melancholy toe-tapping: the art of pretend patience.

alloh.

just so ya knows, this is probably going to become a series of blog posts. a lot of "melancholy toe-tapping" going on over here. be prepared for a mixture of sadness(as i wait to see my fiance again), happiness (as i think of my future with him), and fake patience...because patience is a virtue i don't really possess right now.

 

now that that's been said, yes, it's time to fake some patience!

here's why:

• i'm getting married in june of 2016

• my fiance' is living in canada

• i STILL don't have my passport and have no clue when i could call off work to visit him.

• his job doesn't give much time for a visit anyway

• it's only june of TWO THOUSAND FIFTEEN

i miss him a lot and get to see him from time to time up until the big day, but i'm just so excited and antsy that i just want my life with him to start already. i know, my life with him is currently going on, but you know what i mean. basically, i need to figure out a way to pass the time without really feeling like i'm "passing time". i'm not going to waist a year of my life waiting to be happier. i'm going to live happy with the life that i have right now, i just need to figure out a way to not be discouraged. 

"Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord."

-Psalm 27:14

so, patience.

patience is a noun. it is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. it is a beautiful virtue. virtues are virtues because they take strength and will to have. they take a great amount of effort that we are not always wiling to unleash. we all have things we are waiting for. we have expectations.  patiently waiting for something can be painfully difficult, but patience is truly a positive virtue i think we must all learn to possess.

to be patient, i think, is to be calm. patience gives us a chance to stop and take a breath and enjoy the littlest things going on in our everyday lives. when we enjoy the little things, we are OVERJOYED by the big things, and the bad things aren't nearly as harmful to our spirits. 

 

patience really makes everything better. BUT, as i said before, patience is hard. if need be, you may need to fake it til you truly feel it can be accomplished. so, until i feel like a patient person, i must fake it. i must figure out how to fake it...

here's how(my attempts):

• i am going to start stretching every day, morning and night, just so i can clear my head and prepare myself for each day
• i am going to keep reading. i don't read much, but when i do, it calms me so much. if i read about patience and personal growth, it'll be even better!
• i MUST keep talking to my wonderful fiance' quite regularly, but still try to keep to the system we have so we aren't suffocating each other due to loneliness
• i want to make sure every day has something enjoyable, if not for me, then for someone else, but maybe both if i'm lucky :P
• anytime i feel a rush of impatient feelings invading my heart i want to stop and think of all that i'm thankful for right here and now
• if i'm REALLY STRUGGLING with patience, i'll just do some more intense wedding planning and accept my impatient nature. lol
 

now, i'm not the only one struggling with patience. the feeling is definitely mutual between my fiance' and me, but he had some wonderful words to perfectly go along with these thoughts on faking patience.

          "first off, it's an endeavor that is larger than ourselves, so it's important to have God's help.

           second, is to control your thoughts and behaviors. don't feel patient? ask yourself, if i were 

           patient, what would i do. then fake it like you were. eventually this becomes habit, and the

           fake becomes real."-josh evans

so, there's that. 

some plans to fake some patience. 

here's hoping i can make it real patience soon enough.

thanks for reading. :)

-k/r

Dry patch life

Be ready for some cheesy metaphors and corny uplifting quotes :)

Sometimes we hit a dry patch in life. Everything is dead and dying and there's no new growth. And nothing helps to rejuvenate.

like this random dead spot of grass right here, is your life ^

 

but sometimes it may feel like this ^ (minus the gorgeous sky, btw)

Its like the world has stopped just for a bit and nothing can be done to get it going again, at least not on your own. Terms.
God's terms and God's time don't tend to always match up with ours.

"Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart." - Psalm 27:14

"strength will rise as we wait upon the lord"-Everlasting God

I know not everyone believes what I believe. Just know that no matter what, I'm praying and hoping for your joy.

It can be so difficult to cope with. I couldn't even begin to fathom the struggle for some, but it is so real. The worst part is that this dead feeling could disappear and return or just stay for quite a long time. The fact this is the case for some just seems so cruel. Supposedly God only gives us what we can handle, and if that's the case, some people ate damn strong.

I'm lucky and i know it.
My dry patch in life can be quickly healed with a little love and relaxation. But like i said, i'm quite lucky.

 If i could pass my joy along to another and help rejuvenate and heal a dry time, i would do it every day. If i knew how, i would. In a heartbeat. But i know that sometimes, all we can do is pray, hope, and wait. And that sucks. But i will never stop praying for a quick recovery for anyone's dry time. For new growth, new life, and a reason to smile again.  We all need that.

One last thing.
Just a little love from my favorite coming-of-age movie to get me through some rough times.
Good ole' Elizabethtown.

I'm going to go run, eat some chocolate, and try to wait out my dry patch life.
Hope you can too.

Thanks for listening.

Love, k/r

Lappy love & Resolutions revisited: a nice little update

Lappy Love

alright, laptop acquired. i finally have a computer, thanks to my wonderful boyfriend. he gave me his old one and now i can be a normal 20something who follows youtube channels, online news articles, and takes a copious amount of quizzes!! woot!!

i can now...
1. create word documents
2. watch movies in my room
3. keep up with youtube channels like eat your kimchi
4. actually pay attention to the news and current events
5. pin even more frequently than i already do
6. set up my website and update other pages from home
7. not need to go to the library as much
8. BLOG...yeah. happening.
9. probably more, but nothing important enough for me to remember on my own.
10. and find memes like the one below :D

so, thank you to my awesome gentleman of a boyfriend!!

P.S. my laptop's name is sparkles magillicuddy the third. it's desktop background is ...

so, now that that little bit of word-vomit joy has been spewed, here's something else :D

Resolutions Revisited

it has been a bit more than half a year since i decided to have my first official new years resolutions!! it's been a really awesome journey so far and i guess i just wanted to update you all on my progress or lack of progress depending on the subject.

to recap my list, here's my list:

1. HEALTH: i plan to get back into my work out routine, add running/walking, take additional vitamins(fish oil) and Metamucil, have strict sleeping habits, cut down and eventually cut out energy drinks and pop, have a more strict and healthy diet with digestive and metabolism assisting foods, do yoga.

HEALTH in actuality: my work out schedule is a bit on the irregular side, but i have lost a few pounds, been taking better vitamins, and my dietary plan is a lot healthier than it used to be while also being a lot better for my digestive problems. i do feel like i've been getting more regular hours of sleep nightly, but i'm still not the best at mornings. i need to work on that whole "morning" thing as coffee is starting to become less effective. i almost never drink energy drinks anymore and only on rare occasions do i have a soda(yes, i said soda.) i have yet to run, i walk a bit more, i dont do yoga yet, and i slightly hoola hoop but have't really done that in a month. TONIGHT i shall work out a bit, and tomorrow i shall do a lot of walking and maybe start back into hooping. we shall see :)

2. READING: read at least 12 books in the year period, while adding books of the bible from time to time.

READING: i have been reading the bible off and on, basically been listening to an audio book of Mere Christianity (narrated by my boyfriend), and been slowly reading a memoir by Sting called Broken Music. this is all of the extra-curricular reading i have been doing since january. womp womp.

3. ART: make at least one painting per month and one drawing per week, add paintings to my etsy, update tumblr, pinterest, and facebook, apply to at least 2 shows in the year, look into what needs to be done to be a freelance artist.

ART: i've painted a lot and drawn a lot!! been updating my etsy, pinterest and facebook. need to update my tumblr and create my website soon. I've sold 2 pieces from my newest series and have more possible buyers. I have multiple places in the area wanting to have my work displayed in their shops! so far, the art front is going magnificently!!!! I do need to look into shows, but nothing i have found so far is all that appealing or soon. I also have a book about being a freelance artist that i need to read! definitely more to do, but i'm feeling good about it!

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a7/1f/42/a71f428042a5b248e400d9534c2ac799.jpg

4. HAIR: do not drastically change hair for at least a year, let it be gradual and dont let my emotions take over.

HAIR: i wrote that when i had dark hair...it is now white blonde again but that one drastic change happened, and since then i have been doing things gradually with my hair. hoping to even try growing it out :D

5. FASHION: wear a different outfit every day for the entire year or more.

FASHION: still in progress and i know i haven't taken a picture every single day like i planned to, but i'm trying. 

so that's life for now. thats how im doing. i'd definitely give myself a C+/B- on the resolution accomplishments, but hey, i still have a few months til a new new year comes around and by then there will be even more things to accomplish in life. 

i couldn't be more excited!!

-k/r

punching bags, ice cream, and all the likes.

disclaimer: this may be a bit scatterbrained(or maybe kind of word-vomit-ty) and not really so "informative" but more of a diary of my happy thoughts. therefore, you will either read this and get nothing out of it but just a little bit of my brain and my heart, or there's some hidden little bit of guidance. i guess that's for you to decide, so this disclaimer may be unnecessary.

Google definition of anger:

an·ger

ˈaNGgər/

noun

noun: anger; plural noun: angers

1.

a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"

synonyms:

rage, vexation, exasperation, displeasure, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique

I felt this... all of this.

Today i felt the most intense anger i have felt in a long time. it did not last long and i didn't react as violently as i have in the past. afterwards, i didn't know what to feel. i didn't know what to do except talk and get slightly teary. today i felt unloved and disregarded and even abandoned. there's no detail to this story that is necessary. all that is required is that you that only about an hour ago, maybe less, i was LIVID. 

i was told to pray.

my boyfriend told me to pray.

***

prayer

-i'd put up the definition i found on google, but i found it ill-equipped

...i haven't prayed as much as i used in the last year. it's been rather sporadic and seemed to be only when i felt so at a lost that "oh i guess i will have to turn to God". i used to pray even in joy, but for a while, God angered me. praying just seemed pointless for a while. off and on for the last few months i've been falling in love with my faith again. it's been a slow and somewhat rocky fall, but only in the last month or so has it been less rocky and more smooth and even comforting. to actually take comfort in the lord, it's so choice. :) 

i prayed a bit before i wanted to type, but there will be more for me after. just being able to sit and think and talk and pray to God. being thankful for the greatness of life, asking for peace and understanding to come over, and talking about anything and everything. some my find that idea crazy, but as many have said, we are all snowflakes. i believe what i believe, and you believe what you believe, and if we happen to believe similar things, it seems we may have a bit more in common.

so i was told to pray, and what happened? i felt a sigh of relief. i felt calm, at least in comparison to the urge t throw things that i had only seconds before. so much peace. he said "pray" and it's like a lightbulb went off. lol i felt like a dope. a happy dope, at least. i didn't even think to pray at first, because i was so angry. the fact that all i needed was for someone so wonderful and caring to say "just pray" made things so much better. things arent perfect and i do intend to pray much more throughout the evening, but dang...

***

that wonderful man that told me to pray...he's pretty great. i went from being enraged and wanting to punch things and cry, to feeling at least 80% better JUST because of his comfort. it seems i am more and more thankful and excited each day for his existence in my life. it's kinda scary, but i like it. like like like like...yep. all the likes.

it seems i have notes about the awesomeness of relationships....who knew?

-never stop looking for something/someone that will make your life better.

-if he/she makes you smile when you should be crying...he/she just may be a keeper.

-if he/she helps you learn, helps you focus, and helps you grow, he/she is part magic.

-if he/she screeches like a velociraptor, he may just be part velociraptor.

-always feel loved. if you don't, there's a problem.

-hugs, even virtually, and kind of wonderful.

i'm not saying that i wouldn't pray if he wasn't around, i'm just saying, he helped.

find someone that helped. it's nice :)

-k/r