melancholy toe tapping: AEA meetings?

"i am very thankful for the time God gives me to plan and prepare myself," said the girl impatiently waiting for her wedding in June while trying to find the upside of it only being march.

i say this and even though i really just want to be married already, i am honestly so happy with the time i have to grow. i am trying to focus on my personal growth as much as i can before i embark on a new adventure with an amazing man. with that, i would like to tell you about what i would like to call AEA or anxious, engaged anonymous. 
This is something i just thought of, so bare with me. lol.
here's some general information about the group.

• it's not a group. 
• we don't meet. 
• we mainly just sit and stew about all the things that give us anxiety.
• we happen to all be getting married soon
• by we, i mean i

i am a somewhat anxious person, especially if i have many things to dwell on. it seems that as of late, i dwell on almost everything. on top of that, i'm planning a wedding. i am constantly thinking about how i'm going to spend my life with another human being by my side. everything this one human does will affect me, and vice versa. being married is such a crazy amazing responsibility and before pursuing it, i want to make sure i am a mature adult(or as mature as i can be).

now that i have written that lovely disclaimer, i hope you enjoy the next portion...

nice segway. good job.

8 step program for emotional stability before marriage for katie witherell

1. i admit that i can not control time. that is not my job.
2. i accept that i can use this time to better myself for the future and i plan to focus on the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of my life.
3. i trust in god's plan, though some days i definitely don't like it because a long engagement on top of an already long distance relationship is very very difficult.
4. i have made a mental list of all the things/people that cause me to feel any anxiety or animosity, and have considered how to end those feelings and find peace.
5. i am slowly finding that peace by asking forgiveness and letting go of unnecessary grudges,
6. i truly believe that i am ready to pursue a better more mature life and am so overjoyed to continue maturing with a wonderful husband in just a few short months.
7. i am constantly asking for strength and serenity.
8. i will never stop trying to cut out the toxicity in my life and prevent any anxiety i can.

so, there you have it. the very spiritually centered steps to a better more prepared and calm katie.

i feel like they are kind of cryptic, but they definitely get the job done. i feel like i am already pursuing all of these steps at one time. but i tend to enjoy multi-tasking. lol

ps: i hope no-one takes offense that used the idea of a 12 step program as my template. i find it quite beneficial to personal and spiritual growth. 

thanks for reading.

<3 k/r

melancholy toe-tapping: migratory fears

music.
sometimes music really gets to me. mind you, i was pms-ing at the time, but still. the other night, i decided to play an old cd from college while driving home from work. the music is beautiful and melancholy, and really perfect when you need a good cry. once one song came on, i discovered, apparently i needed that good cry.
the entire 25 minute left of my drive was spent bawling my eyes out and listening to the song on repeat.

the song is called "long coat on" by the Cincinnati(i think)-based duo, Ellery.
as i said, it's beautiful. take a listen.

https://vimeo.com/11684112

 

now all of their music is potentially tear-worthy, but this one really hit home as of late.

as i've stated in past posts, i'm getting married and  probably moving to Canada. SUPER EXCITING!!! BUUUUT...

did i mention i've barely ever left ohio...and have only lived in one house(minus college) my whole life? and that i'm an only child with a very large extended family? and that i'm very close to both of my parents?

here are some lyrics do gie you a little idea of where i'm at(it's kind of ridiculous):

"it was a long winter for katie...one day katie'd finally go..."

"...she was waving her hat in her hand when she said goodbye..."

"mama stood there gawking by the doorway, she'd never guess she'd finally go..."

NOW, that's only a small portion of the water-work educing lyrics. the rest had to do with her really wanting to get out of where she was, finally experiencing the world, and leaving everyone behind.

 so yeah, it gets worse.

 every. single. line. of this song affected me. most of it felt like it was speaking to me, saying exactly how i've been feeling only because i want to move on with my life and be married and be with my favorite person every day for the rest of my life. the rest of it just brought all my fears to  my attention at the same time.

 

my fears post wedding: 

1. living in a new place(especially new country with a slight to complete language barrier)
2. not being able to find a job, especially with a language barrier getting in the way, and because of that, be an intense burden on my husband causing him to pull all the weight in the income department
3. being so far away from most friends and loved ones and not being able to make many new friends
4. making people feel like i'm abandoning them
5. feeling alone(i will have josh, which is such an intense blessing, but with his work schedule, it might be more lonely than lovely)
6. missing my parents
7. not being able to contribute and feeling quite worthless
8. feeling stupid for not understanding those around me like at least %60 of the time

so there's that.
lately, josh and i haven been talking about future travels and plans and every time we've talked, i've just gotten sad and scared and couldn't voice exactly why. this song played, and everything came to light. we talked things out through my tears and let me just say, no matter how terrified i am of the future, i couldn't be more excited for it! life is going to be scary. new things will happen and a lot will change, but i need to keep reminding myself that it is an adventure and i should trust in god and try not to be fearful when i have such a wonderful life ahead of me.

 

thanks for reading.

love, k/r

melancholy toe-tapping: a new year for a white wedding!

Sooooooooo, i'm pretty stoked. 

It is officially less than six months before my wedding!

 

Can you tell I'm excited??!?!

Christmas came and went. It was stressful, but glorious, and taking my fiance' back to the airport was much less depressing than normal. This time around, we said our farewell without tear and with lots of giddy smiles because we new the next time he'd be leaving on a plane, I'd be with him. It's such a joy and a treasure to have him in my life and to be able to spend these next few months excitedly getting all the details together for the rest of my life with the best human! 

Now that it's the new year and the wedding is up and coming, I've been thinking of those good ole' resolutions and questioning if I've changed and how I've grown in the last year. The answer to that is, YES, I've changed and grown so much in the last year and have learned a lot more about myself that I'd like to share.
So.
I don't have resolutions, per-say. Mainly, this year is going to be about marriage, communication, connectivity, and self-awareness. That sounds like a lot of things, but it's a lot of things that i think a newlywed who's moving away from all of her friends and family should be focusing on hardcore.

 

 Being self-aware is something that I'm focusing on the most right now, as I feel like it effects everything else.

 (I know i talk about understanding who I am at least yearly on here, but it's a never-ending thing, so expect more, in time.)
I've discovered something about myself.
Since I got to that point in life where I really focused on what people thought of me (I don't think we should care what others think too much, but it happens and it's hard not to), I've compared myself to a lot of people and molded to better-fit the people I was around. I even competed the minute I felt competed with. I never really noticed til after. I wasn't self-aware enough to see how I was acting or what I was doing. It was something that I'd do and then a few weeks or months later I'd think about it and realize how I had acted in the past. It wasn't til lately that I noticed I've never truly been myself 100% of the time because I was trying to be like someone else or compete with someone else. It has come to my attention SO HARD in these last two years because I am loved by someone who loves the real me, and not some pretend person I have been at times. It is such a blessing because I've never felt more like myself. Josh really helps me notice that person that I want to be constantly and not just sometimes or around certain people.

No matter what, if you are adaptable, the people you are around most often do tend to rub off on you at least a little. I know with every passing day I become more and more like my future husband and many others, but especially with marriage and moving, I must really learn to remember who I am despite everything else, and surround myself with beautiful people who only make me stronger.

 

I guess I do have a specific new years resolution after all.

I want to make sure I'm always my whole self especially during this time of drastic change and growth and hopeful maturing with the man of my dreams.

 

It shall be a year of great change.
A year of truly understanding myself as I'm finally truly on my own.
There's no one for me to compare myself to.
No one to feel guilty for not being like.
Just me, and my husband, of course.
2016 shall be insanely glorious and terrifying.
I can't wait for the adventure that's in store!

thanks, k/r

melancholy toe tapping: the holiday season... halle-freakin-lujah!

hi there.
it has been about 3 months since i've seen my future husband. it will be about 3 months+ when i see him next.  thankfully, at this point, it's only 19 days and counting till that 3 month+ mark is up. until that glorious day arrives i have to keep myself happily occupied. i don't know if this is your life, but for me, being "occupied" up until Christmas is kind of intensely an understatement. every waking moment every day is devoted to thee holiday season.

allow me to explain what being "occupied" this time of year means to me, in list form of course.
because you see...

to-do before Christmas:

• paint
• sew presents
• re-create etsy account
• organize art supplies
• make new clothes for self
• practice some wedding makeup ideas
• work out
• plan new pescatarian dishes
• buy presents
• wrap presents

so, yeah, it may not seem like much, and may even seem slightly dumb, but goodnesssssssss is this going to take up all my time and then some. this time of year, i don't feel like much sleep happens. i'm just a busy little elf. that's me.
my life...

so yeah, there's that.
that's my life till i get to see my man, and probably a bit after.
happy holidays and merry christmas!
-k/r 
 

 

 

melancholy toe tapping: guest list anxiety.

 In about 1 month, my fiance' and i will be starting the official wedding planning process!! let the worry begin!

It's definitely exciting because we will get to to make our website, and design our invitations and programs, but it's more than nerve wracking as we are also starting to really narrow down our guest list. let me make this more clear: OUR GUEST LIST! I'm freaking out because it's stupidly a big deal. My first thought when i think of wedding guests is "friends and loved ones. people who we'd wana celebrate with." that's true, but it's so much more than that.

This is really what your potential guest list looks like:

• your best friends
• your old friends you still kind of keep in touch with but not really
• immediate family
• extended family that you think you're decently close to because your family is 3,000,000 people+
• most definitely the "elders" of the families
• your parents best friends
• your boss
• your coworkers
• that guy who makes your coffee every tuesday
• people whose weddings you were in because you fear rules
• EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER SMILED AT(and for me, that's a lot)
• don't forget the PLUS ONES

Now this is a bit of a stretch from the truth, but seriously not by much. guest lists are hard if you care about feelings even a little. some of these guests are totally important, and some really need to accept that you are just not that close...or that there are people closer that fit better into the 200ish seats. it's so hard to determine importance when it comes to your big day, because you want to invite everyone, but sadly, that's just not going to happen. believe me, i try, and when i try, i get a tiny little Regina George yelling in my ear and i get sad.

It's definitely emotionally draining to even think about the guest list, let alone, make one. a tentative one already exists, it's the REAL one that terrifies me, but it's a fear that i am definitely going to have to conquer if i want to be happy and calm during the rest of the wedding preparation. i must relax so we can narrow it down.

Alright. since i know i will have to attempt yoga a good 10 or more times til the wedding so i don't have weekly freak-outs, let's accept it and move on to what people consider the second scariest thing about a wedding guest list...

No, i'm not talking about the super boy-band-looking christian group (i honestly didn't know they were a thing until i looked it up. yay google.)

Plus-ones can be super tricky. Some weddings don't have them to save space, which sounds nice for the bride and groom, but not so nice for the guests who have to go alone when they already aren't much for "people-ing" as it is. conversating(yes i said conversating) and interacting with others at a big function can be super scary and draining for some people, especially without that one person you dragged along with you to cling to.
So, I'm all for plus-ones. sometimes. some people honestly may not get them. some people may get them and then i will immediately regret letting it happen because maybe i won't like the person they invite. maybe i didn't invite THAT person for a reason...

annnnnd, maybe i'm reaching and over thinking it all.

honestly, as the bride, plus-ones can be exciting. i love meeting new people who's names aren't ones i should have already remembered because they are family and the last time i saw them i was 5. these people are new. new can be nice.
and then there's the the plus-ones who you actually know and you realize they are actually brought as your cousin or friend's date and you get all giddy and excited for potential love like an annoying cupid. yes, i'm that type of person.

Now that all that has been said, i'm going to leave this here.

Thanks for reading :)
-k/r

melancholy toe tapping: passig the time without truly letting time pass (***with BONUS section**)

so, here we are, July 28th and still ELEVEN MONTHS AWAY from my wedding. it seems like it's at least a decade away. thankfully it's not, but goodness the waiting is rough. especially when you are in a long distance relationship on top of it. my daily emotional state causes me to be rather robotic. i think to myself,  "must pass time....must do things....must do stuff." so i'm super anal-retentive and listy and don't always feel like i can function appropriately, but i sure as hell try.

like "i have jobs to do. i must do them til june 26th or i'll die".

and then sometimes that robotic productive loon turns into a mopey little ball of sad who well get things done...eventually.

so, yeah, that can be rough.
thankfully i get out of those slumps really quick and get right back into worker-bee mode because i realize something: all i really want to do is pass the time. i want to let time pass until i can "start my life" and i truly, madly, deeply don't want to do anything else. but that is a wish that can/should not be granted, because that is a sad and unhealthy way to live. you should never live your life just waiting for the next best thing, the next weekend, the next holiday, your next vacation, to find the one, etc. instead of waiting for the next "big moment" in your life, you should enjoy every day until that moment arrives. yes, that moment may still be very important, but you shouldn't treat other moments as if they are worth nothing, as if your time was worth nothing.

here's a sports analogy for you (i know, weird, right?):
you're into the second half of a game, you love playing and you're good so you will obviously be chosen to play, but you actively choose to sit on the sidelines and wait for the game to be over because you are just so excited for your team's next game.
YOU DON'T DO THAT.
PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT.
YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
it's silly and pointless and a waist of precious time you could be spending on other things, like actually being a part of the game.

sometimes you may want to live your life like that player.
i've wanted to before and i probably will relapse and want to again, especially while i'm still so far away from my fiance' and just waiting til i FINALLY get to marry him.
it will be difficult but you, i, we all must try to pass our time wisely.
we must try to enjoy that time we have between big endeavors or joy will be much harder to come by.

i feel that the idea of passing time wisely is really the idea of finding peace in the everyday truly using what God has given you.

here's a little idea of how i have peace and attempt patience until my precious nuptials....
(ps: im so proud of the alliteration in that sentence. just sayin)

i have many lists and many ideas and many goals and MUCH WEDDING TO PLAN :D
here's a list...

bucket list for the time being

• make a t-shirt quilt
• apply to more art shows
• grow out my hair
• get in better shape
• make many new pieces of art work
• refine and tweak my wardrobe
• get better at hula hooping
• slowly but surely fix up my parents' house
• make many new articles of clothing
• visit with multiple friends in multiple regions
• get a lot of family time
• learn french
• read more
• work with my mother to make my wedding dress
• save up money for marriage, loans, and life
• get a couple more tattoos

that's just to name a few, and those are some pretty broad bullet points. i just want to say, i am so excited to accomplish every one plus many more as a wait for june to come. it shall be a long tedious journey of sometimes wanting to just curl in a ball and wait, but i will fight. i will enjoy my days til i enjoy them even more with my husband at my side.

i was going to end it here, but i had an idea.

ok, here's a fun little pop culturey nerd tangent. i'm going to compare the rules to surviving zombieland to surviving the time until [insert what you're waiting for here]  and see how they match up. in my case it'd be this,

RULES:how to survive the time until the wedding:

1. cardio (because dresses and wedding night and healthy living and stuff)
2. double tap (heheheheheehehe not yet)
3. beware of bathrooms (because on the wedding day, being the bride, you will hate them)
4. wear seat belts (because it's the law and you don't want to die)
5. no attachments (because too many frills can be a bad thing, especially in those bathrooms)
6. cast iron skillet (because rapunzel)
7. travel light (because you will have to learn for your future of constant migration and tiny apartments for hubby's work and because your cat will want to sit in your luggage)
8. get a kickass partner (this one just makes you bitter about the wait again.....do more cardio and try not to think about it)
9. with your bare hands (do some yard work, because you're a badass who should get some sun)
10. don't swing low (sweet chariot? this is not applicable)
11. use your foot (and try on ALL THE SHOES til you find some to go with that dress)
12. bounty paper towels (because you spill shit a lot and that will never stop)
13. shake it off (because taylor swift said so)
14. always carry a change of underwear (because reasons regarding bowels, apparently)
15. bowling ball (because bowling is a fun pass time)
16. opportunity knocks (this one's vague)
17. don't be a hero (or be one, if the moment required of course)
18. limber up (hehehehe...)
19. break it up (remind people to stop thinking their opions have validity in regards to YOUR wedding, because for the most part, they don't)
20. it's a marathon, not a sprint, unless it's a sprint, then sprint (this sounds like more cardio, but i'm tired now so no)
21. avoid strip clubs (that's a give-in)
22. when in doubt, know your way out (this sounds like a runaway bride scenario, not applicable)
23. ziplock (pack ALL THE LUNCHES, you're saving for a wedding)
24. use your thumbs ( tetris cant win it's self, SON!)
25. shoot first (because if you're playing anything other than tetris, it is all you'll know how to do)
26. a little sunscreen never hurt anybody (HOLY FREAKIN CHRISTMAS CAKE, FACCCCT!!)
27. incoming! (...this truly seems unnecessary)
28. double-knot your shows ( because you do it every day, so why stop now?)
29. the buddy system (again, sadness, therefore, cardio, unless i'm still tired)
30. pack your stain stick (because of the spilling)
31. check the backseat (because you may have left decorations back there and they need to be in specific boxes with the correct labels and images on them)
32. enjoy the little things (now i want a twinky)
33. swiss army knife ( because a nail kit can only be so helpful with everyday use)
34. clean socks (are always in my sock drawer)

well i found that quite beneficial. 

did you?

thanks for dealing with this snarky read.

k/r

melancholy toe-tapping: the art of pretend patience.

alloh.

just so ya knows, this is probably going to become a series of blog posts. a lot of "melancholy toe-tapping" going on over here. be prepared for a mixture of sadness(as i wait to see my fiance again), happiness (as i think of my future with him), and fake patience...because patience is a virtue i don't really possess right now.

 

now that that's been said, yes, it's time to fake some patience!

here's why:

• i'm getting married in june of 2016

• my fiance' is living in canada

• i STILL don't have my passport and have no clue when i could call off work to visit him.

• his job doesn't give much time for a visit anyway

• it's only june of TWO THOUSAND FIFTEEN

i miss him a lot and get to see him from time to time up until the big day, but i'm just so excited and antsy that i just want my life with him to start already. i know, my life with him is currently going on, but you know what i mean. basically, i need to figure out a way to pass the time without really feeling like i'm "passing time". i'm not going to waist a year of my life waiting to be happier. i'm going to live happy with the life that i have right now, i just need to figure out a way to not be discouraged. 

"Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord."

-Psalm 27:14

so, patience.

patience is a noun. it is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. it is a beautiful virtue. virtues are virtues because they take strength and will to have. they take a great amount of effort that we are not always wiling to unleash. we all have things we are waiting for. we have expectations.  patiently waiting for something can be painfully difficult, but patience is truly a positive virtue i think we must all learn to possess.

to be patient, i think, is to be calm. patience gives us a chance to stop and take a breath and enjoy the littlest things going on in our everyday lives. when we enjoy the little things, we are OVERJOYED by the big things, and the bad things aren't nearly as harmful to our spirits. 

 

patience really makes everything better. BUT, as i said before, patience is hard. if need be, you may need to fake it til you truly feel it can be accomplished. so, until i feel like a patient person, i must fake it. i must figure out how to fake it...

here's how(my attempts):

• i am going to start stretching every day, morning and night, just so i can clear my head and prepare myself for each day
• i am going to keep reading. i don't read much, but when i do, it calms me so much. if i read about patience and personal growth, it'll be even better!
• i MUST keep talking to my wonderful fiance' quite regularly, but still try to keep to the system we have so we aren't suffocating each other due to loneliness
• i want to make sure every day has something enjoyable, if not for me, then for someone else, but maybe both if i'm lucky :P
• anytime i feel a rush of impatient feelings invading my heart i want to stop and think of all that i'm thankful for right here and now
• if i'm REALLY STRUGGLING with patience, i'll just do some more intense wedding planning and accept my impatient nature. lol
 

now, i'm not the only one struggling with patience. the feeling is definitely mutual between my fiance' and me, but he had some wonderful words to perfectly go along with these thoughts on faking patience.

          "first off, it's an endeavor that is larger than ourselves, so it's important to have God's help.

           second, is to control your thoughts and behaviors. don't feel patient? ask yourself, if i were 

           patient, what would i do. then fake it like you were. eventually this becomes habit, and the

           fake becomes real."-josh evans

so, there's that. 

some plans to fake some patience. 

here's hoping i can make it real patience soon enough.

thanks for reading. :)

-k/r

katie logic: weddings, adulthood, friendships, oh my.

I'v been a bit scatterbrained as of late. I have a lot of thoughts, but they're not exactly organized. at least, not really. thank God for bullet points. bullet points are my friend.

OK, so Weddings:

• there's been a bit of a pause on the wedding planning. right now i'm getting more of the big things taken care of(ie: venues, officiant, colors, etc) because there's only so much i can do so early on, and for the most part, i did a lot of that a couple months ago. 
• we are in the middle of prom season, so glitzy long dresses are in stores and on sale!!! Soooo, bridesmaids dresses are slowly being acquired and its glorious, but that means more opinions and more decisions which will lead to even more opinions and decisions. So that's exciting and nerve-wracking. 
• the venues are officially booked(for the most part) which is also super exciting and nerve-wracking. i feel so blessed and can't wait to marry the best man in the world, but it's scary. thankfully i think the happy trumps the scary. LIKE WOAH!
• ITS HAPPENING!!! IT"S SO SURREAL!!! I GET TO MARRY THE BEST GUY EVER!!! 14 MONTHS FROM SUNDAY!!!! WUUTTTTTTT UPPPPP!

with those wedding notes come the true reason for this post. relationships.

      it is so crazy how much relationships change when you get married or plan on getting married. i'm starting to really see that now and i have a feeling i'm going to see more. i've heard things like "you can never have a male friend again because you're getting married" and "friendships don't need to change because you're married" and "you lose a lot of friends once you're married" and those statements and anything like those statements are both somewhat legit and a bunch of hooey.

• theses statements have a bit of validity but it really depends on the situation.

in regards to  "you can never have a male friend again because you're getting married":

• mainly, if you are a woman and you have male friends, and you get married AND if you are a man and you have female friends and you get married, things WILL change a bit. No matter what, if you respect and honor your spouse, if you plan on spending anytime with someone of the opposite sex it will be something discussed and understood and agreed upon by you and your spouse, period. And that's how i feel about that. 

•  i believe that those friendships only really change because you are constantly considering your spouse, but other than that, it shouldn't change too much. 

• i have many close male friends. one of them is in my bridal party, so there's that.

in regards to "friendships don't need to change because you're married" and "you lose a lot of friends when you're married":

•   i've noticed a lot of dynamics change in the last 4 months. certain relationships are becoming less important while others are resurfacing. it's so crazy. 

•  once married or even working towards marriage, your free time for others will lessen, therefore you will have to choose exactly who gets your free time other than your spouse, and that can be difficult and a CHANGE. 

• now that i'm engaged and planning my future and my "adult life" i'm discovering who find me important and who i truly find important. i'm finally understanding why some friends, after marriage trickle off, and some actually become closer. this realization will really become even more clear when the time comes to pick the guest list. stay tuned.

• i don't want to "lose a lot of friends" but i would like to really see who is important to me and balanace my time accordingly.

• my sposue will be getting the majority of my attention and friends who don't get that may actually not understand me or my spouse and may not even really understand love. that'll either be something to work on or something to let go of. in a good healthy relationship, spouse comes first.

in this next year

•  i want to strengthen the relationships i hope to continue far into my married life

•  i want to distance myself a bit from those who only seemed like convenience friends

•  i want to become even more of someone i find worthy of being friends with

end thoughts

• you really notice who your real friends are when you step closer into adulthood(in this case, marriage).

• you're more aware of your time and where it's going.

• so much of your time will be going towards your spouse(out of pure choice) and therefore you must decide who else wil take up some of your time as well even if it's just random phone calls and letters.

these may all be blanket statements and rather generic things that others would read and be like "no shit" but hey, i'm new to this so i'm noticing a lot.

that's all.

k/r

engaged, lonely, and obsessive.

Ok, so here's my life right now:

- I got Engaged over Christmas Eve!!!! WOOOT!

- My fiance' got a new awesome job in Montreal that just started.

- I'm in Bowling Green working, saving, living life as normal, but with a wedding to plan.

(also, one of my roommates is also engaged, and that should factor in)

So, if you couldn't tell, I'm happy, sad and extremely excited to be married to the love of my life. The wedding isn't until June of next year, but I'm also very into party-planning. I ADORE IT. Planning a party of any kind is seriously one of the most fun ways i could spend my day. Party planning, shopping, painting, and changing my hair.  Now considering the circumstances, I should be saving money, so I shouldn't shop. I also want to grow my hair out for the wedding, so no crazy changes. That leaves party planning and painting and I have to really be in the mood to paint. So, party planning to brighten any sad IS THE ANSWER!!! ding ding ding!! As of late, that is all I've been doing with the help of my engaged roommate and my wonderful mother.

On top of my love for a well-planned party, I also have discovered that I have a rather obsessive personality. Lately, Ive been thinking more and more about how far away my fiance' is and how difficult it will be to physically see him for at least 3 months. I still need to get my passport(which I should be getting very soon), but I also need to be able to save up money for a visit to and from while also saving for the wedding.  Did I mention that I'd need time off from work which means less money. It's all difficult. Thinking about all of that, I am even more aware of how I won't see him for a while. Therefore, I am a bit mopey(off and on) but to prevent the mope, I do something that brightens my mood.

As you notice above, these two topics relate :D

I'm using the lovely wedding to distract myself from missing my man. It feels like the perfect distraction because I can not only accomplish a lot, but it also includes him, and his family, and his opinion. You'd think it'd just make me miss him more but it actually does the opposite which is why it's so perfect. So, I'm basically wedding planning as I wait for Josh to return or I wait to join him. Whichever comes first.

As I mentioned, I am rather obsessive at times. Thankfully I'd like to think that I have really honed it and learned to focus this obsessive nature. Once my heart gets set on something, it's the main thing that I think about.  I do think that in general, I'd obsess a bit about my wedding because it's an exciting time for a girl. It almost feels like human nature. We hear so much about newly engaged girls getting so excited and so obsessed. Whelp, I now have the wedding bug. 

Now, when Josh first got his job, the talk of it being a 3 month gig was in the air. That may or may not still be true.  Hopefully it's longer, but no matter what, I probably won't get to see him til after that 3 month mark because I still need a good amount of time to plan a visit. Therefore, with the normal excited bride-to-be syndrome and my excitedly obsessive nature, this wedding could be all planned by that 3 month mark because I'm a nut. I got this. 

Thanks for listening.
-k/r

you say you want a resolution? well, new year, new plan

So last year i had some new years resolutions set for the first time, possibly ever.
Now to follow up on these and finally rejoin the blogging world.
My resolutions:
-read more
-paint & draw
-apply to shows
-eat better and exercise
-lose weight/get fit
-document every day's attire
-don't shop
-get rid of clothes if i can
-keep hair color

Now i don't know if i really succeeded all that well in following through with these, but i do think i accomplished something. At least, I feel like i accomplished something. Lets go through the list.

Read more.
I think i told myself to read a book a month. Haha i( with my fiance) read 1 whole book. On my own, i've read half of 2. I've read multiple books of the bible but even that has been pretty sporadic. Now, you may think i failed. I do too, sort of. The thing is, i failed in accomplishing my written goal BUT i did not fail in reading. Usually i would read no physical book all year unless it was a couple books of the bible. My bible reading is usually even minimal. So, in the long run, i grew. I'm actually excited to continue reading in through this year. Hopefully next year i can say i've read 2 or 3 :)

Paint & draw.
Man did i succeed! I have painted so much this year and have so much more to paint! I have a website and have my work up in a gallery! My next plan is to search for new gallery shows to apply to, make new business cards, update my website even more and hopefully even start selling work! Maybe look into doing an "in house" gallery show!

Exercise and eat better and lose weight.
 Well i've exercised a little, i've been eating a lot better but its not constant, and i've not lost much weight but i have lost like a few inches. I have gotten close to my goal weight but it fluctuates. This next year i will be a lot more stern about my exercise and eating habits because I HAVE A WEDDING TO GET HOT FOR!! So i will have a smaller goal weight, i will eat cleaner, and work out more regularly.

Wardrobe focus.
I have documented many many outfits throughout the year tho i know i didn't do every day. Still, i'm pretty proud! I have shopped but i've also regularly gotten rid of clothes. Now, soon i will look through everything and take out what i haven't worn and attempt to sell it!!

Hair.
4 months into the new year, i changed it completely, BUUUUT since then it has been about the same AND i haven't cut it!!


Soooooo, there's my 2014. 
Now for 2015! 
praying for an awesome year. new list coming soon!

-k/r

birthday week!!

Birthday week!

Its about that time of year again! The time to milk the anniversary of your birth for all you can and celebrate!

I feel like that makes me sound really juvenile and immature, taking advantage of others' giving, but thats not my intention. My intention is to confident and and happy about my life, and i always love to use my birthday to really strengthen that.

I am an only child with a birthday close to a national holiday so all my life ive had a pretty decent-sized birthday celebrations and ive been rather happy with my birthdays each year up until sometime in high school. I cant remember exactly what happened but for 3 years in a row things weren't going right. One year, all of my close friends and relatives that i was so excited to see couldnt make it to town like they usually do. Not a big deal, but for a 13ish year old girl, its heart breaking since you built up your excitement so much just for it to crumble. Believe me, it was tragic (i was unnecessarily emotional). Then another year, a family member died on my birthday so there was just saddness in the air and a lot of mourning. Then i think i friendship ended on or around another one that actually brought my confidence level down a few pegs. So, for a bit of time, birthdays really sucked.

After that, i made a new life choice for the time around my birthday. I claimed "birthday week" which to my mom, is birthday month(she spoils me sometimes). I decided, starting in college, that i would really focus on me for the entire week around my birthday. Not that i would ignore everyone else and be a selfish bitch for a week, but that i would just be a little bit more katie-focused. Id dress up, do my makeup, do my nails, plan outings with friends and maybe go shopping. I decided that with the seemingly frequent bullshit and sad times surrounding my birthday in the past, and my usual inability to take some me-time, i decided to devote my birthday week to bringing myself a bit of extra joy and love :)

Its wonderful and i truly feel that everyone should do this for themselves, on top of what others may also do for them. Really, your birthday is a big deal! Its the day that god decided you should start existing on this earth. You were important enough to be. And that's beautiful!

People may think im cheesy and silly for treating this like another big holiday, but come on, its me. The minute december starts, im decked out in red and green! Im a holiday buff. Really, if there was some type of holiday, religious or not, that deserved celebrating, id be all about it! Celebrating life is the best way to cope with life. Staying happy and confident and joyous is a really hard challenge for some people, but its a challenge we should all try to take on.

I couldn't be more excited for this year's festivities! Im not sure what im doing for me just yet, but the love of others is so wonderful!

-k/r