never- the things i want to tell you, but i'm not even good at telling myself.

haven't written in a while but i have a lot of thoughts and plans that i am so excited to write about. figured it start off with some fun thoughts.

ready, set, go.

i have some opinions, views, ideals. whatever you'd like to call them. they're a bunch of nevers. a bunch of random things i don't think should be done. they're silly. nothing too serious. it seemed like a good choice for my first blog since my emotional distress over the last year. once we feel any bit of "recovery" or some sort of closure, it only seems right to talk of something more surfacey. more fun.

i guess its like this:
you feel like you were in deep waters for a very long time(the time is circumstantial and based on your own personal view of hardship, of course). you finally pull yourself out or get pulled out. you've been saved or were actually able to save yourself or a mixture of the two. now, you're back on the shore. completely safe but only because you're not attempting to get back in the water, even the most shallow. eventually, when you're feeling prepared or comfortable, you put a toe in. this is my "toe in"

the silly, arbitrary acts and thoughts and well, nothing of depth or great importance. it could be important and meaningful, but not right now. right now it's just thought. soon there will be importance. soon there will be deeper thoughts and cares and beliefs. til then, here's some nevers...

-never apologize for being yourself unless yourself is an asshole.
-never be confused by your own fashion choices. if you like it, wear it (but stay classy).
-never feel uncomfortable around your closest friends. you should be able to dance naked holding a chicken and they should at least laugh. if they get you enough, they'll start dancing too.
-never overindulge. i may be wrong, but every time i have, in anything, it's gone poorly.
-never underestimate yourself. if you do, so will the world.
-never lesten to your heart and never listen to your head, but always listen to both.
-never think you're entitled to anything.
-never don't wear heels. i know that's a double negative, my apologies. but wear heels sometimes. i'm bad at it too but it just feels good. i personally feel more poised and put together and classy(depending on the heel) and come on, your ass looks great. unless you legit can't do it.
-never intensely follow fashion magazines when it says "looks to lose". if you follow shit like that so strongly, you have no style for yourself. but again, keep it classy.

that's all i got. there will be more tho. i know i will always have opinions.
-k

so much good!

About a year ago today i began to really feel lost. That quarter-life crisis had begun and there was so much more crisis-ing to come that i couldn't have been less prepared for. At this point, it had only been a summer since graduating from college and the plan i had since age 9 had ended. I crossed the finish line. All i knew that i wanted in life was to go to bg for art. Thats about as far as my life planning got other than marriage and babies. I never cared about a career. I never wanted to travel the world. I didnt really want to do anything. I wasnt even that rebellious until like 2 years ago and if there are levels for rebellion im like a trainee, and totally cool with it. really. I was living on my simple little cloud until it just disappeared when i was handed my empty diploma folder and told to smile for the camera. From that point, my plan was to look for a job and live with my friends. Check. Mini mission accomplished. And then i really realized how dreary and boring my world was and how scared i was to really embrace the bigger world. AND THEN i also realized i didnt give a shit. There was nothing that i wanted to do. I didnt really care about making a difference, being an artist, or pursuing anything. Didnt even want to help and love people as i always used to. I was sucked dry of my love for others and myself. Sounds rather emotional, and damn is that accurate. To add to the emotional distress over my fears and uncertainties, the only thing that i new i wanted for my life was something that i could not do alone. I wanted a legitimate healthy relationship that leads to marriage and children. Thats definitely still something i have on my "hope agenda" but thats another rant, entirely.
Anyhoo, instead i had a few minor romantic moments but nothing right. whether it was them, or me, or both, no dice. So i did what every lost single white female college graduate with an ART degree would do. I kinda just tried to ignore my sorrows and carry on with life until i finally had a meltdown or two. Kept doin what i was doin. Or "kept on truckin" as the young folks say. That didn't last long. instead, it formed a roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I was happy and blissfully blind to what was wrong and then id be a depressed about how lost i felt and then again and again and so on, and you trackin with me family?
So there you have it. the obligatory katie disclaimer. I know I've written about it before and i know I've probably said the same thing in every different way possible since i decided to give a shit about my struggles and try to do something BUT heres something new: i actually think there's change. Things are happening. I can feel it. I don't have any major life goal other than the same old hope as usual, but i feel purpose again. I feel more like myself. AND i feel like this is only the beginning. It feels so good. Yes, there will be some momentary setbacks, but that's to be expected.
God it's so nice.
So, want to hear my life possibilities and small goals that you're going to hear/ read whether you'd like to or not, considering you're reading this? K cool.
So...
-go to disney world with my friends possibly within the next year
-save up for a computer and a scanner
-learn more about photoshop and other editing tools. Figured i should probably finally get with the times especially since i may want to work with illustrating and graphics.
-look into illustration opportunities
-once i get a newer body of work put together, look for shows. Thats not really anything new but i know that i need to care about my work instead of just letting it chill in my closet and letting the ideas chill in my brain.
-possibly go to hair school (I'm still uncertain, but we shall just see).
-travel somewhere for the freedom and new experiences because i know i need to branch out! Ive never had the urge to travel, and yet all the wonderful movies about finding yourself and growing and getting through pain have to do with traveling so i'm thinking they may be on to something.
-feel even more like myself and be better than the katie i was yesterday. i know i don't need to change Anything about myself EXCEPT for finding comfort. I need to grow more confident with who i am and find strength. I want it, so i will make it happen and it'll be beautiful. I will feel beautiful.
And yeah, there are totally more but its 4 am so i can't think as well as i'd like.
So. There you have it. I feel like i have goals to reach and it feels good. I feel good. Things are good. Im a legally driving adult with a job and goals. Ive been a whirlwind of emotion for the last year and considering i've been a pretty balanced and level headed girl all of my life, it was do much tougher than it should have been.
There are a select group of people that i couldn't be more thankful for having in my life to go through this journey with. I Love them so much. They've dealt with shit and put me through shit and they've helped me to really see who is important and what's so important about me. Their existence in y life just adds to the joy!
Here's one more goal...
become emma stone. I know i am me and my own person and i shouldn't wish to be someone else, but i am pretty sure if you mix emma stone and every character she has played and sprinkle a little bit of juno mcguff on top, you have my spirit animal. They say and do what i wish i was ballsy and witty enough to say and do. Emma stone's confidence and balance of funny and beautiful is the most admirable thing and really, to be monumentally cheesy, she is what i feel like on the inside. Lol so there is that.

i usually add an image of some kind. i didn't last time i wrote. it felt weird. so here's a koala :)

hopefully soon

for a while i've felt at peace. content. almost joyous.
no need to vent to. no need to whine.
content and at rest with my own peace of mind.
knowing i have nothing and believing "all is well"
feeling like i have everything, despite this sometimes hell.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

unsure of what's to come, while assuming nothing will.
lost in my own ignorant bliss.
pretending like there's nothing more than this.
avoiding the hopes.
avoiding the dreams.
trying to ignore the ache of the wait.
expecting nothing of my fate.

i've been at peace, so i'd say. been at rest.
but, i've been settling at best.

***

i've felt like i have everything. nothing else matters but what i already possess. the love. the life. the people. that alone should bring me joy. that ALONE should make me feel like i have everything. i strongly believe that to be true. we SHOULD feel like we need nothing more than the beauty we have been given, when we are given beauty, that is. and i have. i have been dealt a simple pretty hand to lay. i have been blessed. i should not frown. i should not whine. i should be at peace and believe all to be well because all SEEMS well. i SHOULD be happy. usually, i am able to focus on this 100%. usually i am happy. live life through loving and find joy through that and nothing more. be simple. be happy. all shall be well. but we are tainted. i am tainted. i will forever crave more than what i have been dealt even if it is a great hand. i will want MORE. i am HUMAN. but i am a human with an uncertainty and an odd mix of intense emotion and rational thought that i am easily pleased one day, and gasping for air the next. it's a mess, really. a sometimes mess. a sometimes hell.

***
A leads to B

A)
the problem: a lack of hope. assuming that i do not fit with anyone. expecting nothing more.

the cause: fear. not knowing what i want to do with my life. so many relationships tainted by selfish needy "loved ones" forming a VERY guarded heart. my own pattern that i have yet to completely fall out of(the fix-it-katie). the generic reason for relationship doldrums.

the solution: open up, love and be loved, get out there, etc etc blah blah blah...

...be loved. love and be loved.
i say this as if it is easy.
i love. in certain ways, i love. i protect. i take care of. i listen. i council...
i love, but only in the ways i know how, and even those ways are a little fuzzy sometimes.
i allow myself to be loved. kind of. a little.

do i fully love? completely and whole heartedly? yes? i feel like if i answer with a question to my question, i may be wrong but at the same time, i am completely unsure. i've been trying to love everyone. to love my closest friends and be there forever. even as a child. despite a constant want to love, you can feel like a fool in the end. sometimes i feel like a fool. to fully love, is hard.

do i allow myself to be fully loved? i think so, yes. but the list of people that i allow in is VERY small, and some of those people aren't even always on the list. it depends on the day, it seems. that's not because of anything they've done. it's more because that guarded heart of mine. that wall is difficult to break.

B)
the problem: i dont think i know how to love very well right now. i also don't think i know what romantic love looks like.

the cause: see A

the solution: i don't fucking know, but i have a slight theory...
it' that same old story. work on me. better myself. "find myself"

i believe that we are constantly trying to find ourselves because we can't accept who we already are. you can't really "find yourself". what you are really doing is changing to fit a mental mold you have made for yourself. sometimes it just takes longer to really fit it. sometimes the mold changes. sometimes...life is hard. but either way, as cheesy as it sounds, i think that's what i need to do. better myself. figure out how to feel worth loving. that sounds terrible. sounds like i think i'm worthless and that i still have no real answer to my problem. sadly, in a way that's true. the worthless part, not so much. but the answer is, i don't know the answer. all i know is that i don't feel like i'm enough right now and don't think i know love. hopefully soon.

***

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
                                              by: Dean Martin
"You're nobody til somebody loves you
You're nobody til somebody cares
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old
The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love"

this song sparked an intense need to write tonight. i felt compelled to think about this problem i'm having. this song was so helpful. it seems shallow and destructive, but really, it just helped me see that i need to care more about loving myself and being someone that i would want to be loved by others. not in a "i want to fit in" sort of way but you get it. if not by now, what good is this rant to you, really.

***

it's all here and it's all waiting. waiting for me to be ready.
ready to live.
ready to love.
ready to be loved.
but i'm not.
i'm not ready for anything.
i don't know how.
hopefully soon.

Reflex

i wrote this at work. not revised in any way, but i figured, why not. sok tho...i'm over it.


 Reflex:

it's just a cycle. it's what i'm used to. an automatic reflex.
it feels robotic. i didn't even realize that the path that i've taken is the path i've ALWAYS taken.
the familiarity. it doesn't even register until it's too late and i'm stuck in my pattern.
my reflexive state.
my cycle of "comfort."

finding comfort in what we know but not what is good.
it's a terrible addiction so many have.
turning towards the familiar darkness instead of embracing the light.
the new uncertain light.

it's just a reflex.

-k

FATES

What's to be shall be.
they know.
came and gone.
Come and go.
they know the secrets.
It must occur.
its meant to be.
Its fate.
They know.
he knows.
what's to be shall be.

 i haven't added anything in a while. been really preoccupied with my gorgeous house and some new experiences. happy to be to busy with life to sit down and write down my thoughts, but bummed i also don't feel the need. instead of spilling my guts out, as of late i've just wanted to write in cryptic metaphors of what i hope is considered beauty. so i guess that's what i'll keep doing until i really need to let it out.

-k

movin on up!

moved across town! it feels great! it's new and calm and it feels mature and just....right. you know?! it feels right! i'm hoping that it will bring me some motivation and keep me excited for new things. new beginnings. new life. i feel rejuvenated. 

there's nothing else i really feel like talking about. life feels good right now and i'm hoping things can only get better from here.

here's some joy :)

-k

time may change me but i can't trace time...

what's to come:
-one of my best friends, former roommate, girl who's been through so much with and without me is finally GETTING MARRIED to the man of her dreams. she's finally ready and it's finally time.
-i'm moving from my apartment to a house and don't have any intention of moving til i am asked to marry someone as well(if it could work out like that).
-i'm getting another tattoo reflecting my growth and intense changes i've been making. realizing my personality overhaul is a terrifying and crazy and beautiful thing. need to express the joy through ink/art.
-the minute i get the time and the money, i'm taking my driving test and getting my fucking license. it's been too long and i'm finally willing.
-i plan to get a new phone once i can afford that as well.
-my hair needs a change again.

with all the new crazy changes happening, im feeling happily influenced to pursue finally making an art page on facebook and an etsy account. it's going to be great!i'm going to use my new surroundings and what will feel almost like a new life to let everything else bloom from it.

i'm going to be even more consistent with this damn thing.

tangent:
a friend from church is also getting married this weekend. she talked of her journal to her future husband that she had been writing for a while now(even before she met her fiance). her fiance read it and the experience sounded beautiful. to be able to show that man  what your past and future hopes and dreams are and to let that man know that he is fulfilling all of these written dreams by just being himself. imagine how amazing he must feel and how nervous. hopefully it's the good kinda nervous that makes you always on your toes but ready to be amazing daily. i feel like it'd be the type of nervous the president feels every morning. so much responsibility and so much strength/power. it'll scare ya shitless but you'll feel like you're walking on air. i hope my future husband feels like that when he hears and sees my "journal". my friend made me want to start my own version. it sounds rejuvenating. i'm DOIN IT!

im hopeful for what's next. scared, but hopeful!

i've lost people and i've gained people in my life. it'd be great if we could only gain, but for some unexplained reason, balance is important. thankfully, the people i have gained are helping to make all of these wonderfully big-feeling changes happen. thanks to them, i am growing into more of me.
-k