewell without tear and with lots of giddy smiles because we new the next time he'd be leaving on a plane, I'd be with him. It's such a joy and a treasure to have him in my life and to be able to spend these next few months excitedly getting all the details together for the rest of my life with the best human! 

Now that it's the new year and the wedding is up and coming, I've been thinking of those good ole' resolutions and questioning if I've changed and how I've grown in the last year. The answer to that is, YES, I've changed and grown so much in the last year and have learned a lot more about myself that I'd like to share.
So.
I don't have resolutions, per-say. Mainly, this year is going to be about marriage, communication, connectivity, and self-awareness. That sounds like a lot of things, but it's a lot of things that i think a newlywed who's moving away from all of her friends and family should be focusing on hardcore.

 

 Being self-aware is something that I'm focusing on the most right now, as I feel like it effects everything else.

 (I know i talk about understanding who I am at least yearly on here, but it's a never-ending thing, so expect more, in time.)
I've discovered something about myself.
Since I got to that point in life where I really focused on what people thought of me (I don't think we should care what others think too much, but it happens and it's hard not to), I've compared myself to a lot of people and molded to better-fit the people I was around. I even competed the minute I felt competed with. I never really noticed til after. I wasn't self-aware enough to see how I was acting or what I was doing. It was something that I'd do and then a few weeks or months later I'd think about it and realize how I had acted in the past. It wasn't til lately that I noticed I've never truly been myself 100% of the time because I was trying to be like someone else or compete with someone else. It has come to my attention SO HARD in these last two years because I am loved by someone who loves the real me, and not some pretend person I have been at times. It is such a blessing because I've never felt more like myself. Josh really helps me notice that person that I want to be constantly and not just sometimes or around certain people.

No matter what, if you are adaptable, the people you are around most often do tend to rub off on you at least a little. I know with every passing day I become more and more like my future husband and many others, but especially with marriage and moving, I must really learn to remember who I am despite everything else, and surround myself with beautiful people who only make me stronger.

 

I guess I do have a specific new years resolution after all.

I want to make sure I'm always my whole self especially during this time of drastic change and growth and hopeful maturing with the man of my dreams.

 

It shall be a year of great change.
A year of truly understanding myself as I'm finally truly on my own.
There's no one for me to compare myself to.
No one to feel guilty for not being like.
Just me, and my husband, of course.
2016 shall be insanely glorious and terrifying.
I can't wait for the adventure that's in store!

thanks, k/r

birthday week!!

Birthday week!

Its about that time of year again! The time to milk the anniversary of your birth for all you can and celebrate!

I feel like that makes me sound really juvenile and immature, taking advantage of others' giving, but thats not my intention. My intention is to confident and and happy about my life, and i always love to use my birthday to really strengthen that.

I am an only child with a birthday close to a national holiday so all my life ive had a pretty decent-sized birthday celebrations and ive been rather happy with my birthdays each year up until sometime in high school. I cant remember exactly what happened but for 3 years in a row things weren't going right. One year, all of my close friends and relatives that i was so excited to see couldnt make it to town like they usually do. Not a big deal, but for a 13ish year old girl, its heart breaking since you built up your excitement so much just for it to crumble. Believe me, it was tragic (i was unnecessarily emotional). Then another year, a family member died on my birthday so there was just saddness in the air and a lot of mourning. Then i think i friendship ended on or around another one that actually brought my confidence level down a few pegs. So, for a bit of time, birthdays really sucked.

After that, i made a new life choice for the time around my birthday. I claimed "birthday week" which to my mom, is birthday month(she spoils me sometimes). I decided, starting in college, that i would really focus on me for the entire week around my birthday. Not that i would ignore everyone else and be a selfish bitch for a week, but that i would just be a little bit more katie-focused. Id dress up, do my makeup, do my nails, plan outings with friends and maybe go shopping. I decided that with the seemingly frequent bullshit and sad times surrounding my birthday in the past, and my usual inability to take some me-time, i decided to devote my birthday week to bringing myself a bit of extra joy and love :)

Its wonderful and i truly feel that everyone should do this for themselves, on top of what others may also do for them. Really, your birthday is a big deal! Its the day that god decided you should start existing on this earth. You were important enough to be. And that's beautiful!

People may think im cheesy and silly for treating this like another big holiday, but come on, its me. The minute december starts, im decked out in red and green! Im a holiday buff. Really, if there was some type of holiday, religious or not, that deserved celebrating, id be all about it! Celebrating life is the best way to cope with life. Staying happy and confident and joyous is a really hard challenge for some people, but its a challenge we should all try to take on.

I couldn't be more excited for this year's festivities! Im not sure what im doing for me just yet, but the love of others is so wonderful!

-k/r

inferiority complex

i've come to a conclusion. (now, mind you, this may be something i've thought about and even written about before, but i apparently forgot. i guess it's something i need to keep considering)

having someone in your life constantly reminding you of your beauty and greatness, and then noticing how much you tend to disagree, really helps you work on yourself. (idk if commas were supposed to go there. i'm, over, it.)
anyhoo, here's what i'm saying: i think i'm a strong beautiful woman who will stick up for herself and be upfront and confident in life. i think this is what i CAN be, but the more i really truly think about it, this isn't how i act on the regular. usually i have a strong opinion, but i don't let it out and i back away in situations where someone else wants to be the center of attention. this can be a good. i can just let others not bother me and let them do their thing and not care what people think. buuuut, i'm bad at that, it seems. instead i'm more timid and feel kind of inferior. i am only now realizing it more and more because i have an awesome man in my life(yes i am talking about him AGAIN. i'm happy. get over it) who has to hear me talk so negatively about myself. i don't do it to many others. he gets it all. and i couldn't be more thankful for his love. seriously. i just wish he didn't have to hear it because i wish i didn't want to say it. with that, i'm trying to understand where it came from.
why do i struggle wih confidence?
what in my past has led to my sometimes ill-feelings of my self?

so...a little hint of my past.
-i grew up having many friends. many people i cared for. many people that you can even say i cared too much for. for many years i've focused too much on putting the needs of others before my own, that sometimes i'd let it get so bad that i'd let "friends" walk all over me----> thus, pushover-katie was born.

-there have been specific moments with friend old friends and some acquaintances, where there was an unnecessary rivalry. like, i'd come upon a girl. we'd become friends because of our surface-level similarities, and then i'd notice a glimmer of competition in her eye. whether it was over a boy, or an outfit, a tattoo, or anything, really, it felt like this other girl at that time would feel the need to be the center of attention in any situation. she needed to be center stage even for just an audience of one.since this has happened so often, i kinda just let it go(tho i will admit, there were moments i competed right back. but that cattyness SHOULD only last so long, and if i'm lucky, not at all). most of the time, i'd let whoever was competing "win" more or less. i'd back away, but not in an "ok i'll let you do you're thing and be bitchy while i watch you act like a fool" kind of way, more in the "you have succeeded at making me feel like shit. i shall be in this corner" kind of way.----pushover-katie, the saga continues...

-then i had the people that disapproved of my choices(that's kind of a different realm but still totally relates). i had the people who thought me being an artist was dumb or the people that mocked my tattoos or my hair. then i'd have the people who never truly told me how they felt, but because i judged them by their seemingly snooty nature, i assumed they judged me back and looked down on me for my future plans, or lack there-of(that's a lot of my own assumptions getting to me). ---> is and was all complete bullshit because i really don't know when i started to take others' opinions so seriously. this isn't their life, and the day i decided they had a hand in it was they day i got dumb.

yep.
that's a bit of my life. looking back on it, i know i'm not alone with these struggles. so that's cool. it's just if so many people encounter struggles like this or have issues with feeling inferior or lack confidence, how do they make things better? how do they strengthen themselves and gain a backbone? how do they gain confidence? i'm trying to make a guess and figure out it, but what i also want to know, is why are these past experiences getting to me now? why does it take FOREVER for me to process feelings? it took me about 6 years to feel like a truly recovered from a painful relationship that changed me. SIX YEARS and i still think i sometimes regress and have to remember to be strong and happy in life. i guess i am finally really dealing with the confidence problems i have had over the years. i guess i'm finally coping and learning and HOPEFULLY, if all goes well, growing from it.

sooooooo, now that you have gotten this far, you are allowed to read the final portion...
the list.
my thoughts.
what i've learned.
ready, set, go:
1. keeping unkind people away from your heart is probs a good thing. by probs i mean TOTALLY.
2. really thinking about your hopes, dreams, goals, and loves will help you remember what matters, and hopefully focusing on what matters in your own life, will help you to not worry about other peoples' opinions of you and your life.
3. YOU control your life. no one else.
4. loving boyfriends make things better.
5. maybe people try to compete with you because they consider you a threat. how BA is that?
6. focus on what makes you happy and never forget to pamper yourself every once in a while.
7. sometimes with a set life plan who then follow it to a tee aren't happy, because they only focus on the plan, and not what puts a smile on their face.(i may be wrong but i think i have seen examples of this from time to time).

so yeah yeah yeah there's 7 cool thoughts to consider.

ALSO, here's some cool things i'm personally going to try to do now that i have sat down and thought about way more than i planned to:
1. i'm going to try not to dwell on the past so much.
2. instead of thinking about the rough relationships that i have had and moved on from, i should focus on the great relationships i still have that make me a better person every day.
3. i'm going to focus on what/who makes me happy.
4. i think i'm going to do a bit of pampering very soon. sometimes it's just good for the soul :)
5. i'm gunna pray, but that's just me.

 

confident findings.

this was something i wrote the other day, but never got a chance to put it on here.
it's just some life thoughts that lead to some thoughts on art and inspiration and creation.
enjoy.

"today i noticed that i truly lacked in myself. i've been told that i lacked confidence in the past, but never really saw it myself, like i have lately. often, i get told 'you are beautiful,' just by my wonderful boyfriend but by many others. i am so thankful, but it was only today that i noticed this: every time someone says that i am beautiful, i feel not only flattered, but shocked and confused. it's as if i am never aware of my own beauty even though i am told of it often. i can honestly say that i think i have beautiful facial features and i can only thank God, my parents, and genetics for that. but my shocked and confused feelings still exist when i am told of my beauty. with this, i really saw how little confidence i had. i'm not sure when i lost it or if i ever truly had it at all, but either way, i believe it is time to accept these compliments with a smile and 'thank you!' rather than a look of confusion. i'd lke to think i have displayed a great deal of confidence off and on for many years and maybe this is just a low point.

i like fashion and makeup and hair. i like to 'doll myself up' on a pretty regular basis. i think that can either mean i feel strong and beautiful that i want to shine, OR i want to hide how terribly i feel about myself with layers of fabric and powder and glitz. i guess it just depends on the day. i feel like this is only natural for people(though i'm specifically focusing on me/a female). now that i have really noticed my low self-esteem issues, i guess i want to make it a new goal to dress up and put makeup and jewelry on more because i want to accentuate the beauty that i already have. this needs to become a norm. i need to feel beautiful at least 70% of the time(but shoot for always).

this may sound stupid. like, how can someone suddenly decide that the agree with others in thinking they are beautiful person? you can't. you can't just flip a switch and i know that, but i also know that i do feel beautiful at times. i do feel comfortable. i just need to figure out how to find more comfort in myself. i need to figure out what makes me truly feel beautiful. i need to get my confidence back. i need to truly feel beautiful and not just smile and nod in  confusion at the idea. i know that it takes time. it takes strength. it takes will. i'm up for the challenge."

my little notes:
-i truly believe that everyone has the potential to be a beautiful inside and out, so what gives me the right to think i'm not a part of this "everyone"?
-beauty isn't only skin-deep, but it's the skin-deep/physical beauty that i have such a hard time accepting.
-honestly, i think i have an idea as to when my confidence left. so i guess i must start over and build up and even more confident me. i must recharge.

random beauty thoughts:
-it is distorted to me. i know that it comes in all shapes and sizes and forms and yet i strive to become a specific shape. i sometimes worry that i will never truly be happy with myself because i am not exactly what i'd hope for. BUT i still think my shape can be beautiful. i feel beautiful and i don't at the same time. i have two conflicting views at all times.
-i mock fashion while loving it at the same time. i think you have to be willing to make fun of yourself, and that includes what you love. THAT can be confidence.
-BEAUTY IS NOT FLEETING unless a personality changes for the worse, and that is the ONLY WAY. i and the world must know that.


all these thoughts have given me the inspiration to paint.
i don't know how many artists it will take to truly understand beauty. but i'd love to added to that long list of people.

https://www.facebook.com/rosierockitt

thanks for reading!
-k

5. katie rose closet challenge

this is a rather belated entry as i planned to write this around the first of the month, but better late then never, i guess.

as part of my new years resolution, i decided to try to wear a different outfit every day for AT LEAST the entire year. my goal is to mix and match everything i own as to not leave anything sitting in my closet.

you see, i have a lot of clothes. i mean A LOT. too many, really. i love fashion, i love shopping and i love sewing and because of that, i have way more than one girl needs. but i love my clothes! i love getting dressed every day and really expressing my personality through the clothing i own. i'm also, stupid-attached to some things even though i don't wear everything. because of that, i decided to do this challenge. i figured, if i'm going to continue purchasing clothes and making clothes, i MUST wear a different outfit every day so i don't waste money or clothing. on top of that basic challenge that i'm giving myself, i also want to regularly go through my clothes to see if anything should go to goodwill. if i want to make any new things, some of it can definitely be added to my wardrobe, but some of it should go on my etsy page(https://www.etsy.com/shop/rosierockitt).

so...i am keeping track of my daily outfits. i am taking photos of every day and putting it on instagram(chitatie).

this will help me keep track and kind of let the world keep me accountable. that may sound silly to take this challenge so seriously, but i find it important. some people have so little, and i have so much. if i am going to have so much, i want it to be worth it. after the year is up, i'm going to look at the images of all the outfits and see if there's anything i barely wore or didn't wear at all. those pieces must go. someone who needs it or want it, should have it.

so, thats the plan.
to sum it up:
-don't be wasteful
-give when you can
-if you love fashion, love it hard :P

if you feel like you have too many things and think you need to do a challenge of sorts for yourself, join me. it's kind of a fun little experiment :)

hopefully i have a lot to give away and alot to sell.

and please, check out my etsy!! i'm planning to add more clothes and maybe even expand to artwork soon enough.

this challenge shall be a fun one :)
-k

i don't do what i do for a reason.

i don't care.
not as i used to.
it was like breathing.

now it's just like jewelry.
just an accessory to my life.
i do love it.
it adds something to my everyday, but it's not something i yearn for.
                                                                   not something i can't live without.

sometimes i think i'm lucky.
sometimes i think i'm cursed.
to have little feeling towards this gift.
                                 towards something i once loved.
                                               something i once put all my heart and all my hours into.

now i sleep.
now i eat.
now i interact on a deeper level with people i find most dear.
now, life doesn't revolve around something that has the potential me nowhere.
now i'm growing more happy with that.
now, it feels right.

the idea of the curse is slowly passing.
the feeling of bliss is coming over me.
it's becoming another thing i am thankful to have a knack for.
                      a nice little talent i can pull out of the attic whenever it feels like the right time.
it's becoming that priceless heirloom that you only bring out to show people on special occasion.
                      an antiquity, almost.
                      such a delicate and beautiful part of my life that can only be out in the open for a small amount of time or it won't age well. it could rust or break. it will get very old very fast and instead of being something so magnificent, it will be that shotty old toy of your great great grandfather's that has little to no value now. it will be worthless to me.

some things age well and have a value that only grows.
this is not one of those things.
i keep it boxed up.
i keep it protected.
i keep it for the special occasions in life.

so much good!

About a year ago today i began to really feel lost. That quarter-life crisis had begun and there was so much more crisis-ing to come that i couldn't have been less prepared for. At this point, it had only been a summer since graduating from college and the plan i had since age 9 had ended. I crossed the finish line. All i knew that i wanted in life was to go to bg for art. Thats about as far as my life planning got other than marriage and babies. I never cared about a career. I never wanted to travel the world. I didnt really want to do anything. I wasnt even that rebellious until like 2 years ago and if there are levels for rebellion im like a trainee, and totally cool with it. really. I was living on my simple little cloud until it just disappeared when i was handed my empty diploma folder and told to smile for the camera. From that point, my plan was to look for a job and live with my friends. Check. Mini mission accomplished. And then i really realized how dreary and boring my world was and how scared i was to really embrace the bigger world. AND THEN i also realized i didnt give a shit. There was nothing that i wanted to do. I didnt really care about making a difference, being an artist, or pursuing anything. Didnt even want to help and love people as i always used to. I was sucked dry of my love for others and myself. Sounds rather emotional, and damn is that accurate. To add to the emotional distress over my fears and uncertainties, the only thing that i new i wanted for my life was something that i could not do alone. I wanted a legitimate healthy relationship that leads to marriage and children. Thats definitely still something i have on my "hope agenda" but thats another rant, entirely.
Anyhoo, instead i had a few minor romantic moments but nothing right. whether it was them, or me, or both, no dice. So i did what every lost single white female college graduate with an ART degree would do. I kinda just tried to ignore my sorrows and carry on with life until i finally had a meltdown or two. Kept doin what i was doin. Or "kept on truckin" as the young folks say. That didn't last long. instead, it formed a roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I was happy and blissfully blind to what was wrong and then id be a depressed about how lost i felt and then again and again and so on, and you trackin with me family?
So there you have it. the obligatory katie disclaimer. I know I've written about it before and i know I've probably said the same thing in every different way possible since i decided to give a shit about my struggles and try to do something BUT heres something new: i actually think there's change. Things are happening. I can feel it. I don't have any major life goal other than the same old hope as usual, but i feel purpose again. I feel more like myself. AND i feel like this is only the beginning. It feels so good. Yes, there will be some momentary setbacks, but that's to be expected.
God it's so nice.
So, want to hear my life possibilities and small goals that you're going to hear/ read whether you'd like to or not, considering you're reading this? K cool.
So...
-go to disney world with my friends possibly within the next year
-save up for a computer and a scanner
-learn more about photoshop and other editing tools. Figured i should probably finally get with the times especially since i may want to work with illustrating and graphics.
-look into illustration opportunities
-once i get a newer body of work put together, look for shows. Thats not really anything new but i know that i need to care about my work instead of just letting it chill in my closet and letting the ideas chill in my brain.
-possibly go to hair school (I'm still uncertain, but we shall just see).
-travel somewhere for the freedom and new experiences because i know i need to branch out! Ive never had the urge to travel, and yet all the wonderful movies about finding yourself and growing and getting through pain have to do with traveling so i'm thinking they may be on to something.
-feel even more like myself and be better than the katie i was yesterday. i know i don't need to change Anything about myself EXCEPT for finding comfort. I need to grow more confident with who i am and find strength. I want it, so i will make it happen and it'll be beautiful. I will feel beautiful.
And yeah, there are totally more but its 4 am so i can't think as well as i'd like.
So. There you have it. I feel like i have goals to reach and it feels good. I feel good. Things are good. Im a legally driving adult with a job and goals. Ive been a whirlwind of emotion for the last year and considering i've been a pretty balanced and level headed girl all of my life, it was do much tougher than it should have been.
There are a select group of people that i couldn't be more thankful for having in my life to go through this journey with. I Love them so much. They've dealt with shit and put me through shit and they've helped me to really see who is important and what's so important about me. Their existence in y life just adds to the joy!
Here's one more goal...
become emma stone. I know i am me and my own person and i shouldn't wish to be someone else, but i am pretty sure if you mix emma stone and every character she has played and sprinkle a little bit of juno mcguff on top, you have my spirit animal. They say and do what i wish i was ballsy and witty enough to say and do. Emma stone's confidence and balance of funny and beautiful is the most admirable thing and really, to be monumentally cheesy, she is what i feel like on the inside. Lol so there is that.

i usually add an image of some kind. i didn't last time i wrote. it felt weird. so here's a koala :)

hopefully soon

for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

***

i've felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy. that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy. usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.

***
A leads to B

A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.

the cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.

the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...

...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.

do i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.

do i allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine. that wall is difficult to break.

B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.

the cause: see A

the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"

i believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.

***

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
                                              by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"

this song sparked an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not by now, what good is this rant to you, really.

***

it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.