what i know.

there is SO MUCH happening lately. so much emotion. so many trials. so many challenges of the heart. so much wanting. so much pain. it's something i have never felt before, at least not at this scale. a depressive confused scared state that many people face on a regular basis. i, on the other hand, am new to this. i don't know what to do with this. who i am. what i'm doing. what i want. how to be. how to be happy.

there's a lot i don't know. some lack of knowledge i am willing to accept. others, i want answers NOW and am impatiently waiting for them.

here is what i do know:

1.  i am impatient. it is out of fear and a constant need to be productive. i lack this virtue. i wish it was something you could just purchase at a store somewhere. that'd simple and helpful. i'd like that.
2.  i believe in a god. i believe in the existence of  one creator and even the stories that are considered history that have come along side it. i do not like god right now. i do not worship god right now. things with me and god are difficult. i will always believe. that is all i know
3. i want to give up everything and move somewhere new. do something different. really see who i am on my own. i can do that in two years but i want to do it in two minutes and i don't know if i will stop feeling this way for another two years.
4. life is harder when you don't have a plan and 12 backup plans. graduation was the end cap to my plans and now i know nothing of what is next.
5. "love is one of those can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff"- marykate olsen from It Takes Two. i don't know if i've ever felt a romantic love such as this, but i believe she's right.
6. when it comes to my future, i want three things: to have a family, to be happy, and to make others happy. i'm pretty sure that's all i need.
7. i give more than i have. i've grown to care about my friends first and myself second and that's got to change. i don't think i can never fully put myself first, but i do want to try a little better, for own sanity and well being.
8. i have trouble relaxing. still working on that.

-k