time may change me but i can't trace time...

what's to come:
-one of my best friends, former roommate, girl who's been through so much with and without me is finally GETTING MARRIED to the man of her dreams. she's finally ready and it's finally time.
-i'm moving from my apartment to a house and don't have any intention of moving til i am asked to marry someone as well(if it could work out like that).
-i'm getting another tattoo reflecting my growth and intense changes i've been making. realizing my personality overhaul is a terrifying and crazy and beautiful thing. need to express the joy through ink/art.
-the minute i get the time and the money, i'm taking my driving test and getting my fucking license. it's been too long and i'm finally willing.
-i plan to get a new phone once i can afford that as well.
-my hair needs a change again.

with all the new crazy changes happening, im feeling happily influenced to pursue finally making an art page on facebook and an etsy account. it's going to be great!i'm going to use my new surroundings and what will feel almost like a new life to let everything else bloom from it.

i'm going to be even more consistent with this damn thing.

tangent:
a friend from church is also getting married this weekend. she talked of her journal to her future husband that she had been writing for a while now(even before she met her fiance). her fiance read it and the experience sounded beautiful. to be able to show that man  what your past and future hopes and dreams are and to let that man know that he is fulfilling all of these written dreams by just being himself. imagine how amazing he must feel and how nervous. hopefully it's the good kinda nervous that makes you always on your toes but ready to be amazing daily. i feel like it'd be the type of nervous the president feels every morning. so much responsibility and so much strength/power. it'll scare ya shitless but you'll feel like you're walking on air. i hope my future husband feels like that when he hears and sees my "journal". my friend made me want to start my own version. it sounds rejuvenating. i'm DOIN IT!

im hopeful for what's next. scared, but hopeful!

i've lost people and i've gained people in my life. it'd be great if we could only gain, but for some unexplained reason, balance is important. thankfully, the people i have gained are helping to make all of these wonderfully big-feeling changes happen. thanks to them, i am growing into more of me.
-k

xray.

it just feels right to post this :)


Look inside. 
Pass the layers of skin.
Pass the bones.
pass the veins.
Pass the muscle, the tissue, and then
view my heart.

Know that heart.
Every crack, every bruise, every rupture
And every stitch.
Every part that's been beaten and torn.
Every damaged artery.
Every mended and patched piece.
Study.
learn.
Know.

Peer inside.

know the reason for its pulsing beat.
the reason warm blood flows.
Find my soul.

thrive amongst a hive

hive:
    -a place swarming with activity.
    -a teeming crowd. a multitude.

i found a new tranquility. a new joy.
i realized i need to keep moving and keep being involved in the world to not only be happy, but also, so live. to have energy. to move. the more activity i am a part of, the more active and happy i feel.
alone time is good and all, but its not as good as the awesome energy of togetherness and activity.
in that energy. in that hive, i am calm. i am content. i am not anxious or fearful. i am happy.

i haven't been happy for a while. first i was slowly getting lower and lower and lower. then i hit what felt like the bottom. since that floor-hitting moment, i've been getting higher and higher again. high on life and happy again. regaining logic, perspective and optimism. feeling like someone that deserves love and that CAN love well. it feels great. i have a renewed hope. and it's all thanks to God, life and the "hive."

the hive. the energetic world of amazing people that i was once a part of, but was distant from for a while. that beautiful lively world. old friends and new friends. get-togethers. hookah. weddings. movie nights. dancing. parties. concerts. art shows. shopping. it's life. its great and it is what i need to focus on. the energy.

some of my favorite guys help me with the joy sometimes :)
https://www.facebook.com/EarthVersusTheHive?fref=ts

check'm out.

-k

norma jean

many women have admired marilyn. she's become an idol for her beauty and her shape and her style and her everything. she's beautiful and loved. hollywood has spilled as much of her story that they knew. they displayed her as raw as they could. she's so flawed and yet shes still so idolized. it took me a while to really see why. finally, about a year ago, i fell in love. i love with the idea of marilyn monroe.

i adore her! i want to be like her....sort of.
i don't love her for acting ability or her singing ability, or her smart choices, though i do love a few movies, especially The Misfits. i admire her for her vulnerability. she was a perfectly imperfect mess and she didnt care. i wish she was smarter. i wish she was treated better. i wish she loved herself and was more loved. but no matter what, she was always vulnerable. she bared all. the world knew her secrets, her real hair color, and every scar, dimple or freckle. she didnt give a shit about feminism or anti-feminism. she just didnt give a shit. and i dont think it was in a lazy way, though it may have been scared. i think it was because she was smarter than the world thought. she was smarter. you can be as smart as einstein and still be a moron at times. she has had her share of moronic moments, but i still think she was a genius.
playing an idiot, whether or not she was really playing at all.
living life and loving it as best as she could, despite her own demons.
knowing she is beautiful in her shape and being willing to strip down to the buck and not give a shit.
being who she wanted to be.
hell, even for using her look to her advantage. i do admire that, at least a bit. im for feminism but im also willing to notice that feminine whiles are a gift from God that we MUST use right. whether or not she always used it right, i plead the fifth.

either way, i know her beauty is something to be admired. yes, so many have done it already. now it's my turn.

i have som much that i want to paint about and draw about. why not focus on being me and woman and my admiration for someone who focused on the same thing. here we go.
-k

toxicity

TOXICITY 1
it drained.
it poisoned.
it destroyed.

such little time with so much weight.
a quarter-year deja vu
reminded of the past,
realizing that the pain can be regained.
it can resurface, but at light-speed.
four years of cyclical strife.
manipulation.
heart-ache.
brokenness.
all in one instant.
it seemed like a blink.
a piercing blink.

the deja vu in you.

that life was toxic,
and so was ours.

a drug.
addicting and destructive.
giving an intense high.
building you up and up and up;
tearing you down.

time to detox.

let go of the poison.

TOXICITY 2
leaving one damaged.
a substance that can either affect an entire organism or just a portion.
effects are dose-dependent.
the more one encounters the substance, the more one is hurt by it.
it is species-specific.

isn't that just so damn interesting....
-k

english breakfast tea

it's 8:30 am.
i am awake by choice.
this is FANTASTIC!

tomorrow i hope to do the same and wake up and even go running. it'd be so nice to feel like a real person and use the mornings wisely instead of sleeping through them like a dope. but here's what's up: sadly, i feel like shit. i feel bloated and achey. i believe it's because i started taking all of my vitamins again and i'm trying to get healthy. lol my body needs time to adjust.

here are my plans: when i'm finally adjusted to mornings and full days and vitamins and food i want to use mornings to run, read, connect with friends, paint, do laundry, sew, etc..
i need to be productive and balance my time. this is a BIG DEAL right now. i need to reconnect with people without losing myself. balance is key. before, i'd focus on learning who i was and think about my personal growth OR i focused on my friendships and focus on other people's growth. i realized not too long ago that there is just not enough time in the day for me to care like i should. but then i realized something else, there's probably enough time but i haven't actually used all of my time correctly. that may sound silly, but it's terribly important to me.

mornings are not for sleeping. they are accomplishment and growth and renewing one's self.

 

also...

wonderful thought: my roommates and i move into our new house in a bit more than a month. this new change will be so well needed. we will all have this feeling of being renewed and life will be awesome. :)

-k

 

adapting moths

ADAPTABLE

it's clear.
the unclear.
the new.
the world.
ever-uncertain and yet we must live it ever day.
day by day and note by note.
no clarity. no certainty.
just change.
the change.
accept the change.
accept the consequences.
accept the reality.
it is clear that nothing is clear.
nothing is certain.
nothing stays.

change.
we change.
we blend.
we learn.
we move.
we move on.
we grow.

THAT is clear.

that we must.
all of it.
change. blend. learn. move. grow.
fight.
fight the change.
only fight it with logic and heart.
think and consider.
use the change to your advantage.
make it yours.
accept it and approach it strong.
hard and fast.
tough and delicate.
kind and smart.
approach it.
accept it.
and adapt.

make life right.
use what's there.
embrace the change and grow.
grow with it til the days are done.
til there is silence.

so i keep looking into moths. not sure why. i feel a weird connection, but nothing easily explained. i used to hate moths. i found them creepy and little nerve-racking to find flitting around in my home. i think that changed when i was walking with a friend one night. i don't even remember what friend but i know it was a male and it was by rallys. doesn't matter. anyway, there was a moth. a HUGE light yellowing moth. it was following me. no joke. it'd flutter its almost too heavy to lift wings a bit, plop down right behind me or next to me and then if i moved forward it continued on the same path. this happened for only a bit as it liked being close to the street lights instead of my dark alley towards home. but it was weird. something in me changed that night. i felt at ease. at peace and lacking fear. i didn't just feel less fearful of moths. i just felt less fearful in general. it felt beautiful and i still don't why that even matters.
no, all my fears didn't just magically go a away forever, but for that moment, it felt like that. peace. perfection.
because i was reminded of that not too long ago, i looked up the symbolic meanings for moths. although, like any symbol, it didn't fit me to a T, but it sure as hell became something i felt even more connected to. it felt right.

random silly precious things about moths:
-a symbol for vulnerability, determination, concealment, attraction, subtlety, intuition and faith.
-navigates towards light because of the idea of the moon(relates to night owl people, like me)
-"Even at the risk of loosing its life, the moth is ever-vigilant in following its path of light. This may also serve as a moral to us to keep our own vigilance, but not fall victim of blind faith."
-addresses the idea of adjusting one's course as necessary to get to an end result.
-addresses the idea of wanting to pull someone out of the darkness(possibly fixer)
-A master of disguise, the moth can blend in to the point of invisibility. This is a metaphor for us to use our environment to our advantage, blend in when necessary, adjust and adapt when the situation requires it."

 here's my source.
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-moth.html

that was fun :)
-k